Please give me advice on my mother

[EverythingIsTicketyBoo]

I am sick of being annoyed by her, trying not to be hormonal (31 weeks pg) and have had a lifetime of her behaving like a child. I will tell you just this year's goings on as my most recent examples.

For a bit of background I live closer to her than any of my siblings. We have always had a difficult relationship but it is so bad at the moment, I just can't stop being angry :(

We invited her for Christmas She did come and I tried to have a lovely day but she spent the whole day sat on her arse literally not speaking, the only time she got off her arse was to go to the toilet, she even ate dinner in silence, it was really uncomfortable, even the kids wondered what was wrong with her.

Just after she wanted to take my teen DS out, if has visual issues and can't see in the dark. After promising me she would get him back safely I got a phone call from him saying grandma was making him get off the bus to come home, at night, on his own. After a few choice words she took him back to hers to be collected as planned.

A few weeks ago we were all really really poorly with a virus. I had a scan and gtt booked and luckily we were better in time to make the appointment. She knew we had all been poorly, and really struggled with it. She looked after toddly for me, DH dropped him off and if said mum looked a bit peeky but said she was fine. She wasn't, she had 0if same thing we did and spent 3 hours with my toddler, of course he got it again and ended up on anti b's

Sorry posted too soon. She doesn't see that it would have been better to own up to being ill and letting me make other arrangements :(

Since then she has 'forgotten' again that teen can't see in the dark and asked I'm to do things for her (like go from the car into db's house for her mobile phone) at night, and now this went I have tried to call her at home a couple of times (she is a nightmare on the mobile, always stands next to the angrier thing she can find then just shouts 'I can't hear you' till you hang up) but she didn't answer. This is not unusual, I sometimes only speak to her once a week if we are busy. I found out tonight she went away on Tuesday came back today, told my teenager, told her neighbour and told her sheltered warden but didn't think to tell me, she actually thought texting my 15 year old (deaf/blind) son was sufficient :(

I just don't know how to feel, I am angry with her all the time. The twice she has tried to put my son in danger because of her stupidity are one thing but everything all together is too much.

Sorry this was so long

Thank you if you got this far.

You deserve a

Ooh, typos galore, sorry, where I put if, please read he, I did this off my phone and feeling a bit like a rant. Reading it back it seems very childish :(:(

She sounds bonkers! Christmas Day in silence must have been awful. if having a rant made you feel better then that's the main thing

Have you just outright asked her what that was all about or why she keep 'forgetting' about your teens vision problems?

Why was she silent on Christmas Day - was she annoyed with one of you?

(She sounds like a PITA BTW!)

She sounds a right PITA and from what you've put here it sounds like she's testing your DS's night blindness - has she ever alluded to the fact she doesn't believe he has it/is as bad? Poor DS

There is only one way to cope with a parent like this in my opinion, and that is to contain the fallout.

Firstly, never ask her for anything or depend on her. Never leave your children with her.

Next only see her when it suits you and see her on her own ground so that you can choose when to leave.

Minimise her opportunities to disrupt your life. So don't invite her to special occasions that can be ruined by her. Next Christmas day go round to see her in the afternoon for a couple of hours. Duty done but it gives her no chance to make everyone miserable.

She sounds like she is a very trying mixture of elderly tech-fail/memory-fail and passive aggression to exercise a bit of power.

Take charge of your contact with her and get it on your terms.

How old is your mother Tickety ?

Not that it really makes a difference, it's just she sounds a lot like my dearly departed gran who was into her 80s, but unfortunately I am starting to see many of the same traits in my mother who is just into her 60s. I have given DH permission to shoot me at the first sign I'm heading the same way

So your eldest is 15 and is deaf/blind - yet your DM thinks it's ok to make his way home from a bus by himself? How does he get to/from school? Assuming he's not HE?

If he isn't used to doing this, then that is unforgivable IMHO :(

Also reinfecting a toddler with a bug they've already had is pretty dire too. We have a stomach bug working it's way around the 5 of us and it's not nice. If anyone dares to reinfect us then there will likely be blood spilled!

It's a lot for you to deal with at 31wks pregnant though. Is your DH supportive? Are you relying on your DM for childcare when baby decides to arrive?

I agree with a lot of what the poster above me says. Do it on your terms, don't ask or rely on her for anything, see her at her house, then you can choose to leave when suits you.

Take a deep breath, count to as many as you need to, and come back and rant whenever you feel the need!! :)

Oh thank you, I nearly hid the thread because I couldn't handle a flaming but you have all been so understanding

I never thought of the idea she is testing DS to see if he really is blind or not, she is of the old fashioned attitude that boys are some how better and to be looked after, listened to and served

Teen gets a taxi to school door to door service, we do try to get him to do short walks (local shop, post box) during the day as an exercise in independence for him, never from the bus, and never ever at night!
I have tried to speak to her a few times but it is really impossible, it always ends the same way. As soon as you try to talk she cries and tells me that she will just never see any of us again and leaves the room.

Unfortunately because of the rural area we live in she is needed in an emergency if labour starts overnight or I need to let to hospital quickly. My brother and sil will also be helping but they work and will come to help before and after work until they can organise time off, I have been trying to work out any other way of having them looked after but it all just depends on the when it happens.

DH is very supportive, he has been on the end of her stirring and seen how she makes me feel, db is also supportive, but also has a lot of loyalty to mum (he is her only son and he has been very very well looked after by her, he has only really 'seen' her behaviour in the last few years since he has had a fiancee)

Thank you again for your replies

is there any chance she has early stages of Alzheimer's or mental health issues, she sounds very strange and infuriating but the way you describe her she sounds very vague.

It has been something me and db have discussed but there has never been anything to actually back up what we think, like you said it is just a general vagueness, thoughtless thing about her, she has been like it for years, I'm not sure if she is getting worse or if my hormones tolerance of it is less.

I would make a back up plan for your labour. I wouldn't want to rely on her. Could a Mum from school or toddlers help?
For my last labour, my old next door neighbour came over to look after the kids.

I'm looking at who I can ask to help with the kids when I'm in labour, I think db and I are going to have to have another talk to her.

Oh wow that sounds pretty hard going.

Is there really no one close by who could help out short term at short notice?

Maybe another mum from toddler group as suggested upthread, or a neighbour, or if push comes to shove, what about a registered childminder who does overnighters?

Good lord I'd offer myself if I didn't have three DCs at home already, and one still BFing!!!

Do you have any aunties, uncles, grandparents, godparents, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, trusted friends, does DH have any family or friends you could call on?

Sorry, you've probably gone right through this already, just wondered if there was anyone you might not have thought of yet.....

What about the hospital? Can they recommend anyone? Is there any chance of you having a home birth or at least labouring at home?

Sorry you've probably gone through all of this a million times.

I hope you sort something out you're happier with before too long :)

Thank you Mum we have been going through the options, there are a couple of daytime ones who can have them while we wait for db to get there from work and I (think) I can labour at home or a while but a hb is not an option for me :(

The only issue we need to sort out is if any overnight is required (db will try to do it but he is not sure if I'd can have time off work). I'm sure we will be able to get something sorted.

I spoke to her this morning and I asked why she wouldn't tell me she was going away this week her response was to ignore me and start telling me about her trip, I tried asking again and she just changed the subject again :( still trying not to be angry. I would love to give up but I can't (yet) :(

Mums are pretty infuriating people at times, but we only get one, so I understand you're not ready to give up yet.

I really do hope you get something sorted very quickly, hopefully DB will be able to help out, but I guess it will be difficult as he can't exactly book a day off can he?!

Have you thought about posting in MN Local - maybe there are some MNers local to you who would be able/willing to help out - I know time is of the essence and you can't just leave your DCs with anyone, but it may be worth a shot.

I hadn't thought about the local page, I might give that a look. Db has said he will do what he can but not having a firm date makes it quite hard for him to plan for. Its about time people could book emergency uncle leave!!

I am wondering how to go forward from here, how to let go of the anger so I can at least take the kids to visit her without that feeling before where I already feel a bit wound up and apprehensive about what might happen.

Would it help to have a break from her for a while? Can your dp/dh take them to see her instead of you - double whammy in that you get some "you time" as well :)

Could you perhaps write to your mum and explain exactly how she makes you feel, maybe that would help the anger to subside too. If you write down exactly what you want to say to her, without interruption, then you know she has it - whether she chooses to read it/act on it is another matter entirely but you will have had the opportunity to "say" what you want to say to her.

Does she email? If so, you could email her and cc. DB in - you have a first hand witness to exactly what you have said then - maybe your mum won't be so awful if she realises her son is aware of her actions too?? Or am I clutching at straws here?

You could be on to something there, we have never been able to talk about anything (I was 17 before she mentioned periods to me, they started just after my 15th birthday and I just got on with it, used pocket money to get what I needed, she finally said have you started ...... you know, if you haven't you need to see a Dr, that was that) I just accepted this is how is, but I think she does need to understand. A letter could be a good way to do it.

Oh bless you :(

A letter is a really good way for you to pour out all of your emotion, anger, sadness, frustration etc and write down everything you have ever wanted to say and not been able to.

Even if you never give/send it to her, you will have the cathartic pleasure of knowing you have "had your say".

And if that helps you to lose your anger towards her, or channel that anger and frustration into something more positive, then all to the good.

The only thing to bear in mind is that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. So if you write a letter to her and send it, you may never know whether she has read it or not. Unless you know that curiosity will get the better of her

Hi, sorry not replied, gov wrapped up in a bit of real life.

I have started my letter, it is quite a rant and I have will re read it and just get it to the facts of what I want her to know and understand. I am not sure I will give it to her or not, I may let db to read it then at least someone knows IYNWIM.

Just deciding whether to visit or not. She has not been in touch since we had our last 'discussion' but then neither have I. The very idea of doing something nice for her makes me feel funny and as soon as I do she will take it that she is forgiven and everything is fine, if I don't I will feel bad cos it is mother's day and I should do something. I could drop her card over after she has left for lunch with db, is that cheating/nasty/heartless??

For now I have DH at work, teen DS away on an adventure weekend and lots of kisses and cuddles and a trip to the park with toddly to look forward to

I'd write the letter, but don't send it, she will only use it against you. FOREVER. She will also show it to others to PROVE how awful YOU are.

I'd say keep your distance, don't panic, don't try and get back to her, let HER do the thinking.

She won't tackle this, her tactic is to ignore and wait until things blow over. Minimisation, denial and blame. Classic toxic parent.

There is a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Foreward. I've not read it, but I know others swear by it.

Hissy you have it in one, she will just wait for it to go away. Not this time!! It's one thing being like this with me, but putting my boys at risk is quite a different matter!! I had never thought of her as toxic, but I will look at the book.

I did have a visit with db this morning who took my card with him so I didn't have to go :) he also put a whooppee cushion under my chair while I made him a brew, but we do tend to act like 12 year olds at times

I think just writing the letter will make YOU feel better, and that is what is important right now.

As for not visiting her today, well hey you're a mum too so therefore it's YOUR Mother's Day as well. I didn't see my mum today. I called her very briefly, but that was it.

I think Hissy has a very valid point in that if you do give her the letter, she will be able to hold it over you forever - as for being toxic, I don't think anyone would like to think that of their parents, but maybe that book will give you some perspective on that.

Good luck with the letter, let us know what you decide to do.

Hi, thank you for your advice. I wrote my letter, sorted the main points from the insignificant waffle and found my trigger with her. It's obvious now, it's my boys, all the other stuff I have learnt to live with over the years and brush it off but this year she has involved the safety of my boys and this has clouded me thinking that everything was an issue. The letter really made me focus on the real issues.

I have just had a really long conversation with db about it and asked him to help me sort out my feelings and speak to her. I feel so much more free now I have found the trigger and db will think about how to help me. I did of course have to confess to him that being pg at the moment I have struggled to organise my feelings and was struggling to get past it and of course as a good big brother - he struggled to understand that, but he tried, and I feel so much closer to letting the anger go and sorting out the trigger for it :)

Just wanted to say that when you said you thought you sounded childish I really felt for you. I didn't read that in your post - I read a real weariness with your situation and felt that you needed a hug!!! Wouldn't send letter until its really edited and shared to check others think its ok, it may be better to use it as a journal to work out your own feelings.