I have been separated from my husband for about 8 years (together nearly 25). He's 11 years older than me and had always been a workaholic, but took early retirement last year and now seems to be at a complete loose end. We have 3 children, only 1 still at home with me. I have started divorce proceedings but they seem to have stagnated, whilst he sorts things out in order to come up with a financial offer. I have moved on, and been in a rather wonderful (long distance) relationship for over 3 years now.
With the passage of time I no longer feel so angry towards my ex (I think, in retrospect, I felt abandoned and overwhelmed with small children and no extended family, whilst he worked all the hours he could to hopefully provide them all they needed) and, although I haven't physically seen him for about a year, we have email contact usually regarding domestic stuff and kids. There isn't any animosity anymore. We just drifted apart, and probably didn't have much in common to start with. This week in an email he said he had to clear out some stuff that he had stored at work and was finding the clutter in his house overwhelming. One of the things I could not cope with when we lived together was the clutter. He is the type of person who cannot throw anything away if it has a potential value and when I last saw his house you could barely move in it sideways. I can only imagine what it is like now. I would find it soul destroying, and I'm sure he does too. I could not cope with living like that, but appreciate how hard it is to start clearing out such a volume of stuff when it has got so far out of hand. If he lived closer, I could be more hands on and try to help him sort it out, but he lives nearly 200 miles away.
As far as the divorce goes, I veer between thinking it's all too much effort legally to get divorced, and feeling so incredibly guilty about him (being in his early 60s), that he probably will not having another relationship in his life and find the happiness I now have, and thinking I should push harder to finalise this divorce. In some respects, his disorganisation could be taken as he's put his head so far in the sand and the longer he does nothing, the divorce will never happen.
I have suggested online dating to him but, to be brutally honest, he's now looks so dishevelled I'm not sure what kind of a 'catch' anyone would find him. I'm sure he could spruce himself up, but it's not important to him. The guilt I feel about him being alone when I've moved on is the big thing, now that he's retired and his whole adult life spent working so hard has virtually gone for him too. He's a fiercely intelligent academic, lots of Aspergers traits, a good, kind man who is so lost. He seems to have nothing anymore: no marriage, no career, and kids almost grown up and absorbed in their own lives... Do any of you have any wise words that would give me an idea how to help him?
(Have to go out now: will try and log back in later. Thanks in advance to any of you who have any suggestions.) x