How do I support SAHD DH?

[HenriettaChicken]

So DH and I have, generally, a lovely marriage. We also have a beautiful DS who is approaching his first birthday. Because of the cost of child care, DH has recently left his job to become SAHD, and I've been back at work, FT for about a month.

He enjoys his time with DS but finds it exhausting. He also has little social life as our idea of heaven has always been the 2 of us, bottle of wine and a bluray.

But now I'm worried about him. He flies off the handle at everything, sometimes he goes the whole day without leaving the house (other days he has baby groups or may go to the supermarket).

I worry that we spend all our downtime together. He has the opportunity to go out on a rare boys night tomorrow but got a bit upset when I said it would be good for us. He wants the lads to come to ours so I'm included. I'd quite like some me time: maybe a bath and early night, or the chance to watch my favourite tv show, which he hates! (I feel guilty admitting that!)

Any suggestions? We don't have loads of money so nothing pricey...

I want to sort this before it gets worse. He is such a good man and I want to help...

You need to make the space for an honest conversation. Find out how he's really feeling about this relatively new decision. It's not acceptable for him to be losing his temper at the slightest thing, so don't let that one go. If he's regretting leaving his job, not adjusting, if he thinks he's made a mistake, if it would be better all round to raid the savings and pay for a nursery.... then you have to be honest with each other rather. If, at any level, he feels he's in a 'made your bed and lie in it' situation and can't back out then it won't do you or him any good. Personally, I couldn't be home all day with a small child...

what was his job and could he go back? even if it costs so much for childcare it beneficial in long run as when child is four and in school - or three and gettigng fifteen hours free nursery - it will beworth it having kept the job and benefits such as paying NI, pension benefits etc

some people arent cut out to be SAHP. if he isnt into it and isnt prepared to put the effort into making it work for him, then better cut your losses, pay for chidlcare and send him back to work. even if it costs him all his salary for childcare, if it suits him to work outf of the home and he will be happier then you should agree this is way forward. two three years time child costs will be less it will be good investment

Some people arent cut out to be SAHP

This.

My DH is SAHP. He is very sociable though so he was often with other SAHPs at play groups / coffee mornings etc. so he got a good dose of adult company even if it was mainly dominated by talk of weaning or nappies or sore nipples.

If he'd had a difficult day he would go out as soon as I got home, e.g. take the dog for a walk and have a peaceful pint before coming home, or go for a swim at a local hotel pool.

TBH I hardly ever got me time, I was either at work or with the family. I think I could count on one hand the number of times I was alone in my own house in the first few years. Definitely no relaxing in the bath or hogging the remote.

I agree with both of the above, but also wanted to ask whether you tell him you appreciate him, notice that he's doing a good job etc? I've been a SAHM for 5 years and have three kids and it is the highlight of my week if my DH compliments me on my "work". Being at home with small children is mostly thankless and it can feel like you never achieve anything - try not to say he didn't get out of the house (sometimes that's actually really quite hard!) and notice the good things he's doing and how important a job he is doing for you, your son, your family. Might not be the answer but I wanted to put it out there. The most important thing is that you have an honest discussion about how he's feeling ASAP.

Thank you all for your posts.

In answer to your questions, his job was termly contract lecturing work and so poorly paid it would only cover part of child care. We'd lose money. ...and the last of the savings were eaten up by mat leave.

I do tell DH how much I appreciate what he does -not just child care but meals, washing & shopping too. I'm very lucky. But yes, sometimes I can be grumpy too.

Me time - yes I know not to expect it! I use the 90 minute commute to lose myself in a book, which saves my sanity, but DH doesn't have that.

He has a bit of time when I am feeding DS at night (now!)

As for it not being ok to shout: he knows that. He apologised for it and said he was so sorry to have upset me. I know he means it. But he's not as convinced as I am that it's to do with being SAHD. I really think it is...

Well his friends are coming over tonight, which is good - even though I think the change of scene at pub would help. Maybe it's just a time of adjustment. I don't know.

We'll keep talking. I hope he's ok.

How old is your DS? Have you and your DH discussed the long-term? What is the plan once your DS is older?

Even if you cant afford it now, is there an opportunity for your DH to consider retraining, taking further courses or look at doing something like tutoring?

In your shoes I would be careful about insisting that a change of scene is what he needs. If he doesnt want to go to the pub then he doesnt have to!

Yeah I don't want to be a nag; your right. Thinking about it there have been occasions when he's suggested inviting the neighbours for dinner and I've been too tired (for example). I like fair warning before being 'invaded'! I'm going to make a conscious effort to be more encouraging and supportive when he makes last minute suggestions.

Can't believe I only just thought of that.

Retraining? Well he's approaching 40 and has a PhD. But jobs are scarce. If he gets a job I'll cut hours: that's what we'd like.

DH is also going to look at starting up more lecturing when we get our 15 hours.

It's lonely being a SAHP in my opionion. And the work isn't obviously rewarded. What about making sure he gets out as some time eg to the gym or something through the week using a babysitter or getting together with another SAHP and sharing childminding. Or can he fit in something enjoyable when DS is asleep or in front of tv eg writing.

I'm surprised he doesn't want to go out, that was what I would have wanted to do.

Did he enjoy the work, does he enjoy his subject ? Can he proof journals or something? Going from a "thinking" job to baby talk...hmmm... Can he mark papers for exams or something ? Use local crèches or university crèche ? Use local leisure centre if they have a creche ?

My DH was a SAHP parent from when our 3 DCs were 4, 1 and 4 weeks old. It was hard work to start with and then we moved abroad which made it even harder.

When we moved back to the UK he retrained into a trade as the industry he had started in had died.

Could your DH look at doing some post-doctoral research? Is there another subject which he could explore?

Dh is a sahd. And yes, it's hard for him sometimes. I leave at 7:15 and don't get back until close to 8. And while I work hard etc, at least I get adult conversation, can choose to take five minutes out to.

We made the decision to send ds to a child minder for 10 hours a week to give dh a break during the week. This also means that he is happy to let me have a little down time on the weekends too. It's an Added expense, but worth it.

Another thing I do to try make things easier is I get up early enough that I can get ready for work and still have time to give dh a cup of coffee when ds wakes up which he drinks while I get ds up and give him his milk. It's a small thing but dh really appreciates that his working day doesn't start at 7 am as soon as ds wakes up. I have a very hectic hour before I leave for work , but then I get my hour commute to just stare out the window or whatever, drooling to myself.

If you can convince dh to get out in the evenings once you are home, that helps a lot. Dh goes running three times a week, twice during the week after I get home. So even though he also is t hugely excited about random social events, he does get out.

Being a sahp is hard. I think the working parent has to give a lot of support.

Watching this post with interest as my dp is a sahd with our 18 mo ds. He enjoys not having the stress of work but at the same time he can get v frustrated with the whole thing. He's from a foreign country so no family around and has only 1 or 2 friends who he sees once a month max. I'm v conscious that its v isolating for him and boring and lonely etc. of course it's not all bad!! But I do feel guilty sometimes as I've an interesting job and really like all the people I work with... So when I come home and the only adult he has spoken with is me on the phone earlier I can understand why he's in a grump! He does tend to fly off the handle but I usually just let it go and leave him alone for a while as I know I'd be the same.

Thing is, I would adore to be a sahm so I hate hearing him complain I just think oh god you are so lucky I wish you had the big job and I was at home bringing up baby!!!!!

Thanks. I think it'll be easier for him when the weather's better (snowing as I type!) I wonder if a post doc would work for him. Maybe worth a suggestion.

He's been much better today: he had a lie in till 9 and I got up at 6 with DS. Then we went out for lunch and the theatre just the 2 of us! I think both our batteries are quite recharged now... But by the end of the week we are both so tired it's easy to lose perspective.