Confused and Sad

[crazylove]

Hi posting under different name.

I'm really confused right now and it's getting me down.

I'm starting to have doubts about my feelings. The relationship is still relatively new. We have been together for about a year and a half. Things moved very quickly but it all felt so natural and perfect so I didn't worry. Now I'm wondering why I feel this way when he is so wonderful and I'm in love aren't I?

He moved from Italy to be with me. I thought he was coming to visit but he has stayed and moved in. Because I felt so strongly about him we talked about our future and me wanting kids very early on. I met him online when I was going high from being unwell. I have bipolar.

I feel that the initial rush of love has passed now and I'm starting to doubt. I find myself over analysing things and finding fault with stupid things. I don't even want to write this cos I feel like i'm betraying him and me. Because I don't really know how I'm feeling

There is a lot of pressure on me and our new relationship. I have always wanted a child and that has taken a lot of planning cos of my medication/health. I have spent the last year on meds that have been making my life miserable cos of side effects.

He is such a wonderful person and really mature he's much younger than me. He takes me and all my problems in his stride. It's not hard for him to relate to my suffering with bipolar. He has his own experiences with ADHD that make it easy for him to I understand me. Now I'm crying writing this as I don't know why I'm feeling this way.

So to summarise,

I've fallen fast and deep into commitment in this relationship
We have a deep connection

but I feel under pressure and I don't know why

Doubts creeping in and it's nothing to do with his character I don't find fault there, no it's silly I'm finding fault with his looks which I don't understand cos I've always had a strong physical attraction. It's like I'm trying to sabotage something that works.

What's wrong with me :(

hi
dont beat yourself up about this, it is normal to have these feelings and doubts in a relationship, especially at the beginning while you are trying to determine if he is the one. Could this be the depression kicking in again?
sounds like you really love him, this is just a hurdle to get past..
could you talk to him?

Thanks for replying :)

At first I blamed it on 'trying to conceive' Have only been trying since January and I'm wondering if the pressure of such a commitment is playing with my mind.

And yes there is all this pressure of thinking is he the one? after not really using my head in the beginning :)

I do love him loads and I guess that's why this hurts so much. Cos I feel so isolated. I haven't spoken to anyone about this.

Thank you for saying this is normal. I guess having obsessive thoughts I can't share has been getting me down. I feel I am a bit depressed too.

The depression has got worse cos of trying to be on the wrong meds for the past year. I will be talking to my consultant soon.

I'm feeling insecure cos of moving so fast with relationship and trying to conceive which is a huge deal. This will be my first child

crazylove,
perhaps you should have a break from ttc? while you work out your feelings, with your head? I would suggest counselling on your own. I think you should ideally be at a place where you are very happily planning a family together, however it is a huge thing so the doubts are normal :-) the feeling of isolation is probably the depression, anyone you can share with in RL aswell? a friend?

Cappuccinodays

I feel an immense sense of relief for simply sharing my feelings with you. I think your advice to take a break from ttc is good. the reason I'm focussing so much is cos of my age. I will soon be 42 and feel forced into it for that reason. I have very regular periods and don't feel that I need to worry just yet about my fertility, but of course I do

What you say makes sense though. I think this is putting too much pressure on us. It would be nice to not have to worry. I will definately try to not focus on the ttc cos I think it's just too much pressure normally and for my depression too.

I will talk to him about this and how it's putting pressure on me in other ways. thank you for helping me. This forum is amazing and I appreciate your being there for me in my moment of crisis

I talked to him about my mixed up feelings. I hoped it would help but I still feel bad. I need to get through this, I hate being the negative one.