standing up to DP... what now

[fallingandlaughing]

Have been with DP for many years and we have a toddler.

DP has been a bit lost, unhappy in work, gave it up, didn't work for a couple of years. Now stays at home with our child, which he is great at. However he tends to niggle at me when he is stressed or down, I'm sick of it.

Last night we had a few cross words over different view on how to settle the baby. Suddenly he went ballistic, calling me a fucking bitch. i told him I wouldn't interact with him if he continued like that - seemed to inflame him more. Left the room trying to settle baby. He followed me, looking enraged, shouting about how he is "sick of me". I did my best to stay calm as still holding the baby. TBH I think he would have hit me if we had been alone, he was so menacing, I had to tell him to back off, which also angered him.

Spent the night assessing my options. I do love him but can't accept this type of behaviour, makes me feel very unloved and not respected at all.

This morning I had to go into our bedroom to get things for me and the baby before going out, got another mouthful - again tried to to rise to it but had to bite my lip. Outrageous behaviour.

He told me last night he was leaving me. This may still be the plan (I am hiding out elsewhere). But if it isn't I don't know what I want. I don't want to live like this. I want my child to grow up in a happy home. If we split I am worried about not being able to be with her enough. I work FT so can't see how I would share custody on weekends. I don't want to be with him unless it s me he wants to be with, not just our child plus the fear of the unknown.

I guess if he is still there when I get home I'll ask him to leave for a bit so we can have a think.

Would really appreciate any perspectives here.

I agree that you need to have some time apart.

Whatever the outcome, you WILL manage. He might be the main carer but he is abusive, so don't automatically assume he will get more time with the baby. Many many single parents work and make it work.

One step at a time. Don't think so far ahead that you put obstacles in your way because you fear the changes.

Thanks.

It is really hard to see that word - abusive. How did I fall in love with someone who would hurt me this way? My whole life is loving and supporting him and our child, I would do anything for him but he has hurt me incredibly.

Trying so hard to be strong for my little one.

Have him leave.
(does he have somewhere to go ?)

Take a week off work and look after the baby. then review.

Was this a one off? Presumablnooks as you say he gets stressed and niggles.

Is swearing at you normal ? And looking menacing? Does he do this to others ?

If he gets aggressive or menacing leave with baby or call 999,

Avoid confrontation at all costs for now... Contact him and tell him you will stay away for x days and then can he do the same. Take it slow and consider your options. But the longer you avoid talking to him the better really x

Thanks everyone. I think I may venture home tonight - don't even now if he is there, but not yet ready to talk about things. I guess I fear the outcome for us all if he doesn't see this behaviour as problematic. The man I know would see acting like this as shameful, but he also doesn't like to be wrong and so there is the possibility he will divert blame. Will take a few days off and spend time with baby. I am lucky to have places to stay if I need to but feel if one of us needs to be out it is better it is him.

He has lost his temper before. Not a regular thing at all. Worse this time. He says that he was very angry when younger.

Feeling a bit wobbly.

I hope everything's alright, OP. Don't even think of him having the baby all weekend. If he's aggressive then I wouldn't want him to have the baby on his own.

Children don't get easier - they get more and more testing (DP and I have argued aplenty over our different parenting styles as i am sure many have) however i have never EVER felt threatened by DP.

If this was the first time i would be waiting for things to calm, expecting an unconditional apology and for him to examine with me what it was that triggered this outburst - had something happened that he was bottling up etc? But this wasn't the first time and it would scare me that as your baby gets older things will escalate. DP and I had to check ourselves so as NOT to argue in front of our DD. If he can't control his temper now, i would be worried about the future.

I am not saying LTB but unless he is willing to face up to HIS problem and get help with it then it has to be a very probably possibility :(