Could I please have some hand holding to get me through fear .....

[Wereonourway]

Of ex's reaction to latest solicitor letter he will receive tomorrow?

I feel sick and anxious and I'm genuinely tired of the whole situation.

Brief background is that ex is a bully and emotional abuser. I left him last August.
He has not been to a solicitor, this will be the third letter he has received from mine.

He has overnight contact on the evenings he chose and sees ds every Sunday all day.

He texts me weekly to swap his days or times to suit him(work, illness, social life etc) and I refuse. Cue lots of verbals about me being nasty and controlling and vindictive. I refuse because ds is only 2, I believe he needs a routine and stability and actually so do I.

If I swapped once he would expect it to be a weekly occurrence. I have tried explaining this to him calmly and rationally but as he is entirely self centred he just hasn't accepted this.

So I went back to my solicitor who posted a letter to him on Friday, basically stating that ex picked his contact days and that I would not swap for the reasons given above so please refrain from requesting it.

She also included a paragraph about him calling me a benefit scrounger when I asked for maintenace(this has been an ongoing issue, for the record I only claim cb and child tax credits to pay nursery fees).

I have tried explaining this directly, he refuses to see my point, I hate having to involve my solicitor but feel he needs to know I won't be bullied.

Why an I so scared of his reaction?? I wish I could sit down with him and tell him how I feel. That if he sticks to his requested days and times and leaves me alone then all will be peaceful for our beautiful boy.

I wish I could reason with him. I don't hate him, I bear him no malice whatsoever. I don't have goes at him despite probably having reason to and just want a peaceful life for myself but especially for ds.

I'm fairly sure the letter will make him kick off, verbally not physically and make handovers difficult.

Letter from my sol was last resort and contents did need stating but I'm bricking it, why can't he just accept the situation and make the best of it??
He sent me a text earlier asking if ds had gotten me a Mother's Day card(he is 2!) and said he "would have gotten me one if I treated him better".

All I actually do is say no to his constant demands to swap days. I feel scared and anxious and helpless, like I'm on a roller coaster I can't get off

I,m so sorry you are feeling scared. I'm here to hand hold until some more wiser/experienced mnetters get here

I hope you ignored his mothers day text and did not engage with him

OR

texted yes actually he did get me one -it was very sweet.

Hand holding here, you have done the right thing involving your solicitor if he wont listen to reason.

I can hold your hand

And advise you to carry on doing what you are doing which is to detach detach detach and do everything through your solicitor and/or in writing

Ignore both slurs on your character and niceness

he is attempting to wrong foot you

don't let him

Thank you all. He was barely civil a few minutes ago at handover so I know what to expect after tomorrow.

I did reply to Mother's Day text saying "yes, he made a fab card at nursery and dm helped him paint a wooden heart for me"

I am so much better at detaching, if he gets arsey I ignore ignore ignore.

I wonder of this is the letter that will make him go to a solicitor and enure the roller coaster continues rather than just accept his time with ds and at least let us try to have a civil relationship.

His family got behind him following previous letter so that may flare up again.

I honestly just want peace, and for ds to be happy

I believe you

and if you hold form and detach, you will get there

eventually

firm

It sounds like detaching works for you, although I appreciate it doesn't stop the feelings you describe in anticipation of a meeting or text/email.
I found treating my exh like a challenging business partner very helpful. Business needed to be done in as non emotional manner as possible but for DC it had to be done. Your response to the text sounds like a good example of emphasising the positive.
Still handholding.

I was about to post about how to stop the feelings of anxiety.

I don't let him know he gets to me anymore, I stick to my guns, offer a reasonable explanation and then disengage but it doesn't stop te anxiety and stress I feel inwardly.

I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for me and for ds, I know he is a bully and he is narcissistic to a t.

I suppose what causes the anxiety is knowing he will never ever accept things as he isn't getting his own way, despite me agreeing to his choice of days and times, he isn't in control and doesn't like to be told no.
Although I see this clearly, it means the chances if ever having peace is slim to none.

I pray every day for some sort of resolution and the thought of having years ahead of me of this animosity makes me feel sick

Have you considered mediation? It would be chance to explain things to him in a calm, neutral environment. Your solicitor will be able to recommend a service to you. Good luck x

Hetty- my solicitor has mentioned mediation, as did ex immediately after receiving last letter but he won't get legal aid/help so I think he is reluctant.

I was initially warned off mediation by several mumsnetters, due to ex's bullying ways. I initially thought about offering mediation again in this letter but I'm not actually looking to change or chase up anything, I have no issues with contact as stand, only ex's constant demands to change it.

I may see what he says regarding the letter tomorrow, and offer mediation then. More so to clarify my stance and why I think remotely time is so vital. I'm fairly sure a mediator/anyone neutral would not disagree

I must also point out that ex does very little in way of patenting anyway. He has NEVER bathed ds, and rarely brushes his teeth for example.

I'm torn between him going to a solicitor and then getting it all out in the open or jut wishing he would let bygones be bygones and give us all some peace.

I suspect that if you hold firm, don't offer mediation, and refuse to be manipulated he will eventually lose interest

if he is a true narc, what he thrives on is the attention, and the feeling of power he has over you

he will not think twice about using your dc as supply to keep you on the hook

the good thing, and the reason time is on your side, is that he will find someone else to give him his supply, and you will fade away for him

how long that takes, of course, is the age-old question

how long is a piece of string

sorry not to be more reassuring, but I don't think you are here for empty platitudes but more for understanding

and lots of us do understand

Do you have to allow access? Sounds like your son is being neglected when in your ExP's care.

Remember that if he grows up seeing his father as acceptab"e he could end up like him.

I'd state that the days he sees them (unless you can stop them) are as chosen, and if he can't make that day, it's ok, it'll keep for the next time.

Don't ever allow that arse to see you riled, don't give him any reaction, except thru solicitors if absolutely vital.

Thank you af.
I often ponder what drives him and my dm is certain that his aim in life is to hurt me or cause me anxiety. I really don't believe this tbh.
I think his aim in life is to get exactly what he wants, when he wants it.
I'm just the wall that is standing in his way so he will abuse and bully me until I back down.
It's definitely his selfishness that drives him, he doesn't empathise at all, he will never consider the feelings of others or even consider that the needs of others, including those of ds, may come before his own.
He genuinely believes I treat him terribly, it's scary how someone's mind can rotate thoughts and actions so horribly.
If I wAsnt in the middle of it is find it fascinating

it is fascinating, in a fucked-up kinda way

the thing is, you have to not analyse, not try to understand

I think you know that though

you say you don't agree with your mum, but I think she is a wise woman

she may not have it exactly (I mean, who does, with these emotional chameleons??)

but she believes in you

too many partners of narcs are working against all the people in their life...because narcs are very, very convincing

he convinced you once (or more like, repeatedly) ...yes ?

cut your mum some slack and listen,,,she knows him

My exH was exactly like this. After I left him I lost count how many empty threats I received by way attempted intimidation. He hated that I was in control of the situation and was constantly trying to undermine my confidence. It worked in the early days (ie I was in a constant state of anxiety) but I always stood my ground and over time his threats became less and less scary to me. It's been 7 years now and I still bristle when his name comes up on my phone but I have never let him see how much he got to me.
Carry on doing what you are doing. Don't let him see that he's getting to you, that's what he wants. It does get better.

With regard to my dm, I think she sees his intention as hurting me.
I see it as him wanting control and lashing out and hurting me is a welcome byproduct.

He needs help, he has been told this by others. Whilst I recognise the narcissism will most likely always be there, his anger and hatred for others may be helped.

That's not my issue, as long as he keeps ds safe and happy(which I strongly believe he does) then it's not my place to meddle or attempt to help him in any way.

I definitely have issues as to why I stayed for so long, and I need to get myself back to who I used to be. I'm getting there, I really am but I have a long way to go.

Ds is amazing, he truly is. I was told this week that he was a credit to me, by someone non biased and that lifted me so much.

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, I will remain strong and may update should anything come of "the letter"