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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

a common situation!!

39 replies

bustedmonkey · 09/03/2013 10:11

Hi, you must have heard this all before.... but its new to me. i've no real r/l friends and cant talk to my family yet.

i'm mid 30s [D]H early 40s married 8 years. sex life was really good when we were going out and then early years of marriage but has waned for the last 4-5 years. I love him, but he doesnt, bless him, turn me on. It seems same for him. We havent had sex for more than 3 years now. We're really good and the best of friends (or so i thought) and have had a good relations otherwise. He's always wanted kids and i've now said ok but then felt he was holding back recently. When i told him about 3-4 times a week to conceive he said he was sorry he's not been up to it cos of work issues (more on that below).

He's very precious with laptop and phone and always has been. It has bothered me a little and i've tried to look before but never found anything.
Till today. I checked his internet history this morning and have found that he's been on Adultfriend finder and another site for the last 3 week (that's how far internet history goes). He has a log on but i cant hack it.

He was not working for about 3 years and had left some jobs falling out with MDs, but has been gainfully employed the last 6 months. It's been life on my salary for 3 years and i make more than him now. BUT he doesnt tell me about money which has annoyed me in the past, but now scares me.

Recently, i've been fantasising about men i fancy cos i want to be with someone who'll sweep me off my feet. But i'm a realist and feel that may not happen or something else will be wrong with the guy.....i'm very very picky.

One thing that gets me is that i am the 'most likely to stray' one, and when we first got together he said straying will be the only unforgiveable in his eyes. I must say he's been very patient with me and my stupidity throughout the marriage.

What am i looking at here. Please help. I have an older brother i am very close to but no other females i can really speak with. Mom's a recent widow and a constant worrier, she wont be able to cope with this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/03/2013 14:59

BM, there are so many things wrong with your last post I don't quite know where to start

your H is on a NSA web site trawling for "discreet" sex

and you still think you need to improve yourself ?

really ?

Original poster

bustedmonkey · 10/03/2013 15:55

only because i feel it was partly my fault that he needed to go elsewhere. i took it for granted that i thought we could be the best of friends and not require sex in a marriage and then not do anything about it.

dont get me wrong i'm not forgetting the fact that he should have spoken with me or even left me instead of going down this route.

i guess i am asking if we can hit a restart button taking responsibility for our actions (some more serious repurcussions than other) and doing something about it to make this work.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/03/2013 16:00

Personally, I would end it.

I wouldn't be able to get past the disrespect of me.

But that's just me.

Do you think he would admit his own part in things getting to this point...or try to blame it all on you ?

You could only come to a collaborative solution if he actually collaborates. If his answer is to seek sex elsewhere and deceive you, it's not a great start and doesn't boe well

What will also bode even less well if you allow him to blame you for his infidelity, and it looks like you would

cjel · 10/03/2013 16:54

any. I see all your points but maybe just maybe OP should feel guilty if she stopped wanting sex with her H 3 years ago and she has made it clear that she doesn't fancy him and they seem incapable of discussing intimate subjects perhaps in some weird way he thought that a good friend in a sexless relationship was better than no friend at all, like she does? if he could go somewhere else for his sex. It wouldn't work for me or you but I can sort of see in a strange way how he might have thought it was a good thing he was doing?

Original poster

bustedmonkey · 10/03/2013 17:11

i see your point AF he will have to own up to his indescretion - i created a situation which forced him to do something as it didnt work for him but he did the wrong thing by going outside. i will have to take on the chin my bit in this. but then he could very well have ended the marriange himself.

what's going in my head is the position cjel points out quite clearly - we're both happy here otherwise. or so it seems for now. i had fab sex with just one ex bf apart from that did it just cos i was in a relationship. with (D)H i did enjoy more so than the others but i am a prude who cant really do inhibited sex i can fantasise about it. never done a bj full on e.g.

a part of me even thinks i should 'turn a blind eye' and carry on with my otherwise good life cos any man i am ever with is going to want to have to do the same thing - look elsewhere?

OP posts:

cjel · 10/03/2013 17:25

I would urge you to get counselling for not enjoying sex, You are missing out on some real fun!!!

mrscynical · 10/03/2013 19:29

You definitely need counselling.

You state that you can't go shopping without him, you don't really enjoy sex, he's on adult sex sites, you have not had sex for three years and you and him have no friends.

Yet you claim, in two posts, to be 'really, really picky'. How on earth can bringing children into the mix (immaculate conception I guess) make this better.

I am not particularly picky yet wouldn't want to go near either you or your husband. Sorry, harsh but true.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2013 19:41

I believe Op should end this relationship

and then seek help on her own account for the problems she has with sex and intimacy

I wouldn't be seeking help within this relationship because this particular bloke has shit all over it, quite frankly

cjel · 10/03/2013 20:28

Perhaps Op has 'shit all over it' and dh is a saint?

AnyFucker · 10/03/2013 20:31

it's a POV, cjel

Original poster

bustedmonkey · 10/03/2013 21:32

i think my sex/intimacy issues arise from being abused as a child. i did think i 'got over it' but i guess not. i was forced to tell my parents this in my early 20s (they didnt know at all) and they both chose to continue to talk to see the cousin who abused me and that made (makes) me very very angry every time i think about it. my dad has passed but i still get angry with my mother for it even now. she never really loved me any way when i was a kid (i was raised by grand parents for nearly a year soon after i was born).

i see your point this isnt a marriage. it was a friendship for a while till this deceit snuck in. and its nothing now.

i might have shit all over it. but so has (D)H thank you very much. if somehting doesnt work and you want out and you're a saint you check out properly. not seek hook ups on the sly. he apologised to me for not shagging as he couldnt bring himself to do it cos of being nearly depressed being out of work. i went up to bed every night on my own despite asking several times to come (not promising a shag, but it could have led to). never did. or i snoozed on the fucking sofa night after night after my '9-5' stressful job to 'keep him company' cos he was getting depressed' fgs. i am no saint nor the fuck is he.

sorry for the rant. thanks so much for your kick up the ass i do appreciate it tho.

OP posts:

cjel · 10/03/2013 21:39

Was in no way trying to upset you,or excuse him, but he may have felt he was unloved but didn't want to hurt you, just trying to point out to af that if you had already left the relationship by not having sex then maybe he didn't see he was doing anything wrong.
I too had same as you and took me till I was 40 to get proper help and talk about what happened to me.My DH used to think he was helping me by sleeping in spare roomso that he wouldn't touch me and it was hard for him to see that I felt he was punishing me for being abused and that I needed him in our bed. I'd say if you can get counselling I don't think your marriage is definately over, but it will be hard and will mean you and DH being honest with each other about what you want.

Original poster

bustedmonkey · 12/03/2013 21:26

I may be heartless saying this, i agree I need to sort myself out and do realise this relationship wont work, but i am going to sort myself out first and nuture in myself the courage to leave. i also need to work on the legal/financial side to make sure i have the info - everything is in his name and he's tight/precious about money.....for anyone and anything other than himself.

he doenst know about my abuse and i dont intend telling him now.

All the years that he's not worked and i have, he's NEVER planned a celebratory meal for me....didnt have the time (but not working!) whereas i took him out every year for his b'day. no gifts for me either he was never broke (has other income).

OP posts:

cjel · 12/03/2013 22:51

Bless you,look after yourself and do what you need to take care of yourself.would love to think that you have the courage to get the support you need to help you over your abuse and learn to give yourself the happiness you deserve.

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