DP suffering from depression - what can I do?

[FruitString]

Sorry for the long post, but the time has finally come to get something off my chest. I have never discussed this with anyone else before, so here goes...

My DP has been suffering from depression from years. I reckon he had it before we met, but since our DS was born 7 years ago it has really got hold of him. It took a long time for him to face up to it, but he finally went to the GP about 2 years ago and was put on anti-depressants (Fluoxetine). At first they made a difference, but then it seems as though he just got used to them and they stopped working. Again he took a lot of persuading to go back to the GP but finally he did, and the GP upped the dose. Again, it did make a little bit of difference for a while but now he seems to be back to square one again.

I am finding it really, really hard being the partner of someone with depression. I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone else who has experience of this.

My DP's mood-swings are pretty extreme and I am quite certain that they are now really affecting our DS too. I don't think he's bi-polar (not sure if that's the correct term these days?), as when he's "up" he isn't particular manic, just a bit more cheerful than usual. But when he's down, well it's just awful. He shouts and swears, is rude, angry, irrational, and just exudes this horrible horrible vibe which really changes the atmosphere of the house. When he's like this I want to run away. (Actually I did run away once, when our DS was about 6 months old - DS and I stayed the night in a hotel a few miles away, but came back again next day. This was before I understood it was depression. I just wanted to teach him a lesson! It didn't work).

His bad moods usually end with him falling deeply asleep, usually on the sofa but sometimes he stomps upstairs and crashes out on the bed. He'll sleep for a good couple of hours (this is during the daytime) and is usually seems a bit better when he wakes up - though the waking up process itself takes a long time.

The trouble is he will NOT allow any discussion about it. Unless he is feeling particularly cheerful, and then he jokingly refers to his "loony pills" and how there's nothing wrong with him at all, it's just me keeping him "under sedation"...

When he's OK then it's like the sun comes out and I almost forget what it's like when he's down. But within hours of everything being fine, everything can turn bad again. The change is unbelievable actually - real Jekyll and Hyde stuff. And he doesn't seem to realise how bad he has been (or at least he doesn't ever admit it - if ever I try and comment on a bad episode he says that I'm the one "who's mad").

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone else who is in a similar situation. How do you cope? How do I get him to seek more help? He refuses any kind of therapy other than the anti-depressants, and as I said he will NOT talk about it so even if I try to offer some support or understanding we get nowhere.

Just a few points:
I am unsure whether I still love him (it's taken me a few years to get round to being able to say that). I guess if I loved him I would have more patience / compassion..? But I think I'm completely out of those now..
We don't have sex any more. Ever. (Partly because I'm afraid I just don't fancy him any more either physically or emotionally, and partly because he himself is usually too tired, so neither of us ever initiate anything).
He isn't violent - at least not with DS and me, just with inanimate objects.
I had PND and I do have some understanding of what it's like to be depressed but sometimes I wonder whether this is something else other than depression.

Yes, DS did used to copy it. I made it clear that it wasn't acceptable - and also suggested to DP that DS was copying him. DP did actually take this on board - he admitted that this was probably the case and things have improved a little bit since then - he rarely uses the F word in front of DS now. But still loses his temper way way too easily (in my opinion) and I'm therefore having to spend a little extra effort in trying to teach DS to keep HIS temper under control.

DH was almost exactly like OP's. Worst in 2009. I built up my own life with after-work activities and let him get on with it. Now his GP is trying to get DH to cut down on alcohol and he seems to be trying to do this. His awful behaviour put me on anti-deps too. Slowly seems to be improving but it takes for ever and we may not have forever to devote to this selfish toxic behaviour.
Check out every possible professional means of support and good luck, OP.

Thanks Varya. What's so difficult is that when he's down it's hard to imagine him being up, but also vice versa. For example he's just come in from a busy day, happy as can be, cheerful and friendly, has fixed the broken dishwasher without a tantrum, and is now upstairs playing rough and tumble with DS, all sweetness and light. I'm now going to keep a really close watch to see if I can spot the triggers, and start my diary!

Fruit my H sounds a bit similar to yours WRT the shouting, swearing and throwing things. He was prescribed Fluoxetine a few years ago, as he had felt ill for a long time and the GPs could not, and still can't, find anything to pin it on (except for a vitamin D deficiency which is now sorted out) and I think he had some success with the pills but stopped taking them because he thought it would affect his work personality (long story!). Anyway-- just wanted to say, he is rather unbearable to live with now (I've posted about our situation at length in other threads) and for years the kids and I have been walking on eggshells around him, as he can be nice sometimes and it's great when he is, but when he isn't, it is awful.

I tried speaking to our GP about it as I was so convinced that it was depression or of some physical cause, but after a really good chat with the GP he referred me to a local branch of a Women's Aid-type organisation-- ie, GP thought that whatever the cause it was not acceptable that he was taking it out on me and the kids. I am now considering the possibility that it is simply and only that he is an emotionally abusive man, and the situation as it stands works in his favour, as he gets everyone running around in circles for him trying to keep things nice. I haven't got up the courage to confront him with this (or simply to leave him) for various reasons.

It isn't fair to you to have to monitor his moods. Get him to see the GP, and see if you can give the GP your side of the story as well, separately if need be. At least it will give you some clarity. Good luck, I'll be interested to hear how it goes!

There are two kinds of bipolar - bipolar 2 has swings where the up phase is not all that manic. Could that be your dp? If so, he needs quite different medication - antidepressants alone are worse than useless for bipolar 2 (I speak from experience). It would be best if he could be referred to a specialist who can distinguish between the different conditions. I might also be more of a personality disorder - impossible to tell from here.

But he has a duty to deal with this for his family's sake. There is a limit to what you should pout up with. I speak as one in your dh's position.

Thanks Thatsnotmynamereally - I will have a look at your previous posts.

Acinonyx, your message is well timed. DP is now out for the evening and I have done a little surf on the net, researching hyomania and Bipolar I and II. I had discounted bi-polar because DP does not have the real mania, ie. delusions, outrageous behaviour, etc. BUT he certainly does have extremely intensively creative phases where he will stay up all night working on some exciting new project and his brain's clearly racing with ideas (come to think of it I sometimes do this too... ). I didn't realise there were different forms of bi-polar and that not all of them involve the classic 'mania'.

While very wary of "self-diagnosing" on the internet, I have just tried filling in a bipolar self-test questionnaire, trying to imagine what his answers would be, being as honest as I can. "His" score does definitely suggest possible bipolar I or II. It would explain why the Fluoxetine doesn't seem to help. I think I may have a gentle chat with him and see if I can get him to fill it out himself. I'll have to pick the right moment. Then proceed from there. I think we really do both need to see the doc, either separately or together. Thanks everyone for all the responses - can't believe how much better I feel already, and really supported by you all.

Is he soft bipolar? Less obvious than normal bipolar, but features mood swings.

However, this falling asleep thing. Very strange it only happens at weekends when he is in charge of dc and very suspicious too. He is falling asleep then because he can, not because he can't help it. If he can stay awake at work during the day then he can stay awake at weekends too. Sounds like a load of twaddle to me

Depression is not an excuse to treat your partner with a lack of respect. I come at this from the other side as a sufferer of bi-polar disorder. I am type 2 - this means I have swings up and down but do not have the delusions of grandure that go with what people think of as bi-polar. Someone up thread said you had to 'own' your depression and that is so right! As a depressive I have to take responsibility for my illness and do what it takes to fix it and ensure it doesn't negatively impact on those that I love. This means not being an arse to live with or treating people like crap (or at least acknowledging when I have and apologising for it!).

My psychiatrist always quotes the three T's of treatment for mental illness: tablets, time and talking. No one can get better without one of those elements. The talking does not necessarily need to be therapy (in some cases good friends will do the job) but there is no way a depressive can get fully better and manage their illness without all three. He sounds like he is only employing one of the T's so is not going to get better anytime soon. As an aside it really bugs me that GP's hand out anti-depressants on their own without also prescribing therapy. It has taken me about 6 years to convince a friend of mine who has been on anti-d's that long to insist the GP refers her for therapy. Pills are great and really useful but if you are to manage an illness you need the equipment. What therapy gives is both a method to identify what is an issue (even in some cases that there isn't one) AND how to deal with the symptoms.

Treating you like this is not acceptable. Blaming it on a MH problem is unacceptable. Supporting someone with a MH problem is the right thing to do - but they have to meet you half way and do something proper to sort it out! Ask yourself (and him) if he was a diabetic would he manage his diet and his insulin injections responsibly? IF the answer is yes, why is he not treating this illness in the same way?

Pilgit, that is a brilliant post, you are exactly right - To be honest i think that self diagnosis is very dangerous, it is hard enough for specialists in the field to diagnose a MH disorder but Dr google can do it in minutes - i think its quite a danger actually.

Yes, I know it's a zombie thread, because I started it, 3 years ago! Had to add a digit to my username as I had to re-register.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting again after all this time is to report back on how things have been, and how things developed, in the hope that it's of interest to anyone else in the same boat.

So.... despite my begging, pleading and issuing of ultimatums, things did not improve and DP refused to seek help. The tantrums got worse. One particularly bad afternoon, DP gave me a shove (not a hit but a shove). Because I was trying to defend our DS (then 8 yrs) against one of his verbal attacks. Our DS was horrified and we both ran out into the field outside our house. We sat there together and had a cry. This was the first time I had ever shown DS how upset I was getting about DP. I didn't mean to, and didn't want to, I just couldn't help it. DS asked me if we could move house - immediately.

We didn't move house, but I felt things had moved up a step. And DS started to show signs of anxiety - real anxiety at home and at school, unable to sleep because he wanted to die, unable to bear any change in routine, unable to face any new people/experiences/activities. He's always had some sensory issues and these doubled - unable to bear a variety of noises, tastes, smells and other sensory stuff. It got to a stage where I had to seek help for him via our local CAMHS and paediatrician. DP was extremely unhappy and quite angry about my decision to do this so I had to do it alone, and secretly. At first I was in denial that it was the situation at home that was affecting DS. I couldn't bear to think that my DP was having this affect on our own DS. But the professionals saw it differently. They thought he may have ASD, but also suggested that if DP couldn't change, then DS and I should consider living separately from him. Facing this option seriously for the first time, I found it scary. Unthinkable. I had started off so in love with DP. How could it have got to this? But after several more big tantrums from DP (including one where he threw a coffee table on the floor and DS and I cowered upstairs in DS's bedroom and DS told me "I want Daddy to live in another house please, Mummy, I don't want him to live with us any more"), I knew that I had to make a big change and that the change was down to me. It took another 6 months (and a disastrous trip to Relate), but one evening at the end of August last year I told him that I thought we should live separately, at least for a while. The next morning he was gone.

He went to live in a caravan and still lives there. It's been a weird, weird time. But DS and I are so much happier. DS is still under assessment for ASD (it's a long process), but his school report for this academic year has shown that his confidence has come on in leaps and bounds. And I feel that I have been starting to rediscover myself. Doing stuff just for me, getting back to who I really am. DS and I have a lot more fun because the house is no longer filled with what I call "the poisonous gas". I still have moments of terrible sadness but I just remind myself that things couldn't have gone on as they were. I also sometimes wake up in the night and think "My God what have I done? This is all surely just a bad dream" and I have feelings of terrible terrible guilt. But I know that things are better. I feel so so sorry for DP and keep on hoping that he can eventually sort himself out but also accept that maybe he never will.

Most of the time we are on good terms and DP says he is happier because he is no longer "being constantly nagged". (Though he also gets very depressed and a few months ago he was suicidal. I think he's over that awful phase now, but a mutual friend of ours, whom DP will talk to even when he's not talking to me, kind of watches over him, from a distance).

DS visits him one night a week and this seems to be just enough for the two of them not to start winding each other up. DP still doesn't know that DS is under assessment for ASD and if DS does get a positive diagnosis then I'm dreading telling DP about it. But will cross that bridge (or possibly not) when I come to it.

So there we are. My story - so far. Not sure what the future holds but I'd like to think it's bright. Sorry for long thread - just wanted really to give other people who are in the same position the message that things can be better, but your depressed DP can't do it alone. If they can't make a big change, and if you can't make changes together, then you will have to go it alone - scary as it may seem. It's a tough, horrible, long difficult road. But be brave!

Thanks for the update on this, it really sounds like there wasn't anything more you could do. At some point he has to acknowledge that he needs help before anyone else can help him. Glad it is working out well for you and your son.

Am very glad you and your DC are no longer with your abusive ex. Best wishes for the future!

Do you actually want the marriage to continue? Does the future with him fill you with any sort of optimism.

My sister was married to a man with severe depression. He also behaved really badly, worse than what you posted about your DH. But at the end of the day, she realised that with him, it was never going to be her turn for support - she was always going to be the carer of him and the kids. He was very extreme in this respect.

Stay if it is right, but if it isn't don't let the depression stop you from leaving. You're allowed to want to get things you need from a relationship

Sorry, are you still in a relationship with him?

He sounds unstable and his living situation surely can't continue like that long term? Does he have ongoingbhelp with his MH?

It is a very bad sign that you had to hide that you were seeking help for your DS and remain worried about telling him about it if he is diagnosed with autism .

Has your DS had to hide things from his father too?

Are you financially separated?

Crazyhead and Duckdaemon, no we are no longer in a relationship (this is what my second post (posted yesterday) was all about!). He has no help with his mental health and refuses to seek any. Although he is on anti-depressants (has been for 8 years - same dosage all along) and although 3 months ago he was considering suicide, he still stays "There is nothing wrong with me. My only problem is you".
When I tried to tell him, over a year ago, that I thought our DS may be having some problems (ie may be on the autism spectrum though I didn't use those words) he said "There is nothing wrong with DS - he just needs discipline".
We are financially separated to - he cannot manage money. When he is very overdrawn (which is frequently) he tries to make himself feel better by spending more money. I got tired of mortgage payments and bill payments bouncing back so have isolated my finances from his.