Do I *have* to give access to my child(ren)?

[howdiditgetthisbad]

I cut contact late last year with my sister, our relationship has never been good but after the birth of my DC1 in 2010 then my sister became quite unpleasant making me miserable every time I saw her. However my sister is a charming delight to the rest of the family who adore her.

At Christmas my mother (with whom I also have had a poor relationship with in the past but who I have got on well with in the past 8 years after my sister worked abroad) requested that I didn't join them for family lunch on Christmas Day as there was too much tension. I accepted this, mainly due to morning sickness and being as sick as a dog and when I explained why I had chosen to cut contact with my sister my 'D'M agreed my sister was volatile and her tone of voice was frequently derogatory and insulting.

I said I recognised that my relationship with my sister was worrying my 'D'M and so I said that I would happily try mediation or group therapy if my mother agreed to come along, but that she had to accept her role in my sister and I having no relationship. This seemed to make my mum relax and she agreed to something in the new year. In early January I let my family know we were expecting DC2 after some additional tests took place, my mother begged me to let me sister know, against my better judgement I did so, as yet she has not replied or acknowledged the news (I'm 30weeks).

Fast forward to now. My sister has been spending an increasing amount of time at my mothers since Christmas due to housing issues. In that same period my mother has gradually reduced her interest in my DC1 whom previously she was unhealthily obsessed by fond of and she has stopped ringing, emails are one line, very little discussion about my current much wanted pregnancy.

When I called to arrange Mothers Day events this weekend my 'D'M' was only too happy to agree to me taking her out. I mentioned that I had done as she requested in letting my sister know about the baby but had no reply - at which point my mum lost the plot. Suddenly accusing me of banning my sister from seeing my child, ignoring meetups, accusing my of lying and irrational behaviour. I eventually put the phone down very very upset.

So. After all that (and there is 30years of abuse backstory here too, my sister learnt to speak to me like shit after watching my mother) I feel like completely cutting all contact with both my mother and my sister.

My DC1 is a wonderful child and the absolute centre of my world, I want to protect her from mind games and from the crappy debris of my family.

Do I have to let them see my child? Before hanging up my mother said I had to start arranging for my DC1 to be dropped off places so my sister could have a relationship with her. And my sister is posting all over FB about how great aunties are. Before I cut contact last year my sister just wasn't interested in seeing my DC1, gave her loads of chances but she was always busy.

Please tell me I don't have to enable this, please. My husband said that I have no need to worry and he will support me if they take up a legal challenge.

Thank you for reading.

No you don't, but be prepared for a lot of nastiness.

Didn't want you to worry. You have absolutely no need to enable your sister to have a relationship with your child. I don't think you have to with your mother either, and in any event, she would have to go to court to enforce this (not sure whether grandparents rights have ever been tightened up, but have a vague recollection that they might have done so?) Don't worry, it sounds as if you are doing the right thing.

No you dont....you do not have to enable this, you do nit have to suffer this and you do not have to do anything that offends, hurts and dissapoints you.

I feel for you, what a horrible, horrible time you have had...your DH sounds fab and you sound like a saint...cut them off and out of your life now and start living my lovely.

nit ? should have course been not

No, no obligation.

Sounds like you might refit from some solo counselling to unpick your family dynamics with the counsellor and get stronger in yourself. Would you be tempted?

Grandparents have no automatic rights in law to see their grandchild. As FiveGoMadInDorset states though be prepared for them to get really nasty towards you.

They cannot and have not ever treated you properly and your sister learnt a lot of damaging crap from her mother with you ending up as the scapegoat for their inherent ills. You are certainly right to protect this child and your unborn against the mindgames and power and control that is rife in emotionally dysfunctional families.

Toxic people often become toxic grandparents and will add nothing positive to their granchildrens' lives.

Of course you don't have to 'drop your DC(s) off' so they can seean auntie who won't speak to you!! Sounds like your 'D'M swallows your sister's story hook line & sinker - which may be in keeping with the back story. If your sister wants a relationship with your DCs, let her build one with you first. If she won't - that's her choice & not your problem. I don't think she's legally entitled, but it won't make for easy family relations unless your DM can acquire some insight into what's going on.

My DC1 is a wonderful child and the absolute centre of my world, I want to protect her from mind games and from the crappy debris of my family.

^ Spot on. Just keep this in mind. You are vulnerable at the moment and they sound like they're trying to dig their claws in. As others have said, they have no rights, and they probably won't do anything legal as they wouldn't have a leg to stand on. You are perfectly within your rights to deny contact, as it could be damaging to your children. I know it's beyond horrible, but it sounds like you have a lovely little family of your own - concedntrate on them and stay strong. Best of luck x

Thank you for the replies.

FrequentFlyer I have had counselling now for a while, however there is so much backstory to this that it does not surprise me in the least my mother has sided with my sister.

I didn't sleep Friday night as I was so upset, which sounds really wet, but I have spent so so much of my life with my toxic mum/sister desperate for someone to listen to me for once. I truly thought this time my mother might stand up for me but I was wrong.

As for getting nasty - I think it already has.

Hello, no you do not have to let them see your child or you or your family.

The have no rights to your children what so ever. In fact I would say that a relationship with them would not be benefital. They can go to court but its verycostly and they still might not win.

Have a look at the stately homes threads there is lots of good advice on there.

CreepyLittleBat I do have a lovely tiny family of my own - we've never really been able to rely on my family for helping out (DH's family do but all work FT so quite hard for them to) they offer but are always busy when push comes to shove.

No, as far as I know, other than parents and (very rarely) long term step parents no mum has to give access to anyone.

Air I did start reading the stately homes thread and a lot rang true. What makes me really miserable is that this has been going on decades, my mum was extremely abusive to me as a child, witnessed by extended family and yet none of them ever spoke up for me although it transpired in October that they did in fact know.

My sister was always the golden child, but I thought much of this had been put behind us since the arrival of my DC1. The issue was caused by the way my mother raised my sister and I, and she has a role to play in 'fixing' this if we ever did, but she was so angry on the phone (I'm 36 btw) and spoke so nastily about me and my supposed actions. My mother has not taken my sisters side so aggressively for years, it was the same tone and anger that she used on me as a child.

No, they have no rights whatsoever. I'm just gobsmacked that you could possibly believe otherwise. That's ludicrous.

Who on earth has told they have "rights" regarding your children? It's total bollocks.

I don't know much about legal matters at all (apart from how to buy a house) and it was the authority my mother seemed to have that suggested she was going to be forcing the issue. I just needed to know where I stood.

Regarding children, it's only them who have rights, not your mother or sister.
Only if they showed that it would be in the best interest of the children, but your sister never had a relationship with dc, and even your mum has stopped bothering much.

Would reiterate that neither your mother as grandparent nor your sister have any automatic right in law to see granchildren.

This could well be the dynamic behind your dysfunctional birth family unit:-
It's very common for Narcissistic Mothers to have a Golden Child / Scapegoat dynamic going on.

In short, one child in the family is the Golden Child, and one or more is the Scapegoat.

The Golden Child, as the name suggests, is the best and most wonderful - at least in the eyes of the Narcissistic Mother. It seems to be that the Narcissistic Mother picks the Golden Child to be an extension of herself, onto whom she projects all her own supposed wonderfulness.

The Golden Child can do no wrong. He or she gets given the best of everything - even apartments or houses bought for them. Their most minor achievements are celebrated and held up for admiration.

The Scapegoat on the other hand is, also as the name suggests, the person on whom all the ills of the family are projected. They can do no right. Their major achievements are dismissed. Any money spent on them is the bare minimum and is spent begrudgingly.

Growing up the Scapegoat can understandably feel very jealous of the Golden Child.

This, of course, leads to friction between the children, which suits the Narcissistic Mother. Divide and conquer and all that, and lots of opportunities for Triangulation. Indeed, the Golden Child can be encouraged, either overtly or tacitly, by the Narcissistic Mother, to bully the Scapegoat which adds to the friction.

It sounds like you'll be doing your DC a big favour by keeping them away. Stick to your guns and enjoy your non-toxic family.

You are neither morally or legally obliged to give your mother and/or your sister access to your dc and it would appear to be in the best interests of those dc to have nothing whatsoever to do with this poisonous pair or any other of your birth family members who may try to persuade you otherwise.

You're The Mommy now, honey. Spoil yourself tomorrow and let it be remembered for the day you stepped up to the plate and ended all contact with those who do not have your best interests at heart.