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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

7 month old baby and non stop arguments with DH

10 replies

tubtoes · 06/03/2013 19:41

I am going out of my mind, since DD was born in July DH and I have spent most of our time when not looking after her, arguing. We try not to do it infront of her and it usually happens in the evening once she is asleep. It can be about depressingly repetitive topics like money, inlaws, culture differences (i live abroad in his country). We've been together for 5 years now, married for a year and a half. He is a kind and good person, an amazing father and I know he means no badness at all. BUT at least 3 times a week we argue, about stupid things, big things, everything. Each time we talk and talk and try to make things better, we even went to some counselling before christmas which helped in short term but not really fundamentally.
Everytime it happens I think about leaving him, although logistics v difficult in foreign country with v little money or family to rely on. And I dont want to take my DD away from her father who she adores. But what can i do, I feel at the end of my tether, all i do is care for DD all day long then fight with DH all night, I'm absolutely exhausted and drained....

OP posts:
NutellaNutter · 06/03/2013 19:53

It would be useful to know more about your differences of opinion on things. What exactly are you not seeing eye to eye on?

tubtoes · 06/03/2013 19:59

I dont even know, it can be anything, its just the sniping and over sensitivity that opens the can of worms, that then opens the treasure chest of bad feelings. We insult each other, our families etc. Theres miscommunication, self pity, interrupting and a whole lot more unhelpful things happening in each fight. Its like a vicious circle I cant get out of. I am on maternity leave at the moment but my actual job is as a counsellor so you can imagine how frustrating it is not being able to use my tools on my own relationship...

OP posts:
HenD19 · 06/03/2013 20:00

I hated my DH for a while after my DD was born mainly due to resentment. If you are talking things through I'm sure things will slowly get better. This is probably not the most helpful advice but I honestly think most couples go through this.

Ionasky · 06/03/2013 22:09

How does dd sleep? We had a lot of bad silly fights that seemed serious due to being really tired. Maybe you need to have some evenings out without each other too?

TheChaoGoesMu · 06/03/2013 22:11

I hated dh in the first year with both dc, I was tired and in retrospect, so was he. Do you think this is the problem, or something more?

Ionasky · 06/03/2013 22:11

Ps also we had no family help, can you get a babysitter or some nursery time to feel less under pressure? Sometimes hard to admit you might need a break in general as there can be an expectation you should be able to cope without a break.

tubtoes · 06/03/2013 22:22

Thanks for your responses, I thought it was tiredness stella first, along with a bit if PND so we had done therapy sessions etc which helped a bit, though it is always annoying when your DH hangs into every word coming from a complete stranger even though you've said them yourself a thousand times. DD is sleeping like an angel these days tho, so we can't really blame it on that. Yes time out would be great and a few times we have gone out when family here or friends offered to babysit but we can't afford regular help and there are no nursery places available in this city, it's a big prob.
It's just a mystery, we're trapped in a sniping cycle, both open up, let down our guards but then next day back to sq 1. Maybe it is resentment, maybe it will work itself out, lets hope, I'm just do exhausted and find myself thinking about leaving him at least 3 times a week.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2013 22:23

I have a lot of friends who have DC the same age as DD (2) and not one of them is doing well with their relationship. It gets better. Well, sometimes it doesn't but give it a chance.

colditz · 06/03/2013 22:26

Could you make a promise to yourself not to snipe? Try really hard to react positively to him for a few weeks, even snap a band on your wrist if you have to, but just be nice.

And if he's still being a dick, I'd leave him

Ionasky · 07/03/2013 07:24

I still think its worth trying to do some things on your own in the evening rather than trying to get along, is there something you used to do as in hobbies etc that you don't have time for? Could ask dh too - I appreciate a couple of evenings a week apart to feel a bit freer. My dh does exactly what you say re taking things someone else says as interesting/true when I've been saying them for ages, v annoying...

Any chance family can visit or you can plan a couple of days away when they next come out? Something to look forward to maybe.

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