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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this abusive?

10 replies

hummingbird87 · 06/03/2013 19:20

Hoping for some thoughts on whether you think my DP's behaviour is abusive or whether it seems normal.

Been with DP for around 2 years now. He is generally lovely to me, pays for everything we do, gives me lots of attention and makes me feel loved and attractive and is supportive over pretty much everything.

However, of late, I have started seeing a few signs that I think may be a sign of bad things to come. Occasionally when we are together he will 'accidentally' do something that ends up hurting me, like elbow me in the stomach, or barge me into a wall - that sort of thing. Most recently when we were asleep, he was shnoring so loud it stopped me sleeping. i tried to push him onto his side but he stirred in his sleep and nudged me quite hard. He is always very apologetic afterwards and says he is clumsy, but I am starting to worry a little as to whether he is just testing my boundaries for more obvious and serious physical abuse to come in the future.

I appreciate he apologises, but after reading a lot up about domestic violence and abusive relationships, I know they always do act contrite and that this is part of their MO.

Any thoughts? Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
FastidiaBlueberry · 06/03/2013 19:31

Did he used to be so clumsy?

You say "of late". So this is a recent thing, only commencing at that 2 year mark where it's a committed, serious relationship?

Is he clumsy with anyone else?

claudedebussy · 06/03/2013 19:33

if it's a new thing i'd be worried.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 06/03/2013 19:35

The sleep one sounds accidental, but elbow in stomach and barging you into a wall? If it is a new thing, that sounds very dodgy IMO.

ChairmanoftheBored · 06/03/2013 19:35

Well what makes you think these things are done on purpose? You must be fairly sure to make a statement like that?
Its very sensible to be on your guard in any relationship and it shows great insight to be questioning things if they don't quite seem right.
Is there any other reason to wonder about his behaviour?

Sugarice · 06/03/2013 19:35

How can you be accidently elbowed in the stomach?

What's his behaviour been like recently in other aspects of your life together?

pamelat · 06/03/2013 19:36

Could he be ill? I'd asked him to see the gp if balance seems off?

FastidiaBlueberry · 06/03/2013 19:38

Another question to consider:

Is he "clumsy" only when you're alone, or also when you're with other people?

Also: Trust your instincts.

After 2 years in a relationship, it's not normal to be wondering if your boyf might turn abusive. If you suspect he might, you're probably right. Your instincts are there to protect you - they keep you alive. Be guided by them.

Mugofteaforme · 06/03/2013 21:35

Likely a clumsiness issue.Very often anxiety is the triggering factor so it might be worth examing any lifestyle changes, and of course for some it's a long term issue. My partner is very much like this
Elbowing glasses of wine over, wacking shoulder on the odd wall,lefting arm up and wacking her elbow on my head......I just laugh at her being "spatially challenged"...

Having said that it's important to have your wits about you, as in any relationship.

LynetteScavo · 06/03/2013 21:38

Elbowing you in the stomach and barging you into a wall are well out of order. (Had he been drinking?)

Nudging you in his sleep may well be accidental.

I think you need to go with your gut feeling on this.

nickelbabe · 06/03/2013 21:44

if it's recent and even in public he could have an ear infection.
if it's not in public, then it's abusive.

are there any other red flags?

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