Need to be told to man up

[CaptChaos]

My DS1 is getting married on Saturday, which is lovely. I am doing a reading, which is lovely, DS and DiL really want me to feel involved with everything, bless them.

I am dreading the actual day.

My EA mother will be there for a start. She has been texting away to everyone that I am a shit daughter because I was so ill on Sunday that I didn't call her to wish her a Happy Birthday between bouts of vomiting, this is despite the fact that she forgot my birthday completely last year! She will make the day all about her, get horribly drunk and tell the whole room what a bitch I am. It will be awful, every family shin-dig always is.

My vile Sil will be there, with my uncontrollable DN's, in fact, they are sitting at the same table as us for the meal. She talks to me as if I am mentally subnormal, constantly criticises my hair, weight, life choices etc etc, She speaks to my husband like he is staff and ignores my DS2 because he's 'different'. He's ASD ffs! She doesn't usually look after my nieces, so they run riot when they are with her, the last time we saw them they were climbing on the table and eating other people's food (aged 7 and 5). This is absolutely not their fault, they behave beautifully for the nanny. My DB does nothing, she talks to him like he's a piece of dirt too.

Last but not least, PA ExP (DS1's DF) will be there. He's not so much of a problem to be fair, we manage to be pleasant enough to one another, but I know that my mother will pull everyone aside and stage whisper to them that all the 'stories' I tell about his violence toward me and DS1 is lies. The Police reports mean nothing, the hospital reports are lies too, I injured myself and blamed him (in her mind). She does this ALL the time, a couple of bottles of Pinot and her mouth goes on over drive.

I really don't want to go, but I know I have to, I feel like the world's worst Mother for feeling like this. I am having minimal contact with mother and Sil, and will be going NC as soon as I can viably do that (by emigrating) I have insight into why they behave as they do, but it doesn't stop me reverting to a terrified 6 year old as soon as I know I have to see them both. I have been practicing little shut downs for weeks, but as it gets closer to the day, I am just reverting to type and I don't know what to do. I know I sound terribly self absorbed, there is a whole life-time's back story with my mother, there really isn't room for it all on here.

Any strategies? Try and be gentle though, I am feeling a little delicate

Hi, have you talked about these issues with your DS, is he aware? I just wonder if you could get a change to seating arrangements? Sounds like a bad deal being stuck with an unpleasant sil.

Take a break, or lots of breaks, through the day. What is the shape of the day and what role do ou have beyond your reading? Is there anywhere near the venue you could slope off to for a break? When I have been to weddings with young kids I have often gone back to hotel for naps etc - no one ever really noticed as it was in the mingling/dancing phases. I also have sloped off anyway, I usually find weddings a bit long and I get drained so I often go for a walk to recharge, I am not brilliant socially so need this.

Remember, your mum will show herself up. You will look dignified and normal. Most people will see that it s deeply weird to behave the way ou describe your mum, especially at a special event, you will look much the saner, and people will draw their own conclusions.

Your sil and her children are no reflection on you. Let them behave as they will and watch others watching her doing nothing.

If it all gets too much you can leave. You really can. Better that than a whole load of upset. If you hold your tongue and quietly leave, no be can (justifiably) hold it against you.

Also have a calming phrase you can repeat over and over to yourself, something really positive about you.

And don't drink so you keep your wits about you!

Good luck, sounds awful, glad you are making escape plans.

I have spoken to DS about seating plans, and he very sweetly explained that he and his fiancee had spent hours looking at who could sit with who, he does understand that it will be awful for us (Sil speaks to Dil in a slow voice, using short words ) but that he couldn't put us anywhere else. There is no 'top table' because of other tensions in the extended family, so there are 3 'toppish tables' DS wanted us at one of them, and knows that Sil will create merry hell if she's not at one too. It made me feel sad actually, that I had taught my DS1 my fear, obligation and guilt complex without meaning to

Sorry you sound very apprehensive, good luck. Try and concentrate on your DS and his bride, tune out any hostility. It really is the young couple's day and okay a nasty tiny minority might try and capitalise on your discomfiture. You are there for DS. You'll be with DH and DS2. That frightened 6 year old is loved and will be able to focus on DS1 and DIL. Out of 50? 80? 120? guests in the room there are possibly two, three at most you have an issue with. If they are at the same table, or in close proximity, pretend they are speaking a foreign language. Nod and smile if you can't ignore and detach.

Even with formal seating lots of people move around at wedding receptions, see other family members, take photos, get fresh air. Plenty of opportunity to walk off if SIl gets insufferable.

Hope DIL's family are nice normal people, they and the happy couple's friends won't know any back history, they'll be enjoying the moment.

As YellowAndGreen says, SIL and toxic M will only show themselves up to be unpleasant people if they try and embarrass or slight you. The DNs will be excited and possibly runnning rampant, they're SIL and DB's problem not yours. ExP I think will be moved by the occasion and doesn't sound as big a threat to your confidence.

if you get to a point where you feel you want to walk out, do so discreetly.

Thank you both. How ridiculous! It had simply never occurred to me that I could physically remove myself from their proximity.

I have discussed both your wise posts with DH and he is going to help me to gauge when I've had enough and give me some excuse to leave for a bit. He is being amazingly sensitive and kind to me through it all, he just didn't know how to help.

I'm sure it will be a lovely day, I am so proud of my DS1 and new Dil, and now, hopefully I can start to refocus on what is really important about Saturday. Them!

I would be willing to sacrifice my place on a 'top' table in order to get away from toxic rellies, could you let sil have the honour while you sit with nicer people?

You have my greatest sympathy!!!!

My mother always used to really humiliate me when other people were present. I used to cringe and be so stressed out wondering what she was going to say - I can't tell you how awful it used to be.

Drastic and probably far too late now, but couldn't you tell her that she's not welcome because of her nasty ways? I never did, but really wish I had, because every single occasion would be utterly ruined by her.

As for your sil, I would stay away as much as you possibly can. She sounds so thick skinned, she probably wouldn't even notice!

If it is too late to change anything in terms of seating arrangements etc now, personally I would have a drink or two to relax and stay away from them. Be with nice people and make sure you enjoy yourself.

FWIW I could never warn my mother to be nice (and normal), because it would fuel her to be even worse, so just had to wait knowing that she would ruin it.

The way to get through days like this is to approach it as a team with your DH and any recruits you can enlist. Have you got other children going, or friends?

With your DH, ask him to engage you in warm, supportive conversation as much as possible during the meal and if there are any discussions involving the whole table, to drop in numerous compliments about your mothering skills and how proud you should be of raising such a lovely groom, how much your DIL loves you, what a great MIL you'll be, how lovely you look. This will stonewall anyone who's tempted to say different and throws a shot across the bows.

Also, take regular walkabouts outside or elsewhere when things get overwhelming or you need a break.

If anyone is overtly nasty, calmly point out that nothing they can say will ruin your son's day for you, so they are wasting their breath. Your DH can also be recruited to step in and do the same.

It probably won't be as bad as you're dreading, but try not to involve your son and DIL in the worry about it. They've got enough to think about. Offload to others and present yourselves as a team on the day.

Good luck for today OP x

Good luck today OP.

What really matters is that your son and dil have a fantastic day and that you get to celebrate it with them.

Everyone else can just go fuck themselves x