How can I deal with finding my drunk DH repulsive?

[thedrunkardswife]

I have namechanged for this but am a regular poster.

I am currently 8 weeks pregnant and still feeling very sick a lot of the time. DH likes a drink at the weekend. He will drink a bottle of wine on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. To be honest, before I got pregnant we would polish off a couple of bottles between us although I was trying to cut down due to weight/finances. The problem is, now I am not drinking, I am finding him absolutely repulsive when he drinks - even before the point he gets drunk. The smell of it on his breath makes me heave which I can sort of forgive because I am very sensitive to smells when I'm pregnant, but also the way he behaves just disgusts me. I didn't particularly notice it if I was drinking but actually I recall now even before I was pregnant, if we were out somewhere and I drove so he was drinking, his pissed behaviour always irritated me.

It's nothing major but he slurs and becomes really argumentative - but of course he can't see that because he is drunk. He becomes forgetful and if I challenge something he says he becomes very confident in barking me down so while it is frustrating I try not to bother trying to communicate with him when he is drunk. I know this is all pretty standard drunk behaviour but it makes me feel so unattracted to him, and this is carrying over to when he is not drunk, too.

I can't be in the same bed as him if he's been drinking, mostly because of the smell (and also because the thought of being physically near him makes my skin crawl) so I take DS in with me and he goes in DS's bed - but even this makes me feel ill - I've just walked past it and DS's room stinks of a brewery and I just hate the idea of him soaking his boozy sweat and whatever else into DS's clean sheets so I will have to change them again (despite only changing them yesterday) when he is up.

Of course he gets hangovers (which he denies) so weekend mornings are a write-off and it really eats into the day. We don't tend to get out of the house until 2pm which means DS gets bored and I can't do anything (housework etc) because I am trying to entertain DS. We have been renovating the house and it's taking forever because between amusing DS and doing other household things on weekends, there is hardly any time left over if the day doesn't start until 2pm.

Last night he had a friend over (who is still asleep on our sofa after passing out drunk). This isn't a problem in itself but the pair of them got so wrecked on 3 bottles of wine and a bottle of whisky, I had to excuse myself because some of the things DH was coming out wit were making me feel sick - making 'jokes' about "going out on the pull to shag young girls" which I would be apoplectic about but I know it's all drunken bravado. I sat there thinking "what young girl do you think wants to shag a jibbering, slurring 33 year old man? I don't even want to and I'm married to him".

He is normally a great dad to DS and does his fair share around the house so no resentment issues there. It's just this drinking thing that pisses me off and makes me feel so unattracted to him that when he is sober I still see the drunken mess from the night before and it is really affecting how I feel about him generally as well as our sex life. After a long time TTC sex had become a little clinical but as I'm now pg I was excited about getting a bit more adventurous and spontaneous again. Having sex when he is drunk is a no-go anyway because of the smell/being unattracted to him but it is carrying over into when he is sober as well and I don't want him anywhere near me. :(

Please tell me I'm being a bitch and how to deal with this. At the moment I can't see myself staying with him until after the pregnancy but I know that is probably my hormones and it will pass. Still, I am finding it hard to rationalise. My reaction is possibly linked to my DM's alcoholism and how ugly and sickening I used to find her when she was drunk as a child/teenager. I don't know why it bothers me so much but I really need to know how to cope with it because it is making me feel sick.

He's drinking too much for his own health. Send him a link to this quiz and remind him he's not a carefree twenty something any more.
Of course you don't fancy him when he's pissed, but I wouldn't even bother discussing that with him. He's compromising his health - seriously - and opting out of family time through his self indulgence.

That amount of drinking and the hangovers eating up so much of the weekend would be very problematic for me, so I'm not going to tell you you are a bitch.

It sounds like you drank similarly when you weren't pregnant, do you think it's a temporary revulsion, or would you want to make permanent changes for both of you?

This cannot simply be a problem because of his drinking, there has to be more to it.

If you happily drink the same amount as he does when you are in your non pregnant state then you are being incredibly hypocritical in suddenly finding him 'repulsive' when he is doing exactly (what you both) always have done. If this is the case, then you need to tell him it's a problem and hopefully he'll modify his behaviour simply because he loves you. But he may see it as unreasonable on your behalf.

However, it looks to me as though you are picking on his behaviour because you have other problems in your relationship.

If it really is only the drinking then tell him. But I think you need to look deeper than that.

Your last couple of sentences were kind of thrown in at the end, but it would make absolute sense if that were the issue - especially now that you & he are parents - for the emotions you had about your mother's alcoholism to be resurfacing. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to talk that through?

That said - have you talked to him about this at all, you don't say if you have? When he's sober, and not hungover, obviously.

Just tell the man to stop drinking. No brainer.

"Please tell me I'm being a bitch"

Er, NO. Tell him to stop drinking or he can fuck off!

Hmm - I am pregnant and I find that DH has naturally modified how much he drinks because I am not drinking with him. So where we would have a bottle of wine over dinner, then maybe at the weekend open another one and sit chatting, he would now have maybe two glasses then we would go and watch a dvd and have cups of tea. I guess he doesn't find it enjoyable to get pissed on his own. It would worry me if he did tbh.

I do agree about the smell of booze when you're pregnant - it's not nice. Dh has been for a couple of nights out and I'd rather not sleep in the same bed when he gets back!

I think when you mention him slurring and being argumentative and forgetful, it rings alarm bells with me as that is exactly what my Dad was like all the time I was growing up. We just didn't bother engaging him in conversation after about 7pm. My DH is never like this - and that makes me think that your DH has a problem with alcohol. Plus it is clearly now affecting family life if he has a hangover every weekend. Before you were pregnant did you also get into such a state that you couldn't do anything with your DS till 2pm??

No you are not being a bitch at all and what you have tried and are trying is not working. Its not your hormones and it won't pass. You don't need alcohol like he does to function as a crutch and for all sorts of other reasons unlike him and he's probably always wondering where the next drink is going to come from. Alcohol is truly a cruel mistress. Its controlling him, not the other way around.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

It sounds to me like you've now with someone who is actually just like your mother is and was - a drunkard with your DS now being in the role that you were in when you were small. You learnt alcoholism from your childhood; its not altogether surprising that you went onto choose an alcoholic for a partner. Your son is already being affected by all this between you and soon you will have a second child to bring into all this dysfunction as well. This is dysfunctional and you're desparately trying to paper over the cracks.

Who buys the drink?.

You write that he is normally a good dad to your DS - well he clearly is not; many women often write such comments because they cannot themselves write anything at all positive about their man. And you have not. He is both a drunkard dad for your son and a drunkard husband to you.

Talking to Al-anon may well help you; you need outside support. How many people know that he has a drink problem, not many I daresay. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

Get off the merry go around that is alcoholism for your sake as well as your childrens. Is this really the environment you want yourself let alone your children to be growing up in?. You cannot help him but you can certainly help you.

Thinking about it, if we had a couple of bottles of wine between us on a Friday night, for example, I would never last past the first couple of (admittedly large) glasses as I tended to fall asleep I front of the TV due to tiredness! I am sure he probably didn't find that very attractive either. I did stop buying alcohol, though, in an attempt to save money and lose some weight. Before that I bought two bottles of wine on a Friday intended to last the weekend (a drink on Friday & Saturday night and with Sunday dinner) - is that excessive? Problem was, both bottles would be gone by Saturday (mostly drunk by him) and he also has whisky and gin in the drinks cabinet which he would have if we ran out of wine. I'm not saying I never got pissed - I might have a night out with friends 4 times a year and yes, I did get absolutely drunk and a bit silly and perhaps he found this unattractive but it wasn't often. Actually, if I go out he will still drink while looking after DS so I don't really do it anymore as I don't like the idea of him being pissed with DS and me not there to take charge if DS has a bad dream/is sick in the night/wants a (non-boozy) cuddle. He sometimes goes out and I don't like drinking at home on my own so would either be in bed when he got home or gave him a lift home and then went back to bed with DS.

I have always found him argumentative and annoying when drunk and wouldn't bother trying to engage with him as it was pointless, but never before have I felt such physical revulsion. I have told him the smell makes me feel sick and he says it's not a problem as he will sleep in DS's room but to be honest I find myself going to bed when DS does in order to avoid his stinky booze breath which is annoying.

I don't know how I can tell him it is making me find him unattractive. I don't want to upset him because he is lovely the rest of the time. I also don't relish the prospect of asking him to stop drinking, and I feel guilty for asking him to do so. I know he will become defensive and there will be an argument which I don't want.

I think I will try and say to him we have to cut down spending on drinking if we want to afford a holiday. I know he really wants a holiday this year so that might tempt him into stopping.

Thanks for your comments by the way, some food for thought.

Would you consider him to be an alcoholic?.

It sounds like you and by turn your DS tiptoe around him so as not to set him off; again like many such posts its mainly about the alcoholic.

There are a lot of red flags here re his drinking and it is affecting family life to its real detriment.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Where do you and DS, not just to say your unborn child, figure in all this now?. I think you seriously need to consider whether you and your DH actually have any future together at all. Telling him to stop drinking will have no effect whatsoever, he as well will likely deny and keep denying that he has any sort of drink problem. Denial is a powerful force.

Yes Attila is right (as always) - you are having to curtail your social life as you don't feel happy to leave him in sole charge of your child, that is not a normal family life. You go to bed at the same time as your DS so you don't have to spend the evening with your husband

I grew up with an alcoholic parent (as did you) and I honestly don't know if I'd leave an alcoholic partner as I would probably accept it as my mother does - when I am at my parent's home I fall back into those patterns (covering up, excusing behaviour etc) because it's how I grew up. I just thank my lucky stars that I didn't marry an addict (although I have been in a long term relationship with one in my 20s so feel I only just dodged that bullet!)

From my perspective the repulsion never went away. Dont get me wrong, Ive not joined The Temprance Movement, but since having DS 3.5 years ago DPs drinking does nothing but aggrivate me. To the point Ive asked him to find somewhere else to stay.

He's argumentative, weekends are lost, and its a total waste of money which he cannot afford.

Your thread title says how can you deal with him. You shouldn't have to, he should take responsibility. If he can't stop or cut down on the booze then he has a real problem.
Why on earth would you be a bitch?
I think posdibly you have been repressing a lot of feelings re your mother and maybe now you see the same patterns emerging in your husband and you are reacting strongly. Being pregnant has maybe given you the trigger to let your feelings out?
Not an expert though so maybe off track here but either way you can't carry on like this he needs to give up the drink!

Thanks you for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences. Drinking didn't used to be a problem for us - before DS we would party and have a lot of fun and there was a lot of drink involved and I never felt like this then. Maybe it's just that being pissed off about the booze eating into our family time manifests as physical revulsion. When I was pregnant with DS he didn't drink so much, but after DS was born we gradually both began drinking more, I think to deal with several stressful situations we have been through over the last 3 years. It just became normalised. Also, his family drink a lot, they are from the Mediterranean and it is just in their culture but personally I feel they drink too much - they handle it well and it is always 'happy' drinking but it can't be good for them. I think this is why I just accepted it and for a while became sucked into it - they are very different from my family, they are close and happy and successful, my family aren't and I think drinking was glamourised for me a bit with them in the early days. Also, his dad, who he hates is an alcoholic, and he reminds me of his dad so much when he's drunk. I guess I have to find a way of tactfully expressing that to him.

Anyway I am going off on a tangent, I'm just trying to get my thoughts clear as much as anything.

I spoke to DH not long ago and breezily said "oh you and drank a lot last night didn't you! I think we're going to need to stop buying drink if we want to go to Italy this year..." (his friend is still here by the way) and he said, yeah, you're right, I agree, so perhaps there is hope, I just felt so angry and repulsed this morning when I posted after the booze wafting out of my DS's room made my stomach turn and I had done everything last night from putting DS to bed, making dinner, walking the dog and plastering on a smile because we were in company.

When I say he is a great dad and great around the house, I really mean it. He is fantastic in a lot of ways, he is patient and fun and loving. The comments about "shagging young girls" I think were a misguided attempt at humour - his friend's wife is out of the country so it was a bit of an effort to cheer him up I think, he doesn't remember saying those things this morning. I think I just need to take control of the situation. I do control the finances and to be honest I haven't stopped him buying booze that far but I do think, in light of our exchange this morning, he may well be able to stop. He once gave up coffee for a month (he normally drinks several cups a day) and he wasn't unbearable to live with, and he was pleased that he was able to do that, so perhaps if we approach it in that way (like a bit of a challenge) and he starts to feel the benefits to his health and his family life things will really change for the better. He isn't bad at all, I think we've both just gotten lazy and haven't really tried to change anything drastically.

Thank you for letting me sound off and helping to get things clear in my mind. If it spirals I will have no hesitation in leaving, I do not want my DCs to experience what he and I did growing up with our father and mother respectively, and I know that he doesn't either, which is why I think we can work this out.

I was married to a man who had an alcoholic father and a culture within the family that the answer to everything from stress to celebration was alcohol. When we first met at uni it was in an environment where everyone was drinking so it didn't stand out. As we got older, got jobs, got more responsibilities, had to get up in the morning etc... my drinking tailed off out of necessity and his carried on unchanged. A bottle of wine most nights and then hitting the scotch.

There's nothing worse than being the sober responsible one in a room full of boring drunks... or even a house full of one drunk. I think that's where you are now and your pregnancy is just throwing the contrast into sharp relief.

I wouldn't wait for it to 'spiral'. My ex (because that's how it ended) finished up turning his car over one night and being banned for drunk driving. Could have killed someone. And yet he probably thinks to this day that he doesn't have a problem

Your whole body and mind are telling you that you don't want this person, behaving this way, in your life.

I have been through very similar when pregnant - I thought we were Ok when he was sober but the times he was drunk were carrying over into how I felt about him all the time.

That's because when someone is behaving like this, they are checking out - they're not with you. They are alone with their drunkenness, and you're invisible to them. You may as well not be there. And he is choosing to do this to you.
You're losing your security and trust in him, because he's making that happen - you're losing respect for him because he is showing none for you.

This trips a switch quite often in a relationship and the sexual desire turns off completely.

It isn't your fault he's unattractive to you now. It's his fault. I'd be ignoring the drinking and looking at why he's choosing to check out at these times, by the way my parents weren't alcoholics and didn't drink, but I still find it repulsive when someone is drinking like this.

Sorry you're in this position - I was pregnant too, and it was bloody hard deciding to end the relationship but it was actually already sunk. My feelings had gone.

Good luck xx

I stopped drinking when i got pregnant with DS1 5 years ago, i do wonder if subconsiusly (no idea how to spell that) it was because i grew up with an alcoholic parent, i havent drank since.

DP however was a big drinker and i absolutley hated it once id stopped drinking, it was every weekend and some week night depending on his shifts. I hated him when he was sat there drunk talking shit, i just could not be bothered with it. Like you our weekends where wasted because he would stay in bed til dinner time hung over.

Then last year he quit smoking, and suddenly his drinking just decreased, he went for a whole month without drink and said that he felt great going to bed at a decent time, waking up feeling fresh instead of feeling like shit, getting up at a decent time and getting stuff done.

Now he rarely drinks, and sometimes he buya alcohol free larger or very low % larger. Its so much better.

Maybe if your DP gave up for a while he could also see how much healthier he feels?

The only advice I have is don't pussyfoot about the issue! Tell him straight otherwise he may not get it, or he may say you didn't say it so how was he to know eye. Own your anger, why not?

Eating into weekends is not on and when you have a baby and your ds it will really bother you. Get him to read the AA website and do the questionnaire thing on "if you think you have a problem with drinking"

Also, I wouldn't hang about waiting for him to get up- that's not good for your ds to think its ok to wait about for him. I understand that you might feel like a single mum at the park or football or whatever activity you choose.

He sounds like his has got a habit of drinking and a habit of thinking of weekends are "me" time. If he's a good dad he will be up with your ds and giving you chance to rest. Tell him so, or really, you probably feel better off on your own. it not much to look forward to, is it? And yes, my df was an alcoholic and yes, I have had the same conversation above with my dh. However I mean what I say so he listened:)

How did this end op?

My partner is a very heavy drinker and has been for 30years. It's got worse, 3 bottles of jack Daniels and 7 bottles cider in 4 days. He's a type 2 diabetic. I'm really finding him repulsive. He gets so drunk he passes out, weeks over the toilet and on the floor, says horrible things to me and my son. . When I question him what he said to me the next day, he just says, I don't remember I was pissed right up and just laughs. I don't even get an apology. My thoughts now are of wanting him to have severe health issues or death so I can I live my life. He's a sociopath so I have no friends . I also have nowhere to go if I left. Am I wrong to have these awful thoughts, Id feel so guilty if anything happened. I can't understand how he can drink excessively for 30years with no issues. Everything is high. High enzymes, high blood pressure, high blood sugar, fatty liver, type 2 diabetic. He's a walking cardiac arrest but seems so healthy. Does anyone know if there would be any unaware issues or how long he can go on like this. I'm concerned but also pissed off and lonely. Thank you

Hi @Karatebabe you'll probably get more/better answers if you start a new thread - people'll probably just read the original post and answer that, and not see yours.

It sounds like yours is a very unhappy, abusive relationship - have you thought about contacting Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services to help you? It's possible a refuge might be suitable for you and your son?

You're not awful for having these thoughts, but obviously the wait for fate and liver disease to intervene could be a long one. You don't want to spend your son's childhood and your own life waiting for that if you can possibly find your way out.

No no no your not a bitch
I have had 35 years of this week in week out binge drinking hubby who goes out fri sat Sunday says it’s for a couple
cones home leathered then repeats the same sentence for over an hour till I snap
then he bangs his way to bed
then is up and down all night at the toilet
next day has the ordasity to get up as if nothing happened
it will get much worse and the money they spend they lie about they become a hindrance a person whom you don’t recognise
I wish I’d never set eyes on my hubby
my life has been one big embarrassment caused by him
i am hoping he chokes one day as I personally could never forgive or forget his choices
he married me then chose to lie manipulate and embarrass me and after 35 years he still is
I won’t move out as he will lose our home
I am patiently waiting to find him dead one day then I will get my life back

That's definitely not normal drunk behavior, sounds awful.