Have been trying to put contact arrangements with exH on a more formal footing after him previously taking advantage of access to my home (eating my food, sleeping off his hangover on my couch, using my washing machine...)
We came close to a row last weekend. (He hadn't paid this month's maintenance as he was concerned that he might be asked to take a paycut at work and naturally DD's nursery fees are the first thing he thought of cutting back on rather than his alcohol and cigarette intake or the £100 p/w he spends on miscellaneous, unaccountable shit.) I told him I'd had enough of being treated like a cross between his mother and a cash machine, would be taking action to ensure that I never had a direct conversation about money with him again, and wanted a defined routine for access where I didn't have to even see him.
Unfortunately, before we could get onto details of any arrangement for contact, our DD who was playing upstairs with my live-in childminder fell and bumped her head. I rushed to see her, brought her down for a cuddle with her dad too as she was upset and asking for both of us. He gave her a cuddle, then said goodnight to her and left.
Total silence since then. Normally he sees her for an hour most evenings after work. Personally, I wouldn't be sorry never to hear from him again.
Particularly as it now transpires that he's been upsetting 4yo DD by telling her that he doesn't have enough money for food and no home to live in. (He earns well above the national average wage even with the threatened pay cut so any lack of food or acommodation is down to his drinking and general fecklessness.)
This rang real alarm bells when I learned about it. A mutual friend of ours witnessed DD talking about it and asking if she could take some food home for her daddy... The mutual friend grew up with an alcoholic father whom she was made to feel totally responsible for and we had a long conversation which ended with me feeling very conflicted over facilitating contact in any way with a man who will manipulate his child like this.
But DD is asking for her Dad, whom she loves very much. We've told her that he's probably working late this week (sometimes he does) but can't carry on with this indefinitely.
I have sent a text asking to discuss dates and time for DD to see him but no response. Don't feel inclined to send another but don't know what to say. I feel a bit all over the place and am struggling to gather my thoughts.
Advice please, wise MNners.