Want to help my young friend - any advice?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Can't say too much as its not about me this time (I spill my guts about everything normally) ... But I really want to support her in the best way possible.

My friend (who I know through work) is alot younger than me, very early 20s and just left home for the first time, versus me, old gimmer the latter end of 30s.

Anyway, she came to me last night in a terrible state, her boyfriend had bashed her head against the floor and broken her phone and chucked her put of their flat without keys/ money/ coat. Luckily she had been able to make her way to mine and I sorted her out as best I could, checked for concussion, suggested gp/ hosp, suggested (but didn't push) the police, let her talk about it, and also shared my abuse story which people in rl don't know, and got her off to her mums to stay the night.

Anyway, am worried about her (obviously)... Alot of the things she's been telling people havent been true poor love:
car got bumped = boyfriend smashed the side with his foot, aerial came off = boyfriend, late to work with traffic = boyfriend stopping her etc

I wondered whether there are support hotlines/ specific groups etc for younger people? As she is at such a different life stage from me I feel like there's a gap

Can you point her in the direction of Womens Aid?. Show her their website, will she talk to them?. They could help your friend here.

Am glad to read that she felt able to come to you so she does trust you.
Does she realise the very real danger she is in because she is caught up in a violent relationship or is she even now making excuses for him?. You can only do so much, she has to come to realise for her own self that the only way forward for her is to get out before he puts her in hospital or even goes onto kill her.

Yes I think she did, and is battling the shame and devastation of facing up to it... Which is horrible to see poor thing.

Aparently she got to her mums last night & her mum was furious (with him), and she drove back again to get him out of the flat, big late night argument etc... Which my friend had been afraid of. Then he appeared again at 5am screaming and throwing stuff around outside her flat, saying he was going to make her life hell...

Am really worried for her as I don't think it sounds secure in that flat, and he sounds like a very scary and put of control man, who is huge and strong and has been crossed.

It's really hard to get someone to see how dangerous an abusive man can be, when she's familiar with him, and his behaviour, and i think it's easy for the shock to wear off and the normalization to set in.

She's not there now but am worried about her tonight.

Maybe call her, ask her to keep in touch if he reappears at 5am causing a disturbance etc.... and if that happens, call the police for her rather than wait for her to act. You don't mention the police at any stage in the story and I think they desperately need to be involved before your friend ends up as another sad DV statistic.

Sorry... I see you did mention the police but didn't push it. I think that angle has to be pushed now.

Does she have to stay in that flat? Do they rent or are they buying? Can she just leave?

Doesn't sound safe to me on her own in the flat. Can she not stay at her mum's house?

She really should report the assault to police and get some advice from WA. He sounds out of control and dangerous and she shouldn't be trying to deal with him on her own.

She needs to get a new phone and keep it with her if she does decide to stay in the flat.

As Cogito says. Keep in touch with her. Good that she has someone in rl watching out for her.

Can you not suggest she stays with parents for a while rather than alone in this flat.
He is going to be full of anger and venom at the moment because she 'dared' to involve others/speak out, not to mention the fact the bastard has been kicked out, albeit deservedly.
It might be safer for her, if she won't call the police every time he shows up, to not be there while he realises and accepts it's over.

Did her mum leave her there after getting this cock head out?? If yes then WHY???

It's great that you're looking out for her btw

Thanks for the replies, she was with me today hence the gap in me posting.

Yes yes to mentioning police Cognito am a mumsnet woman through & through dont worry!

didn't want to push it last night beyond describing what would happen and how non scary it is and they could help get him away from her flat, and I'd do it for her if she felt too upset etc... But didn't push it beyond that as I was the first person she d ever told about it & I didn't want to shut her down from talking... As she was so ashamed (could cry at that).

If she goes back to him or stays in the flat without locks changed etc I will phone the police whether she likes it or not... It's a really hard balance between encouraging her & reacting fast. I dont want to get it wrong - either way :(

She was with me today & her hand is hurt too. I had a careful talk about how he was more dangerous now as she's started to stand up for herself & that I am v v worried about her.

To my relief she agreed (thank fuvk for that), she's been telling other people today and they are dating the same things as me, which is really good. I think the more people she tells, the less likely she is to go back (is that true btw? Feels true)

& is going put with one tonight & staying with her tonight & back to mine tomorrow. So I think she's on the right track, and I know she's safe for another 24 hrs. She's absolutely welcome at mine but I think she doesn't want to take the p*ss (which she utterly wouldn't be, but she feels like it!). Will be reaffirming that tomorrow.

Gosh I'm actually really shocked myself, on a selfish note, it's like hearing my voice, from 2 yrs ago (or 8, depending of u count from when I got out or when it started), coming out of the mouth of this lovely, young, amazing beautiful person and it really upset me.

Seeing her going through the same feeling as I did, but me knowing her & looking from the outside in ... Well its so clear how disgusting these abusers are. And actually ... How much I wasn't to blame. I've been carrying that around with me and seeing her today made me realise I've been blaming myself a bit. How sad.

Obviously not been showing any of that to her... Just sharing with you!