How long has it taken you to get over a 'relationship'?

[NotShakinTheBluesAwayAtAll]

I've put relationship in inverted commas as in my case it was never physical, but it was more than a friendship IYSWIM.

It's been six months since he started going out with his girlfriend and now we hardly speak, or only as much as not particularly good friends would. I'm really pleased for him, she's lovely and it's nice to see him so happy.

But there's bits of me that aren't so logical. Whenever I see I have a message on Facebook, part of me automatically goes "Is it X?" and I still catch myself thinking, "I'll have to tell X about that". I also feel ridiculously upset if I see him and he doesn't smile at me- he always used to come over and say hello and maybe give me a hug.

Now obviously I know I can't expect those things now he has a girlfriend, but how long will it take before it stops bothering me? It's not a conscious thing, so I don't know how to stop it!

Have you ever had anything similar, and how long before it didn't matter to you?

I think they say half as long as the relationship went on for so if 2 years it's a year to get over it, not great news for me I was with him 12 years.
One day you'll be on the bus, sat in the canteen, reading a magazine and you'll realise it's been weeks since you thought of x and that's when you know you've healed. Takes time xxx

Thank you Mosman.

I'm glad to know it can take a while- any of the friends I've mentioned it to think I'm daft, they seem to be quite happy going out with somebody, splitting and dating somebody else a few weeks/months later. But then I remember one said that X and I knew each other better than she knew her boyfriend (!), so I suppose it's a different type of relationship.

I suppose it's easier for him than me, because he's sort of 'replaced' me with his girlfriend whereas I don't have anybody similar to him.

I hope it's beginning to get a little easier for you, twelve years is a long time

I'm in a similar situation, fell crazily in love with a guy that for too many reasons (not marriages or anything like that) to go into I couldn't be with. We both accepted this but became incredibly close occasionally wandering into 'what if' territory. We 'talked' every day via fb or texts and always shared news, ups and downs etc with each other first.

I have learned just in the last couple of days that he has started dating and on a friendship level I am thrilled for him - I want him to be happy and loved, but I also feel that my heart is breaking and I want to know everything and nothing about her. I am behaving like a teenager staring morosely at my phone and hanging around on fb and trying to read into it how well it is/isn't going.

I just wonder if there will EVER be a day when I climb into bed at night and realise that I haven't thought about him once all day. I do hope so because it is unutterably painful. I am going to hold onto that 'half the amount of time' analogy. Six months for me :(

I'm in a similar position - six months on from a month long fling - and it felt so intense - I still think of him everyday. I shouldn't think of him, but I do

Well I'm 2.5 years on from a 3-year, very intense relationship and it's only in the last 3 months that reading/hearing/thinking about him hasn't hurt like hell. I still think about him every single day, but once or twice now rather than every waking moment.

Time does heal, you just need to give time time.

Well. I'm 4 months on from an intense 6 month relationship. I'm getting better at recognising he wasn't good enough for me.

But - he chose someone else. The pain and bitterness from that is taking far longer to fade. To the extent that even this long later I am still savagely tempted to contact her and tell her what he's really like. He was cheating on her with me.

It depends on circumstances and how closely involved your independence and self esteem were with the whole situation.

Not very helpful sorry. All i can do is sympathise.

Not the same but similar-ish...I "broke up" with my closest female friend 10 years ago after the falling out to end all fallings out and I'd say it took me a good 6 months to get to the stage that mosman mentioned - one day it really did dawn on me that I'd stopped hoping it was my former friend every time I got a text, email or phone call. And that was a real turning point! I'd been so miserable and from that point it got easier. Now I do still think of her every now and then, with fondness - there was never going to be any going back from the falling out but now it's just happy memories of a friend I once had.

So in essence, you will start to feel better, honest!

I was with XP for 3 years, I left him 4 years ago, I had to.

I still think about him daily and although I would totally deny it, I am absolutely no where near over him.

I look forward to the day that I can truthfully tell myself I am.

It can take a while, best thing is to move on in your head and your emotions will eventually follow.

Interesting you should say that, CO, I was thinking that the heart takes longer than the head to come to terms with things - it's often a 'head' decision to end things, but the heart aches for ages. Just need to keep reminding ourselves of why it ended, until the heart catches up! OP, did you perhaps have a secret hope that your relationship with your friend would develop into something more?

I think they say half as long as the relationship went on for

Really ? That's just made my fecking day, that has. Not only do I have to endure crap from my exH still, 4+ years after ending our 16 year relationship, you're telling me he's possibly going to continue for another 4 before he's over it

That's the thing Walk, I don't think I did. I was quite happy with how we were and would have carried on like that.

The closest way to the way we were is how I am with my DSis if that makes sense. Little texts and messages between us most days, with bits of news, what we were doing, asking how xxx went etc. But I can see how it would be too much for a gf/bf to put up with if you're not family or have known each other since you were tiny though.

I think he just fell in love- we'd been talking to each other nearly every day (texts and Facebook mostly), and then he went on holiday for three weeks with a group of friends including this girl,and when he came back his messages were much more distant (they were only replies to mine, rather than anything new) and I did think it was a bit strange, but I knew I'd see him in person the next week (friend's birthday) so didn't bother too much. When I saw him he only said hello when I went over to him and didn't leave her side all night.

So it's something like this:

HEAD: They're very happy together, I'm surplus to requirements. And even if he does miss me a little bit, it would be awkward to try and explain now so it's easier to just get on with it.

HEART: I didn't do anything, we went from very close to barely speaking very quickly and I miss him.

I'm not telling you anything dondon3
Everyone is different but can I imagine it being 6 years before I don't think oh I wonder what exdh would say to that, exdh would love this. Yeah I can, marriage for that length of time isn't going to be an over night process to get over but already for me, just 5 weeks in I can't get turned on by him when he tries to touch me so that's good right ?
Baby steps as they say.

In answer to your question about how long it takes to get over someone, I think it depends on many factors.

For example: if you meet someone new, you tend to think of your ex a lot less.
If you have a very busy work and home life then sometimes you haven't got time to dwell on them etc.

Some of my relationship have taken 18 months to get over, some have taken afew months and some have taken afew years. It all depends how close I was to them, how hurt I was over the split, and if the split was expected or if I never got any answers as to why we split.

Sometimes if you don't get the answers that you need to move on, then it's very hard to close that door.