My mum can't remember I am pregnant

[Ipp3]

I am 39 weeks pregnant with my first child. My mum has dementia, is now unable to lay down new memories and so cannot remember that I am pregnant. However she is not some confused, unlucid wreck. She still knows who close acquaintences are and in her personality is still recognisably mum. She is only 70 and is physically fit and well. She lives at home with my brother. I don't see her very often as we live a long way from each other but i used to phone most days.

I am surprised by how much it upsets and worries me that she cannot remember that i am pregnant. It does not help that her responses are inconsistent when I do tell her. Sometimes she is happy and surprised. Others she could not care less or is negative.

Anyway, I am now phoning mum less as I find it so upsetting to have to have the initial ' I'm pregnant!' conversation over and over again. Even within the same conversation she has forgotten that I am pregnant by our third sentence exchange and thinks we are having a general chat about babies. There is no ability to build up a relationship over this child, or a conversation about him over time. And it will never get any better. At least now she thinks I am announcing the pregnancy to her. What about when he is 3 months old, 6 months, a year, five years? Suddenly talking about a child who has started rolling, talking or walking that she never knew existed is likely to be confusing and upsetting for her. I am worried it will just frighten and upset her as it will make her realise how poor her memory is (she has never understood she has dementia but does know her memory is bad and this does frighten and upset her when things happen which draw this to her attention). I don't know how to handle it. I have thought about not talking about the baby/pregnancy on the phone but this just seems weird and to be honest I can't really think of anything else to talk about! On the hand my current strategy of just running away from the problem by not phoning as often is unsatisfactory and selfish.

Has anyone got any advice? Has anyone else been in this position? A friend suggested putting a photo of me and baby in her house to remind her, but I think that would just drive my brother mad as every few minutes when she noticed it she would ask him who that baby was. It would be hidden in a drawer within an hour!

I'm sorry Ipp that must be really hard.

Is there any way you could just start off all your conversations by mentioning the baby?

I don't really have any experience with dementia but hopefully there will be someone along soon who can give you some better advice

I guess if she's genuinely incapable of remembering, through no fault of her own, then you're going to have to have a v hard think about how you deal with this. Does she have a consultant? Perhaps talk to them about how to deal with these aspects of her illness. And it's one thing if she leaves the cooker on and loses her keys, but much more distressing if it's your pregnancy

This is a shit analogy but it's like trying to play hopscotch with someone with no legs. You can't do it. It's imposdible. It's not their failing. It's just not possible. So you need to adapt and play something else.

That must be very difficult for you and your feelings are completely understandable.

Very sorry I don't have any advice though.

The thing is, she still won't remember, even with a photo, as he capacity for building new memories has gone.

Dementia is awful. It is so hard to have a conversation as the things you say, your news, does not register for long enough to maintain the discussion. Also the capacity for reaction and emotional response becomes impinged and so often it is frustrating as they can't react in the appropriate manner (or the way you would like them to.)

There is lots of help and support on the Alzheimer's Society site, and their chat facility, Talking Point. But it is upsetting, and can only get worse. My mum is better talking about things in her past, but new information is often glossed over as she can't process it. She asked me if my DS was my DH the other day, and how long we had been married, when I pointed out it was DS she said "oh yes, of course, how silly of me. " and we laughed about it. But even so, my DS is just a little boy in her mind, even though he is a grown man.

Seeing you with the baby would probably be lovely for her, but be prepared that she may not completely understand that it is your child, and may forget that she has even seen it after you leave. I'm afraid you have to adjust your expectations and just take any moments of lucidity and humour as they come. you will learn to have a conversation with her on the phone over time, but it will not be a conversation you might have been able to have a couple of years ago.

There are so many things I long to tell my mum, and have her reply in a supportive/emotional/understanding way. I now tell her something once, for my benefit really, but I know it doesn't sink in, and so then move onto familiar ground for her, which is easier and less distressing. It is sad.

Thanks for thoughts. Kali, you have reminded me that there is a dementia coordinator in mums's area whom I have met and who was very nice and competent so I could try giving her a call and asking her advice. Thanks for this!

I really do feel for you. My Mum had dementia, she died 15 years ago, & I know how very hard it is to cope with.

Chatting to the dementia coordinator will certainly help you but I'm afraid there isn't going to be a solution for you.

Downton - What a lovely post. So true & so sad.

Thanks downtown, so sorry to hear about you mum. It is sad. Dementia is awful. I guess this is hard for me as it is the first time it has really affected our relationship as it is the first time there is something new to build a relationship over. But as you say, we can't really. She will be pleased to see the baby, but she will definitely forget within 5 mins of us leaving the room. She will probably be very confused to hear him cry at night. It is sad. I guess it is really up to me to accept it makes me sad. I am worried about it upsetting her though as it will remind her she has a problem with her memory.

Sorry I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say sorry you are going through this. It must be very hard

Don't stop ringing her. I know its hard but one day you won't be able to do this and will regret not doing it more.
Don't fret about how she will respond to your DC in the future, a lot could change between now and then. Just be thankful you can still have fluent conversations and try to move them on to familiar ground, talk about things she does remember, hobbies she enjoys/used to enjoy, phone her at a set time then your brother can say something like 'Ipp3 is going to ring in 2 minutes like she always does, remembe mum she's having a baby ' that way its not always you doing it.

I work with people with demetia and families, the key is information and understanding. Speak with the dementia coordinator as you mention is the first step and read and try to understand what us happening to your mother. Talk to other families that live with it.

It must be very hard for you to keep having to deal with the loss of your mum sharing this special time with you.

There is a charity called the Contented Dementia Trust which uses something called the SPECAL method. It's a way of tuning in to the dementia sufferer's reality and not contradicting what they think is real. It makes life run more smoothly for everyone.

I'm not sure I've explained that very well.

It might be worth speaking to the charity, they may have some suggestions of ways to handle your situation.

Very hard for you.

Hi Ipp3 so sorry you have to deal with this. This is exactly the time you need to speak to your mum as your mum but, of course, you can't

My mum has dementia and she doesn't know who my DC are. Explaining who they are over and over was upsetting to her (and me) as she would forget 2 minutes later. No amount of reminding her makes a difference. The information is gone again in seconds.

I deal with it by going along with whatever "story" she has in her head at the time. She makes up a scenario that she can believe in most situations so I just go along with it.

If she asks me if I am looking after them for someone I tell her they are my friends DC etc.

It's no less upsetting for me but its much easier on her.

I hope you can find a way to deal with it and congratulations.

X posts MmeDefarge I didn't know that what I do has a name. Thank you. I will look it up.

DBro has a hard time going along with mums "stories" and argues with her constantly. He thinks I'm taking the easy way out. I will show him this.

Sorry for the little hijack.

A friend of mine was in a similar position and created a kind of photo timeline to go on the wall in her mum's house. It had her mum and dad's wedding photo, then pictures of her and her siblings from childhood right through to graduation photos, wedding photos, new baby photos and so on.

She tried to include as many photos as possible with her mum in as well, particularly pictures of days out with the grandchildren.

It might be worth a try, especially if you can include a picture of you with your bump showing!

Really good luck with your new arrival, hope you, your mum and your baby get to share some precious time together
x

Firstly - congratulations! How very exciting for you, and I am very sorry that your mum is not well enough to be as with you as you'd - both - like.

I don't have much experience of dementia, but I do of amnesia. I agree with talking to the dementia co-ordinator, who may well have seen this exact scenario before and have some great ideas. Have you got things like emory books for her - eg pics of significant people in her life, at significant times?

My thought is - as you know, the past becomes 'safer' as it's more reliable. So whilst she might not be able to remember on her own that there is a new baby, she might be able to talk to you about how you were as a baby, and abut other babies she's known... So that might be a way of a) you involving her, and b) making you feel like she's a part of your present?

Best wishes

Yes what mmedefarge says.

Conversing with a dementia sufferer is all about them and their reality. It is not really about you any more. There are ways to make the conversation easier on them but often, you get very little back from it.

Eg. Asking them questions- a normal conversation would be something like-
What did you do today?
What did you have for lunch?
How are you feeling? Etc.

Those sort of questions are not helpful as they require a response that needs thinking about. I just talk generally at mum and she steers the conversation back to whatever pops up in her mind. Quite often it's on a 30 second loop, where she reverts to her original thought, and so it starts again. We can go round and round like that for ages.

That is not easy for me, but I have learnt to go with it. Then when appropriate try to steer her away from it. It is helpful to have some " safe" subjects here to fall back on. It doesn't have to be relevant, just things you know it's easy for her to talk about, probably something in the past that she still has firm memories about, a house she lived in, a friend from the past, pets, her childhood, her career?

The thing is, you will not get what you want from the conversation. You will find everything is stuck at a point in time in her memory and any thing past that point will constantly be surprising and almost immediately forgotten. Mum believes she is 10 years younger than she is, sees me as someone in her 20s (20 years out!) she couldn't tell me my DCs names but can recall every child in the infant class she taught in the 1950s. She cannot remember my father, though they were married for 40 years so we can't/don't talk about him as she becomes distressed and confused.

You will find your way through and learn what works and a smile or laugh from her will be your reward.

Thanks so much everyone! Mum has had dementia for quite a while: it has been a very slow progression. I have learnt not to contradict or correct her as she becomes either very sad or very agitated and angry. I hadn't stopped to think that I could use this as a tactic when the baby is here, so thanks for that Lucky.

I have spoken with my brother about a memory book. He seems unkeen for some reason but I think it would be good for if she ever needs to go to a care home. I'm not sure about including photos of baby though as he will just be stranger to her. Still I think a memory photo book would be good idea overall.
Thanks mme for link to the contented dementia trust!

Hi ipp I'm so sorry, I know it must make you sad that your mum forgets your baby.
My dad has dementia and I don't think he knows who I am anymore (he might think I am my mum), let alone DD who was born shortly before he had to go into a home. However, he is always obviously pleased to see the baby and smiles and pulls faces at her etc. and the other patients at his care home also enjoy seeing DD. I would love it if he knew us but it is not going to happen now, but he still is happy to see us. We took pictures of him holding DD when she was newborn and stuck them up in his room, maybe he recognises her, who knows. Your mum will probably still love her grandchild even if she doesnt remember who's baby it is iyswim.

I've just completed some training around dementia, just about general awareness, and the advice about interacting with people was so helpful. For example don't try to bring the person back to the present, so if they are asking for a parent who is dead, don't tell them this as if they don't remember they won't remember, just say they aren't here now but I am. To tell them would just really upset them.

Maybe this works the other way so every time you tell your mum you are having a baby it's a really happy thing for her? I know that wouldn't help you with how hard things are. I do know my granny loved babies and even when it was towards the end of here life and she didn't know any if us when we took her great grandchild in her eyes still lit up.