Am I a mega bitch???

[giftwrappedkittycat]

Back story is: Both myself and DH dont really like SIL's partner. We have only met him a handful of times but each time 4yo DD has been encouraged by SIL and MIL to go to him, give him a kiss, snuggle under his blanket (she didnt), wanted to babysit after we'd met him for only the 2nd time!! MIL took DD to his house when she was babysitting without telling us too! It may be purely innocent and he's just trying too hard to get us on side but my gut feeling tells me somethings just not right! We just dont trust him!!

So anyway DH has now had a word with his DM to effectively tell her to back off about this man and stop mentioning him to DD. It's obvious it has come from me because these things occur when DH is at work. So now I just feel awkward and bad that we've probably hurt MIL's feelings. She is probably just trying to make SIL's partner feel welcome in the family. Or do you think we're right to make her aware of our feelings?

Hi OP, you are not a mega bitch, you're being a great mum. You have acted on your gut instinct about someone and protected your DC from potential danger. That is to be commended, well done you!

Why does your dmil keep pushing your dd to have such intimate physical contact with this stranger? I find that really very weird in itself!

Your mil may be a bit off for a while, but that is much more preferable than your dd being made to snuggle under a blanket with a strange man.

She'll come round, and if she doesn't then she's obviously not to be trusted to protect dd from potentially harmful situations with strangers.

Blanket ? What was he doing under a blanket ? In what context ?

If you aren't comfortable with it, of course have you have to say/do something. What was MIL'S response?

could it be that SIL wants a baby, and so MIL and SIL are doing this to get the man interested in having children?

There are a thousand ways of making him feel like art of the family without using DD as a token.

Even if it is innocent, it is not her role. They can have dinner, tea, walks, theatre, cinema, museum visits, political debate, pick up a hobbie... There must be something this man is interested in other than little children.

I understand that you feel self conscious, but if being part of your family also means going along with your views as a parent.

You can always say that it is not about him, but about your DD. She is learnng about boundaries and what she learns now within her family, e.g. respect of her, her body and her desire not to be touched, will lay the foundations for her boundaries to people in the wider world.

The blanket thing came from when he decided to have a lie down on the couch (which we also found odd!)

Thanks for all your replies though. Perhaps it's best our thoughts are in the open. We probably are unfairly labelling him and its likely he doesnt have sinister motives but where my DD is concerned, I'd rather be safe than sorry and will protect her no matter what!

So, all the family dance attendance on this man while he lies under a blanket on the couch ?

And then your mother insists on installing your little daughter under there with him in plain sight, while you all sit around sipping tea and making idle chit-chat ?

most odd

Sorry if I was ot clear. I agree with your stance and was thinking of ways for you to withstand MIL or SIl reaction if negative.

Good luck.

I'd let my child nowhere near him either if I were you OP. I'd also state why to all and sundry.

The man is a creep, which is putting it midly.

mildly of course.

You are definitely not a mega bitch, as parents this is absolutely your call and your MIL / SIL have no right to make you feel guilty about it. I agree with Frequents idea of 'smoothing' it over so long as they understand that what you say goes. It is always easier (not the right word but I cannot find it right now) to relax it later on if you feel happier rather than regret not being as vigilent as you think you should be.

On the other hand, as someone trying to get to know a family, whilst I may play with OH child relatives, I would still maintain a boundary, going under a blanket in that situation would be well outside that boundary. I'm female, whilst the majority of abusers are male, I wouldn't want anyone to be uncomfortable and that would be a level of closeness too much at that stage in the relationship. It feels weird reading your OP, I don't think that I have expressed myself very well, follow your instincts, your DD as Frequent has said is not a token.

sorry. weird. you're right listening to your gut instinct. as you know, you're gonna protect DD. blankets? erm no. i don't think so.

The blanket thing is very weird. Do you think he lay down for a rest with the blanket to engineer the situation? Because it sounds like such an odd thing to do in the (presumably) day time when there are guests around.

No you are not a mega-bitch. In the black-or-white world of some view finders, having to choose between a doormat or bitch, this circumstance is a slam dunk for going bitch. Just saying. Your dd is lucky to have an astute and tuned in mom.

No blankets, and I'd say no to the babysitting as well, even if sil will be there with them. Don't apologize for making your boundaries. And yes, speak up on this one: people can't read your mind and if you don't say anything, it'll be assumed you are in compliance. (Absence of "no" = yes.)

If mil wants to make him feel welcome, she can cuddle under the blankie with him herself! Ha!

It is strange.

The blanket thing sounds weird and unsettling so keep your child safe from this man