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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Update on Angel

17 replies

angelpinkcar · 06/03/2013 22:13

Hi all who helped me through such a difficult decision towards the end of last year. I was in a terrible dilemma after separating from my H. Well I have sold our house, moved back to where I was, have put the DC;s back in their old school and I am going back to work full time soon. Now the reality is starting to hit me and I am feeling very afraid for my and the DC's future. The ExH has turned out not only to be a shit husband but also a shit father. The OW hasn't surfaced as yet but she is there lurking I can feel it. H made no attempt at all to reconcile our marriage, made one half hearted attempt at asking if he could move back in with us after I had done all the bloody hard work, shrugged his shoulders when I thought we were going to be homeless and not making any attempt to move anywhere so he can see his DC's and only sees them the odd day here and there. I am so glad I chucked his sorry arse out of my house but boy is it hard. Any tips or advice on surviving the next few months coming up as there will a divorce to sort out and I am worried about coping working full time with two DC's

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cestlavielife · 06/03/2013 23:45

One day at a time.
Build network of friends family who can help when you or dc get sick.
Enjoy being a family of you and dc with ex as a "visitor" to the dc from time to tme if that is howit pans out

angelpinkcar · 07/03/2013 07:21

Thank you very much, I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions at the moment. I felt focused when I was selling the house and moving but now that's all done I feel now what ?? Have I done the right thing?? I know I have but I feel quite down and upset on a regular basis and get cross with myself for feeling like this. I should feel happy I have achieved so much. I did feel happy and free when I first split from H but now I am finding it quite hard being a lone parent. I do go on the lone parent page. So I will post there as well. Does it get better?? Really???xx

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2013 07:23

You need new projects, that's all. As you say, the house move was diverting and a good focus for your energy. Now it's finished it's time to look around for a new goal. Can be anything at all as long as it's absorbing... taking a night-school course to learn a new skill, for example. When you go back to work that'll help considerably.

angelpinkcar · 07/03/2013 07:37

Thanks Cogito, I think I will have to do an online course due to my work hours. I am nearly stone lighter as well so that was another goal achieved, I am getting there, the next will be getting my own house, so I had better stop spending on me and the DC's after not being able to for the last how many years due to the ExH being a financial controller. Thanks for the advice any more would be very welcome.

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OhWesternWind · 07/03/2013 15:29

It will get easier, Angel. I moved away after I split with my ex, lived in a rented house for six months and then bought my own place and live there with my DCs. i've been there a year now and it's very much still a work in progress, lots of decorating and stuff to do.

It can be hard, and I've found it difficult to make new friends as I am always at work (in a different town) or in with the children in the evenings unless I pay for a babysitter. But I've renewed contact with a lot of old friends and although it's texting, phoning and messaging, rather than actually seeing them, it does help me a lot to have someone to chat to and rant to on occasion. Friends are very important.

Other than that, keeping busy is good so long as you don't overdo it and get stressed. It's easy sometimes to forget how much you have been through and it can all build up sometimes (especially in the middle of the night).

I work full-time and have two children in primary school. The main thing is to get your childcare arrangements sorted out, don't worry about housework-type stuff you don't get done in the week, and once you've been in your job a while see if you can do flexible hours eg early start, early finish or something if that would make your day easier.

Don't be afraid of the future. Things will sort out one way or another, they always do. My life isn't at all how I'd planned for it to be, but most of the time it's good, although hard. There are some low days and some bloody brilliant ones! I'm finding out again who I am and how to have fun and be happy, and my life is a hundred times better than it was with my ex.

angelpinkcar · 08/03/2013 07:14

Thank you Oh Western Wind for sharing your experiences with me. It does give me hope I will be able to survive. I have had a very hard week this week, just feeling very emotional and tired, probably doing too much and getting stressed out. Also DS had been crying and not wanting to go into his new school which was stressing me out.
I haven't had much help the last two weeks so its just been all me and that's hard isn't it. I Know some on here have no help from families etc and that must be even harder. Had an early night and only 2 glasses of wine. That's another thing I will have to get out of the habit of having a glass or two of wine of an evening. That doesn't help with the old tiredness the next day. Will have to save it for the weekends only.

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onefewernow · 08/03/2013 16:18

Hey Angel. Fiventhree here with a name change.

I was wondering how you were.

You will cope, I know you will. Just need to start that slow process of rebuilding a life. You must be exhausted. But the spring is nearly here.

onefewernow · 08/03/2013 16:20

Can you get out for a face to face course any night? The company is half the thing.

angelpinkcar · 09/03/2013 08:47

Hi onefewernow, I have still been here lurking but not posting as wanted to wait until I had sorted everything out to update, as you all helped me make my final decision to split from ExH. His lack of reaction said it all really, I still haven't managed to find out who the OW is though. It wouldn't been nice to be proved right. I am not sure I would be able to get out to do a course unless I paid for a babysitter, but I will look into it!!! Well I hope you all have a lovely mothers day tomorrow those of you with DC's.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 09/03/2013 08:56

It might not be one particular OW - he could be cheating in other ways (e,g via no strings sex sites).

Given his crap reaction, you did the right thing in kicking out his sorry arse - stay strong x

angelpinkcar · 11/03/2013 08:18

Yes there is another woman, she has come out of the woodwork as predicted but EXH is making out oh I have only been a couple of dates with her, only just met her, ummmmmmmm!!!! yeah right who are you trying to take the piss out of here, not had a good weekend but hey a least I had the DC with me all weekend and had a lovely day yesterday with them. Think its now going to start to get shitty.... Don't know how to tackle it really as he will not reveal who it is my protective part of me thinks well I want to know who my DC's are going to be with when they are with him, I know its the same with me if I start seeing someone but I am not at the moment so no worries there. Another part of me thinks don't give him the satisfaction of wanting to know. What did you do in the same situation when the OW suddenly appeared.

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onefewernow · 11/03/2013 08:59

My h's were all online, loads of them, so no one in particular from what I have been told.

Always remember your instincts are not wrong.

I would certainly not allow any ex partner of mine to take out my kids with an OW who I had not even a name for.

In some ways he is comical, as it will come out anyway. The fact he has bee. Willing to go along with a split shows that at this stage he has hopes for the relationship

You sold that house quick, though! Are you in divorce proceedings and is he being fair about money?

angelpinkcar · 11/03/2013 09:36

I know I have learnt a lot to always trust your instincts as they are normally right aren't they especially when its shouting out at you...

I know that's what I was thinking, he says its early days and she won't be meeting the kids but then he lied to me for the last 12 months or may be longer that he wasn't having an affair and that he was going to change his job to be with me and DC's and we were all going to live happy ever after. So why should I believe any words that come out of his mouth.

No divorce proceedings yet although the joint debts have all been paid off. No he wasn't intending to be fair about the money but I made sure he had no choice in the matter. I would like to get divorced and that is the next obvious step. I wanted to get everything sorted first amicably if possible as it can turn nasty if not.

I was lucky I did sell my house quickly mores the pity as it meant he has been able to move on quickly hasn't it???!!!

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angelpinkcar · 14/03/2013 07:23

Right so the dust is starting to settle, the OW has surfaced, the kids are starting to settle, what next???? What is the script for separation? The contact from the EXH has lessened ie phone calls to the DC's and texts to me asking on their wellbeing. Which I predicted it would once the OW came on the scene. I can't help feeling so angry about it all, I know you go through like a grieving process but this is ridiculous!!!!Its not for me its the DC's that their father is starting to loose interest in them and son won't see them at all. Was I so right about that tosser and how was everyone fooled into believing he would do the right thing by his DC's Ha I could laugh at them all!!! Even his parents said he will always do well by those children my arse, when he is shagging some bitch I am sure he is thinking of his DC's. Sorry feeling angry this morning....

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targaryen24 · 14/03/2013 07:34

hey angel, sorry to hear that you're in a bit of a limbo Thanks

I know you initiated the split but it must still be a shock to think you lived with the bugger & had kids with him and yet he's turned around and behaved like he has. At least you're free of that! (When my mum divorced my step-dad she said she felt worse once everything was settling).

Anger's normal in any situation where you've been let down so just ride whatever feelings come your way & remember it'll all pass eventually I guess.

Haven't got any advice for what to do know except what's already been said but didn't want to read & run! Smile

targaryen24 · 14/03/2013 07:35

And vent away if you need to, I'd be fuming.

Especially if I was stepping up to the plate and he was being a self centered a-hole, scuse my french!

angelpinkcar · 16/03/2013 08:38

Thanks Targaryen, I have calmed down a bit, after reading some other posts, and seeing how hey coped with it all. Its not going to get me anywhere is it!!!! Will post a bit more later on as DC's want to go on the computer...

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