Help me sort my head out please

[Hopingforno2]

Ok so been with my partner almost 7 years we were both fairly young and footloose now we have a home an almost 5 year old ds and a baby arriving in 4 weeks.

I have issues with him not helping out around the house but this is nothing new! Whats playing on my mind just now is our finances which may sound silly but really really worry me, apologies in advance as this may get to be a ramble. Im now on mat leave so my wages will drop soon and i only work part time to look after ds oh works full time long hours. I worked out our money so that basically most of his wages pay household bills and debts and we live off my wage (the only reason ive kept my acc open is so i know what we have each month) so anyway my oh ccard statement arrives today and is higher than id thought he put it straight in the bin and im ashamed to say i retrieved it as ive been feeling super paranoid about money for the last cpl months now there has been a few trans that i dont know what he has bought i asked about one and he said he paid a parking fine for work but got the money back but offered no explanation for what he spent it on! Also just seen another one that i dont know what its for so should i/do i have the right to ask what he bought/where the money is going? Am a little afraid to do so as it will likely end up in an argument but im just trying to not have us in debt and am fairly annoyed that he has been putting things on it instead of discussing making these purchases with me to see of we could make them out what very little we have to spare or am i being a bitch? Things like using it ti make £3-4 purchases and lifting money with it are grinding on me totally and i feel like i need to say something. I have alredy said im unhappy and he agreed i could take the card and put it away so he doesnt have it on him on a day to day basis which is something but its annoying me what the hell he bought/spent the cash given back on.
Im finding im getting to the point where im actually thinking why do i bother do i still want to be with him at all as i feel all i ever do is worry about money and do all the housework while he sits about when in from work and buys stuff/uses money without a thought obv being pregnant and hormonal is not helping!! Even if i was sure i wanted to leave how could i! I wouldnt want to do that to my ds or baby on the way id be so scared about losing custody of them and/or hate seeing them for only half the week plus how would i survive also while i know my parents would be great i wouldnt want to put that stress on them my mum had a heart attack last year and they are trying to help my dsis thro post natal depression right now too.

If you made it through this post thanks feel like a metal case right now

Sorry to drip feed but in the end i asked him while he was getting ready for work what the unknown purchases were so at least i now know, he says he feels like he works long hours and gets nothing which i can understand i feel the same execpt most of my hours are spent doing housework or looking after our ds,but the only reason i budget and try to restrict spending not just for him but me too is to try and clear us of debt! He doesnt get that i feel trapped by it and he feels its not a problem as we put money in every month but i dont want to be paying debt off forever! Also he feels like he is not trusted with money, in a way he is right as i know he will spend without thinking and thats just not feasible for us right now so i do take control, am i a horrible witch? It worries me and the only way i can cope is by limiting spending to what is neccessary with the odd family day out and if we stick to a budget (touch wood and fingers xd nothing else puts us in more debt) could be free from a fair bit of our debt in around 6 months. Just feeling so down about it all just now

I'm sure some better advisors will be along soon, Hoping, I didn't want you to be left so I will offer you a hug{}. It is rotten to be pregnant and so stressed.
As a mum of 4 can I say that your mum loves you both and your sisters PND is not more important to her than your relationship problems, confide in her and let her help as much as possible, your LO will grow fast and you will not be "imposing" on her forever.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all but suppose you were....my OH says of pregnant women"if she wants to paint the house purple, let her". In other words, you get to be unreasonable for a bit and your DH should be accommodating that even if he thinks his way is better.

Of course really he knows it is not and is just being lazy and selfish and monumentally short sighted. What is good is that he has communicated with you clearly about his feelings. He needs to feel trusted about money and he needs to get a material reward for his hard work, he can't feel that from invisible " debt paid off". I can't think right now of a strategy but it looks workable, rather than ultimatum time.

I don't think you taking control will work, finances is a job you both need to be able to do, trust each other and discuss openly. It will only stress you more.Keep talking to him, maybe get a Financial Advisor to lay it out for him professionally. Ask him how he is going to manage savings/pension/mortgage repayment/debts. How would he run the family budget and what would have to go to provide his little treats?

BTW if it comes to the crunch you should always be prepared to walk. You don't need to worry how, just now, but don't be too scared to. It would work out.

You aware getting into a classic "parent" (you) - "child" (him) relationship. You need to treat him like an adult and he will then start acting like one. Discuss budgeting with him, but in your budget give him the space to spend a bit of money without being interrogated by you.
You sound a bit overly-anxious about money, TBH. Do you have excessive debts? If just the usual mortgage, etc, then I think you may need to address your own issues regarding perception of money, security, etc. Did you come from a background where there wasn't enough money? Except for the fairly typical male failure to share housework issue, your DH sounds a decent sort, hard-working, etc & his "mad money" sounds pretty minor, not gambling or women. It is good your focused on financial security, but you have years to build up nest egg. I think perspective is needed.

You don't say where the original debt came from. If he ran it all up then you have a point about him spending while you cut back to pay off his mess.

If it is not his debt I think you need to relax a little. You say you will clear a bulk of it in 6 months. If it takes you 12 months and you have a more relaxed easy life wouldn't that be better.

Working to just pay off the debt asap is a nice idea but if it puts strain and resentment on your relationship is it worth it.

Perhaps revisit your budget to see if you can relax it a little so you both can have a few cheap treats.

Thanks i do need to get my anxiety about it under control and would say this has gotten worse the closer my due date comes. the debts are on top of rent etc paying off ccards loans etc but take up a significant amount of money every month. I never felt i didnt have enough growing up but we never had lots either and my parents gave me a happy home. I dont want to be in control forever when/if we get our feer clear im happy to let go but as it is me who does things like look for best deal on household bills etc its not something i can ignore. I have tried writing it all down but he usually isnt overly interested and is always laid back about it which i cant understand tho his mum is the same and in debt up to her eyeballs!

If his Mum is like it then I doubt he has much of a clue about money. And has no interest in how it works.
However I think little purchases of a few quid are not worth getting into a state about unless they are mounting up hugely - pick your battles. I wouldn't want to have to get permission every time I wanted to buy a sandwich or a magazine or whatever he might be doing with it.

I do get that not all of them are big spends but doing them on a ccard just seems to me like lunacy as this is how one of out debts started in the 1st place just bits here and there and before we knew it it was huge and had to get it on to an interest free card which is now abround 6 months from being paid off but will have taken almost 2 years to do and it scares me that it happens again it will take us the 6 months to pay off what is currently on it at least. Despite what he thinks we dont have lots of cash to spare once all bills, debts, fuel, food etc are taken into account i wish there was id like to just spend without worrying but its just not possible at the moment, if we had to replace anything big and when wen we have to put tyres on the car etc its likely to be a struggle without going in to more debt and while there is obv the element of chance and we may not have to do these things im just the sort of person who plans ahead and i doubt i can change that

Could he arrange the kind of direct debit that pays his ccard off in full every month so that it doesn't rack up? He's probably just using it out of convenience and habit. We have a card that we use like this.

I sympathise as I also got very anxious about debts and money and definitely felt I had to take some control and be the driving force behind a plan. I agree he needs some disposable income that has no strings attached - it just shouldn't become a source of debt and that's the problem with using a ccard for casual spending.

I def have to be the driving force or it would just be left to build up, im trying to get it so the ccards we r in debt to get paid off then we keep only 1 and only use this for online purchases if we get to there then yes there will be disposable money he is more than welcome to but in the short term there isnt much and what there is we spend taking ds out as a family on his days off if that makes sense.

Hi, I just had similar but not exactly the same sort of conversation with my dh. He's ok with the tightened budget - mainly because of mortgage, baby and my SMP.

What I understand is that even he perfectly agrees with the idea, but he also feels depressed that after working hard days after days, time just disappears in a blink. He barely has any time to have any leisures or feel happy. A little luxury sometime could help ease up the pressure and makes going forward a bit easier. Even though, it's not the way I face the same situation, but I know if he feels so, I'd respect his feeling as long as it's reasonable.

So we agree that we would set the monthly budget more detailed so that we can monitor it even more closely, at the same time set some budget aside just for entertainment or little extra luxury. Not sure if it would work yet, as we need to work on the budget details first. But all in all, we have to find a way, as we want the we are standing on the same ground to handle the future. I don't want our marriage get hurt because he can't breathe and feels miserable.

Not that I don't agree with you that you NEED to have the budget under control, but instead of controlling things in your own way, probably you need to look into his feeling and involved him to set a feasible plan.

I know and ive been trying to find a way to do that but i just dont know where to find it in the budget so ive written it all down and hopefully he will look at it without getting grumpy just so he can see where im coming from and get thro the next 6 months to a point where there is extra money as some of the debts get cleared off or at least this is the aim.

It may be that you have to repay the debt more slowly than you would prefer in order for your dh to be onboard here. The important thing is that the debt gets smaller and not larger.

Ur right, that may be possible on his ccard the other debts ie a loan is set by the company and the card in my name im only putting in enough to ensure its paid before interest starts to be added. I actually did suggest he apply for a new card with interest free but he seemed reluctant to prolong how long it would take to pay off if we did that with it so god knows, he may perhaps come round to my way of doing it im hoping if he looks at the figures for himself and has time to think or perhaps thats just wishful thinking

Hi, if he doesn't take it so well as you would wish, probably you need to think carefully "what's the most essential thing here". If you do think your DH is worth a bit compromise, perhaps you want to slow down the pace slightly. Even if it's only cleaned after 9 months instead of 6, still a bright future, most importantly not allowing the pressure damage your relationship. Step back a little and look at the whole picture. There must be a way.