Difficult mothers & Mothers Day

[Salbertina]

I know I'm not alone. I realise i wished to honour the good in her despite our difficulties, the way she has treated me since my early teens and her emotional stuntedness. I have always felt a duty to send her a proper card and a generous present and have always
done so till now. This year just a card thanking her for being a kind mum when I was little.. For that i am grateful.

Hello, good for you.

I send someone else's mum a card! She is my surrogate mum.

Don't make it a huge deal tho, unless you still need time to Grieve what you wish you'd had....

Sorry about that capital G. iPad lives its own life!

Thanks.. Yes, still grieving a little but am moving out of victim mode - aiming to reposition how i feel (unworthy/:invalidated/afraid) putting it firmly in her court as her issue not mine; she's blissfully unaware of all of this though, keeping it all on MN in my head . Helps though! Still reasons to be grateful to her despite everything hence my carefully worded card ( how to be honest/firm/compassionate/grateful/boundary-setting all at once!)

I need a carefully worded card too! Can't find one in the shops as they all say 'to my wonderful mother', which is just too far from the truth to be comfortable for me or her. Might have to make one, because I do genuinely want her to have a happy mothers' day, and not sending a card would cause major problems.

Very impressed with your attitude, I need some of that : ) you sound lovely.

Thanks Mowser, its been a long time coming after some therapy

I did make my own, couldn't stomach the ones in the shops. Can you think of reasons-any- to be grateful to her? That formed the basis of my card.

Something- hope it helps sending one to your surrogate

Sallbertina - your original post is exactly how I feel. I have been toying with what to do as have always sent lovely card with mothers day on and generous gifts and been to visit. One minute I don't want to to anything then I have got the guilt and feeling sick fear and worried how's she is going to kick off. I've already had my younger sister ringing who lives with mum. I know mums put her upto ringing but she would never admit it. Sis rang at 11pm last night and I didn't answer so she left a voice message saying are you visiting mum on Sunday. It really grates on me how I've had a tough time over last few weeks and am poorly myself too and they know this and all there interested in is if I send a gift or visit and making me feel guilty for not visiting/gifts etc.

So anyway after a lot of thinking. I have sent a gift, ( i gave the gift to dad to give to sister when he sees her today! Mum and dad are divorced ) like others hAve said i couldn't find a suitable card so I've sent a blank one from a multipack. It's nice and colourful but no words. I can't face visiting tomorrow though. I suppose mum will kick off either way as I won't be visiting. Part of me thinks I wish I could have been strong enough to just not send anything and not visit. I know I will get texts and mum bad mouthing me to sister etc because I haven't visited so the gift will just be meaningless and a waste of my money as all she will focus on is me not visiting. So I will end up feeling crap ether way and wasted my money.

If she kicks off this time then I don't think I will send anything again.

Reasons to be grateful: I've been thinking about this and have come up with a couple of things, but not sure she'd appreciate a card saying 'thanks for teaching me to read and making me brush my teeth'!

Most years I love Mother's Day and can really have a genuine card. This year my Mum has let me down a lot, I feel we've grown apart due to her behaviour and its been really hard.

Glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. I don't want to upset her either; what's the point? Went shopping for a card last Saturday and felt so sad that I couldn't bring myself to get one of the "bestest and most wonderfullest mummy" ones. She'd probably love it but know I was lying. I should thank her for looking after me a bit

mowzer I have the same reasons to be grateful. I could also add making me feel guilty if I don't eat veg with a meal and ah, er....hm will have a think.

I sent a card saying I hope she has a lovely day. I will also phone, but it will be tense.

I feel sad and have booked myself to see a counsellor to try to move on a bit.

Have been wOndering about this. I decided to go no contact with mother agyer having enough of her ugliness. She is truly vile - told me she hated me and that she would smash a glass frame on my face ( whilst i was holding 1 yr old ds). I drew a line at that point. It was ds's birthday today and she sent a text worded to him to say how mich she loves him. I have a huge family wedding coming up that will drag on over 3 weeks. I will stay at parents house. Dreading it. Do i text tomorrow if only to soften things a bit before heading to Parents next week?

Sorry about typos! Trying to type and put ds tO sleep.

I'm like OrangeLily usually I do a lot but this year, since Christmas she has let me down and because I am fairly spineless I have bought a card with a photo on but blank inside and I will put something mundane inside.

No expensive lunch, bunch of flowers or photo frames this year.

Was deliberating at the dregs of the cards left in Sainsburys today. Decided not to bother as they were too over the top. Difficult to associate the mum who gave up so much for us to the mum who obsessed over the perceived slight of supposedly being missed off wedding photos whilst special needs son was in hospital.