Rebuilding trust.

[Falling2Pieces]

I need some advice about rebuilding trust and overcoming obsession.
My partner cheated on me, a one off. Not an ongoing affair.
I forgive them but I cannot forget, nor can I stop obsessing about all the details of contact between my partner and the other person, I don't really wish to know all the gory details about the sex but I really, really, REALLY need to know what went on in the build up to it happening. My partner has told me everything and shown me everything they can email/facebook/text-wise etc yet I still cannot rest easy. I haven't slept properly for a month, I can't eat properly and I'm finding things harder and harder going. My mind just will not shut down and I find myself waking at 3.30am every morning in a panicked state.

Like I say, my partner has shown me and told me everything they can yet I cannot rest easy, does anyone else have any advice or tips on how to keep calm, carry on and rebuild self esteem and trust?
I just always feel there's something more to find yet in reality I know there isn't.

I am taking some meds for my anxiety/depression and I'm seeking counselling with Relate for us both and also considering some personal therapy but it all comes at the (considerable) expense of time and money so I can't do it all at once.

Please, please, please don't just say "L.T.B!" I don't want to, this is not a snap decision and believe me, I have thought about it long and hard. I really don't need an anonymous partner-flaming thread.

I can forgive in time but at the moment I can't find my peace.

Any proper advice gratefully received. Thanks in advance.

I think its a combination of the following:

• Is your H is doing everything, including looking at himself to find out what character traits and issues made him justify the decision to cheat and making an effort to change/resolve these e.g selfish and entitled behaviour?

• when was it? if you found out recently - it takes time for you to recover - many on here say it can take 2 years.

• you need to focus on yourself, making sure you get enough "me" time and that you are able to work on rebuilding your life - friends, family, work, training, hobbies etc so that your self esteem improves.

Oh and get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Thanks for your reply :)
My partner is trying to work out what happened and is absolutely devastated about wrecking both of our lives. It's not just "sorry I got caught" it's really sorry.

I found out just over a month ago and so I guess the road has a way to run yet.

I live a long way from my family and friends at the moment but they're there for me if I need them. I should talk more.

I actually have the book you're suggesting, I was recommended it by another mumsnetter a couple of weeks ago, it's an interesting read but I find a bit of what she says quite preachy, it all makes sense (so far as I've read) maybe it just a bit American for my British tastes. I will persevere with it.

Thanks again :)

LTB. I know it's not what you want to hear but look at your life. I mean really, honestly, brutally look at what your life has been reduced to. Anxiety, depression, terror, suspicion, obsession... forking out money on therapies and counselling... all caused by one thing ie. living with an unfaithful partner. Surely, you deserve better than that and surely the answer to your problems is staring you in the face?

When the house is on fire, staying put with a few cold flannels and buckets of water just means you burn slow...

Doesn't matter how sorry he is. Don't care that he's trying to work out what happened. This is about you now.. not him. If you can't LTB, send him away for a while so that you can really assess what you want and how you feel.

You say your partner has shown you everything he/she can, but your imagination is working overtime. Is there anything more they can do? If so, what is it?
Or is it now up to you (if you want to keep the relationship going) to get your head clear (or as clear as it can be)? I would suggest giving you some time away from your partner to clear your head. FWIW I don't think that you ever can really clear the imagination, but time away from him/her will at least help you realise how much (or not) you want the relationship to work.

From my perspective I'm not going to shout LTB - a short time out from each other though may be helpful and I wish I had done that.Asked him to give me a couple of weeks to myself to try and think straight ,but it was complicated by family issues at the time and the fact we ran a business together.
But I TOTALLY understand how your mind goes round and round in an endless loop of questions and imagined scenarios.My DHs affair hadn't become physical when I found out by a call from OWs partner,but was most certainly heading that way and I know what you mean by wanting to understand the build up.Its the months of secrecy, flirting and innuendo that really hurt me more than if they had done the deed itself.It's the fact she knew all about me and my family,and I knew nothing about her.
On a positive note my DH was truly remorseful,cut all contact and we went to Relate.Sometimes I felt worse before I felt better,and many times we had terrible days where I felt I just couldn't go on and he felt like a complete stranger to me, and my heart was like a block of ice.I only really turned a corner when I went for individual counselling,a safe place to vent my anger and feelings ,and she taught me some exercises for coping with anxiety and blocking intrusive thoughts.Because even thought hey had not had sex they had exchanged sexually graphic texts,and after discovery even though DH and I were having sex, lots of it actually! I would get very distressed at times thinking about the intimacy of what they discussed and it messed with my mind for months.
There were a lot of other things going on at the time family wise also and looking back it was a horrendous time.But we came through it.Two and a bit years on was it worth the effort? Yes it was in my case.But I appreciate that's not the so for everyone.My DH behaved selfishly and stupidly for several months because he could,the opportunity ie. OW presented itself and he was vulnerable, bored and unchallenged at work and having lots of what ifs about a failed business and past redundancies.
It sounds like I am excusing him,but we both had things we needed to work on individually and together. Life's not always as black and white as LTB is it?
In time I managed not only to forgive, but I feel true peace of mind and actually very proud at how strong we both were at the toughest of times.All the best.

It takes years not just months.

It requires complete honestly from both of you. Lots of good quality communication and recognition that your relationship has changed forever. You cannot rebuild what you had, you need to start again from scratch.

It is possible for some people to do this although the majority find its never going to happen for them.

The people who I know who have been successful have started with a mutual new hobby or interest as well as time for themselves, the person who cheated needs to recommit completely to the family.

Good luck whatever happens.

Thank you all for your advice. I'm under no illusions that this will be an easy path to tread but it's one I really want to take.
I think the point about a mutual interest or hobby is a very good one, we really need to re-engage and start having fun as a couple again.
Now, all we need is some free time. Easier said than done but certainly worth the effort.

Thank you all again. :)