Please kick my arse and tell me to be grateful for what I have!

[moggerhanger]

Have namechanged for this as I don't want to out myself in RL.

I'm feeling very down and miserable and need someone to tell me to stop being so self-pitying.

A bit of background: I'm married to DH and we have two DCs. We've been married for quite a long time (a number between 13 and 18 years!) and had our DCs in the last 4 years. So fairly late in life, comparatively.

DH is a lovely bloke, really he is. But he is crap at doing anything to do with the house or the admin of our lives. So I do it all, and I do mean ALL - housework, finances, planning holidays, socialising, activities with the DCs, you name it. Things have just got a lot worse since the DCs arrived (as I knew they would). When I am at work I can outsource a lot of it - cleaner, gardener, handyman etc. But I'm currently on maternity leave and we can't really afford that until I go back to work. (And it's not always that easy to find people willing to do the work either.)

At the moment I just feel that all I get out of our relationship is a bit of help with the childcare and the odd load of washing putting in the machine/dishes in the dishwasher. Otherwise he goes to work and turns up for meals. We haven't had sex since long before the younger DC was born and I can't imagine wanting to do so ever again - my libido is at zero. (I can't even be bothered to have a wank.) I feel we're drowning in clutter (mainly DH's and the DCs') and that the house is permanently grubby - not filthy, but not as clean as I'd like either. I know I could do more but I start wondering why it should be me all the time! I often feel I can't wait to go back to work but I know that then I'll be working as well as shouldering the burden of the household.

Is this just the price I have to pay for staying married to DH? On the plus side, he's kind, a wonderful dad, great company and loyal. So I should be grateful for that, right? (Especially when I read about some of the utter tossbags other mumsnetters seem to be in a relationship with.)

Sounds like he needs the kick in he arse! Have you explained this to him?

*in the arse

Its a conversation we've had many times over the years. He always says he'll do better but it only ever lasts a week or two. He also never goes for any of the suggestions I have to divide the responsibilities more evenly (tasks lists etc). Maybe we should try Relate - though I'm sure it would shock him if I suggested that - because I can't think of a way to get him to listen to me properly.

To be fair to DH, he works a 1.5 hour commute from where we live. So he has to leave early in the morning and he gets home in time to get the DCs bathed and into bed. He's also tried really hard not to bring work home with him in the evenings since they were born, which he always used to do. I can understand that he's knackered in the evenings and doesn't want to have to start cleaning the bogs or going through the week's post. But I'm knackered too, bugger it!

I have often thought about relocating to nearer his work but it would mean me giving up my (very good) job, and I also think we'd just then have the same problems but in a new house in an area where we don't have any friends.

I think you should suggest Relate. If you basically have a good marriage apart from this one issue, then it is worth dealing with it before it sours the whole thing.

Oh my dh is working ridiculous hours at the moment and I feel like our home is a hotel. He turns up, eats, sits in front the tv (usually working or on laptop) we barely speak and then he goes again in the morning and then wonders why I don't want to have sex I honestly have more fun at work, at least there are people there who want to talk to me!

Anything that needs doing beyond ordinary life changing car/booking holiday/redecorating he has to be talked into and he'll grumble about and then I'll organise. He works full time, I work part time (he brings in shed loads more than me) but I keep everything running.

On the other hand he's great with the kids, loving, loyal and loads the dishwasher and does the bins .

So I'll join you in really having nothing much to grumble about but feeling a bit miserable.

gregshead you're not me are you?! Though my DH doesn't earn shedloads more than me - if I were full time I'd be on a lot more. Not that that's relevant!

Alibaba, you're right about dealing with this before it sours the whole thing. I've been thinking how ridiculous it is to (in my worst moments) be considering separation over something as trivial and petty as household admin.

Wow, there are women like me too then!

DH is rather selfish, we own and live on the business, long hrs, continual chat shop talk, and like you - I do everything. Everything has to revolve around him and the business, he hasnt a clue what I do or the childrens routine. He hardly ever helps or ever thinks of emptying the dishwasher. Then he rants about our sex life! Who frigging cares about sex I'd like a normal home life where I'm treated like a princess against a housekeeper!

Its got to the point now where I have no passion for anything, I'm unsure where I go from here?

Sounds like you both need a short sharp shock.

Imagine something really bad happened...someone sick for example.

It would all seem pretty petty, no?

This is a rut. It happens in every relationship. If he is otherwise a good man, work at it.

Suggest you look at the routine, where time could be saved, more done together and sit down and talk. Explain that the rut is killing the relationship, which must be a priority and how you both might work to improve things.

Warn him that the slide is happening, that sex etc is way down list of priorities but you wish it wasn't. Ask for his input, how does he see it and what can be done?

Sounds simple, it's not. But is a start.

Consider your ass kicked

This is why men's health improves so much in marriage, they gain a wife. Tell him you need a wife and tell him the job description and sit down and work out who will be doing all the wife's work.

[[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363304823&sr=8-1
here]]

I agree with tightfortime

You don't need to put up with this.

As cereal said, and why married women's health is worse than single's. :(

I agree with talking to get out of the rut.
However, it seems it has happened before, it didn't last, and he doesn't like lists or timetables.

Guess what, my ex didn't either. He'd much rather have his relaxed life where he was a SAHD, of one easy child, but somehow I did more housework and interacted more with ds than him.

And I had the long commute.

I think it may help to divide up tasks as you do one. Say, vacuum while you prepare the food, or tidy up while you hang the clothes.
He shouldn't really be able to squirm his way out.
And if he does you have your answer.

At some point you mayneed to put breaking up on the cards, or go on strike with him.
Let him deal with his clothes, his food, his holidays.