My mother is an old witch

[JacqueslePeacock]

and I had a horrible, abusive childhood which she alternatively pretends didn't happen or claims was all my fault (I was such a horrible little girl, don't you know). She has been equally unpleasant, melodramatic and difficult all through my adult life.

So why do I feel so guilty that I haven't sent her a big bunch of flowers for Mother's Day? Why do I have a sinking feeling of dread as I anticipate tomorrow? Why do I keep thinking of her sad face as she realises I didn't send anything, and feeling really selfish and hurtful? What's wrong with me?!

I feel the same way too. It's hard. I ended up caving in because of the things you have said and feeling guilty. I sent a gift and a blank card from a multipack. I wonder if I didn't send anything etc like you wether that feeling of guilt will ever go away maybe somebody else will come along and tell us?

Its called FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt. Very common in situations like yours!

I am sorry that you dont have a mum you feel you can spoil. I am in a similar position and its sad.

The thing is, I thought I'd worked through the FOG. I guess i'm over the first two, the fear and the obligation, but I just feel so guilty. I can't stand to think that I am deliberately choosing to upset her when I could just do such a simple thing as buy a card and put it in the post.

It's shite, isn't it? I know a card would be a complete nonsense - she is a pretty dreadful mother. But it just seems like such a little thing which I could have done and would mean a lot to her. The problem is that to me it would be a complete negation of all my experiences with her and I don't want to go on negating that.

I'm sorry - I'm probably just musing aloud here. I have a lovely baby son and should be looking forward to being a mother on mother's day. Instead I'm feeling crappy.

Obligation plays a huge part too in the FOG - fear obligation and guilt. Have a look at the website entitled Out of the Fog.

I would also read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward if you have not done so already and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Fortunately for me, my mother dislikes Mothers Day with a passion so have never bought anything for her for this day. Even if she did like it, I would have to think twice about buying her a card at all and probably would not.

I don't care much for cards and gifts on mother's day either, and neither does my mum.

I think the card thing is quite irrelevant. You either have a good relationship with your mum, whether you send the card or not, or you don't, in which case sending a card will not make a difference.

It's typical of narcissistic people to force people to do things to please them, mainly on especial occasions, like birthdays, Christmas etc etc. I used to have a friend like that. I always felt obliged to send cards or greetings for her birthday, for example. Last year I stopped, as I realised that you need to send cards or gifts when you really feel it, and it makes you happy. If it's a chore, better not to do it.

Well, my mother sent me a card in which she wrote from one mother to another. She was controlling, narcissistic, emotionally abusive, we are barely in contact. I hope I am not the kind of mother she was.

Random contribution to your thread, sorry, but I didn't send flowers or gift either. Give the money to charity if it makes you feel better, preferably one where a certain amount buys an item like a schoolbook, and replace the image of your mum's face with something positive.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions! I know I shouldn't really feel guilty, but I do somehow. She made me feel like the whole purpose of my life was to make her happy, and sometimes I still feel enormously responsible for her happiness, even after a couple of years of seeing her for what she is and trying to distance myself. It's interesting to hear that there are others who feel the same.

Maybe at some point down the line I will be sufficiently distanced to be able to send her a plain "happy Mother's Day" card, just to acknowledge that she is my mother, but at the moment that feels like it would be betraying my own feelings, so I can't do it. I think I am just worried that it seems sort of petty of me, when such a small thing would mean a lot to her. But I just can't send her anything right now.

You are not responsible for he happiness.

It is a huge thing to you to lie year after year and you don't have to.

I think you have subconsciously taken a stand which must now become conscious.

It's perfectly alright for you to lay it straight out on the table.

She was not a great mother and she continues in that vein. No she won't hear or accept that. But it's alright for you to think it.

You don't have to lie, it's alright x. And you don't have to answer the calls either.

My mother (refuse to call her mum) doesn't know i am prego. I toyed with telling her but we haven't spoken since my wedding 2 years ago. Things were tense before my big day as she threw a fitover my guest list (my dad and his wife were coming). I have always maintained a relationship with my dad much to mothers annoyance. Think she wanted me to accept her new husband as my father when it was him who broke my parents up.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, although its sad and i do feel guilty, I have to think of whats best for my daughter. I hope I will never be like her and accept my daughter for all her flaws. I never want my daughter to feel like I do.

My work friends are appalled that my mum doesn't know. Its quite upsetting as they dont understand what I have been through with her and i dont feel as though as i can talk to them about my pregnancy. Feel as though i have nobody to talk to.

Sorry, off track again. Basically, i know it is hard not having your mum as a role model but we can do it without them. Hey we have come this far and we are ok right?

Thanks everyone - you have helped make me feel better. I'm sorry there are so many of us going through this. It really is crap, isn't it? I hope you have all had a good Mother's Day, toxic mothers notwithstanding.