Very unhappy and don't know what to do next....

[Rosey12]

Ok, a long story. 13 years ago was married to a very selfish and abusive man (mentally and at times physically). I was very young and stupid, my Father warned me off him but I always did the opposite of what people wanted me to do. We ended up having a daughter together and his family really took over (his mother was pretty unpleasant to me to). I had to go back to work, (as he was out of work) very soon after having my daughter. Things at home just seemed to get worse and worse and my life was hell. After the man lost our home (through spending it all on cars and his latest hobbies). We moved away from where his parents were, to try and start again.

By this time I had helped him start a business up, so at least some small income was coming in from him and I was still working full time. My daughter was going to nursery then, luckily she was so young she doesn't remember the hell she must have seen. The ex used to push me about, grab me, put me down in front of his friends and make me feel crap about myself constantly, he didn't let me go out, see my friends, my family or anyone and countless other awful things that I just can't write about. He said I was fridgid (I am obviously not, just didn't want sex with him!) - by this stage, I hated him and resented giving him anything else of me.

I eventually one day cracked and told him I didn't love him anymore and I wanted out. He said I couldn't take our daughter. So after threatening to kill me and cut me up into tiny pieces, so no one could find me, he said he wanted me to sign a letter to give him full rights to our daughter (residential custody). I was very scared, had no one to turn to and signed the stupid letter. He then drove my daughter back to his parents (I don't drive). I couldn't see her and he was in full control. Eventually the court decided on shared custody (this has never happened). Anyway, I found somewhere to live very fast, as the landlord took pity one me and continued to work full time. I saw my daughter every other weekend at first and at one point thought I would get her back, as he found a girlfriend in the first week and the girlfriend told him our daughter should be with the mother. I was so excited - but no this didn't last and he quickly found someone else, moved in and had my daughter start calling her Mum almost right away.

I call her every week still. But over the years, the visits from my daughter got fewer and fewer and she is now a teenager. I saw her recently (after months of not seeing her) took her out, bought her clothes, cinema all sorts and she said she would send me a Mothers day card and a text ... I have received nothing. The same happened at Christmas when I sent her some money nothing... I don't know if it because she doesn't want her Dad to know she cares for me or something cruel (he checks her phone and emails) I wrote to her and said how I felt (I didn't ever told her the whole story by the way) I just said to her please give a little back basically and that I love her and never abandoned her etc

Phew, right so ok what I am trying to ask here - as I don't know what else to do is, what should I do now?? I am finding this all too painful to keep on trying. My Mother says give up (I have other children here to think of too). Thanks for reading x

I've never been in your situation, but I am a mother. I would say hang on in there and keep the contact lines open. Your D will not always be a teenager, she will soon be an adult and be able to make contact with whoever she wishes whenever she wishes. The choices she makes may not be the choices you would like, but at least she will have a choice.

Good luck, I truly hope all works out well for you. x.

OP, I'm sorry but I don't think your expectations of a damaged teenager, living between two parents who are still so unhappy with each other are realistic.

You want a mother's day card from someone you don't see for months? Buying her gifts and treats isn't the same as mothering. She hasn't, by the sounds of your post, had much mothering from you over the years.

There are obviously reasons for that but from her perspective you did 'abandon' her. Not even getting the shared custody that you were entitled to.

It can be incredibly hard when you're hurting yourself. But try to look at it from her perspective. And make allowances for the fact that she is a child needing your love and support. And the support and love YOU need will probably have to come from elsewhere for a few years.

Good luck.

Hugs.

I agree, keep the lines open.
I don't know the full story, but, TBH I'd be damned if I had let an abusive man keep my child.

It is possible, yes, that she feels let down by you.

Have you had the opportunity to actually talk about things with her?
Even ask her if she wants to spend more time with you or even move in?

I have to say my sympathy is with your poor dd. She has had a terrible messed-up childhood witnessing an abusive relationship (don't underestimate the effect of such things even on a very young child, it is not 'forgotten') then losing her Mother and establishing/losing other mother-figures.

You admit that you don't know how much control your ex has over her - someone so abusive has probably not been the kindest father and will have done his best to poison her against you.

You may be sure that you didn't abandon her but if you think of it from her perspective it might very well look like that. It's perhaps easy for me to say but I could never imagine agreeing to leave my child with a such a man, I would have fought to the last breath and perhaps that is what your dd feels too.

It was unfair of you to write and ask her to give something back because you have given her material things. If you love her then don't stop trying, maybe write again and say you will always be there for her and you don't expect anything in return.

So after threatening to kill me and cut me up into tiny pieces, so no one could find me, he said he wanted me to sign a letter to give him full rights to our daughter (residential custody). I was very scared, had no one to turn to and signed the stupid letter. He then drove my daughter back to his parents

But you did have 'someone' to turn to... after he'd coerced you into signing the letter and driven off with your dd, you could have called the police and reported him.

Another opportunity was lost when you were awarded 'shared' custody of your dd as you could have gone back to Court for an enforcement Order when your ex failed to comply with the Court's directions.

From your dd's perspective, it most probably seems as if you made no effort whatsoever to keep her in your life after you'd separated from your ex and your 'abandonment' will, undoubtedly, have caused her untold emotional harm and distress which may have been compounded by the fact that you have gone on to have more dc who, presumably, live with you.

The cruel truth is that, throughout her formative years, you haven't been a mother to your dd and you have no right to expect her to 'give a little back'. It's most unfair of you to put pressure on her and, if you continue to do so, you may find she decides to cut contact with you completely.

If her df is as toxic as you say, your dd may find her way back to you in the fullness of time but, until she takes the initiative, all you can do is continue to let her know that you are 'there' for her and that your love for her is unconditional, as no doubt it is for her half-siblings.

I think there are some really helpful, insightful posts on this thread. OP, I hope you manage to work things out with your daughter. I also think it is important to remember that you are the mother. It is your job to make the effort always; it is not her responsibility. You need to show her that you love her and you are there for her no matter what, particularly since you have not been the for her in the past, for whatever reason, and you now have more dcs.

I really do hope you resolve things.

Thanks for taking time to read this and comment. Obviously, I was very young, frightened and naive and in hindsight I would have done alot of things different, so this situation wouldn't be here now. I have written to her and told her how I feel ( I have never said what her Father did) and I totally see her side of things - she did take this on board, she knows I am always here for her and always have been.

The easy way for me before now would have been to give up but I haven't, I have always persisted. I suppose the only reason I wrote on here yesterday was because it was so raw. I don't normally expect a card, call anything, as for the last five years at least, there has not been any. The only thing is, the last time I saw her and we were out, she saw something to do with Mother's Day and said to me I am sending you and card and will text you Sunday. Then nothing, she sent me an email asking for some phone credit just 4 days ago, which of course I gave her then nothing.

To be honest, if I were reading this too, I would probably think the same as you all but you have to live it for 13 years to really know how it feels. It isn't as if I haven't tried, the shared custody has petered out over the years, as she goes to clubs and does thing with friends at weekends and as I wanted the best for her and for her to decide what she wanted to do and to be happy I let this go -w rong again you may say. No I am not perfect by far, but actually, I am a good, kind and loving person this I do know or I wouldn't let thing hurt me if I didn't care. I even got messages from my grown up Step Kids yesterday.

I am not her to jusify what I have done at all, I came on here to sound out if you like what I should try and do next. I was brought up to say 'thank you', to someone when they sent me a gift or done something nice for me. If she really resents me for everything, it doesn't honestly show when I see her. I do really think she is just afraid of what people will say at home is she shows me any care.

Anyway, there is no real solution to this, as I know I have to keep on trying (it's all I have even done) and hope that one day when she has grown up we can have some sort of a relationship.

Thanks again x