even 30 seconds and I see the red mist!

[filthycute]

I can't bear to speak to my Exp, he does something to me that no other person or situation has ever done.

Just had a pick up, one that was rescheduled last minute to accommodate his change of plans. I ask him to drop DS at nursery on Friday as I have had to swap my non work day to today to fit in with him - que him starting, why, he shouldn't be at nursery on Friday, said with his usual disdain. I feel sick with anger at his behaviour.

We split because he was and still is and emotional, financial and physical abuser. I just want to stop feeling this way, he makes me so angry - he did this when we were together and would then use my anger as a weapon saying I was a mentalist. He goads constantly, refusing maintenance, changing contact constantly so I can't make plans, questions my every parenting decision.

I just don't know why he can make me feel this way. I feel it in the pit of my stomach it blocks out everything else. I am never angry with others, never feel this way in any other situation.

Is it just because I know its going to be difficult - why do I bother he always puts me in a situation where I feel the need to justify and then pretends not to understand.

Its not bloody rocket science - I work 4 condensed days I had to take today off as he couldn't have DS despite this being planned for 2 weeks. So I have to Work tomorrow and Friday? that's not bloody difficult to grasp is it? perhaps he's just not very bright.

I think I would buy a punch bag to put in the garage and boxing gloves if I was you. YOu need to let out that anger somewhere otherwise it will affect your health. Or can you go for a run.

Punching pillows would do at a push, and putting your head under a pillow and screaming at the top of your voice - when your on your own, of course.

Funny you should say that, I am runner and recently entered an ultra marathon.

Its just him, its like he has his own personal destruct button, he never makes eye contact, is always snide, grrrr

Well he is deliberately being difficult - maybe revenge or anger that his own life isn't going as he planned which he takes out on you.

My suggestions sound a bit mad but self help books suggested these things so if things seemed to get on top of me they did seem to help.

What a prick. I do know what you mean re him doing something to you that no-one else does. You can get over it. Gradually you can stop caring what he says, what he accuses you of etc. Key thing is stop listening to him. Pretend you don't care...over time you'll find you don't care so much....and then not at all.

Someone wrote on here 'never explain, never excuse'...you don't have to justify yourself to him at all. In fact, make a point of not doing that. You might benefit from a more rigid agreement re contact - set days, calendar worked out and agreed in advance...that kind of thing. Only allow him changes if it suits him. So for a situation like today it would be 'No, I'm sorry I'm working Weds'.

Re maintenance - tell him you want a standing order for the money and threaten CSA if he doesn't pay.

The way you deal with these kinds of things is to take back control. He changes plans at the last minute? Make it clear - he either sees DS at the pre-agreed times or he doesn't see DS at all. Set a schedule and stick to it.

You can't rely on him to look after his child when you have to work? Then he doesn't get to have DS when you're working. Make other plans for childcare that mean you do not have to rely on him.

If all this cuts down the amount of time he gets to see DS then so sad, too bad, he shouldn't have been such an arse.

He refuses to pay maintenance? You hand the whole problem over to the CSA and let him argue it out with them.

He goads and questions and interferes? Broken record: "I will not discuss this with you face-to-face / on the phone. If you have concerns write me a letter/email." And keep repeating that. If he keeps on, shut the door or put down the phone. You are not legally obliged to waste your time listening to a self-important twat.

Yes, this will make life harder for you in the short term as he won't like you putting your foot down. But you're giving him so many opportunities for him to jerk you around when you don't have to. Stop giving him those opportunities and he won't be able to play you for a fool. Life will get easier.

I would also suggest you stop including him in your life. Don't rely on him for anything, don't agree to any changes in schedule, don't put yourself in a position where he has any influence. Assume zero involvement at all times and that the default setting is that you do everything and he only has a walk-on part when it suits you. If he has no impact on your life... if you are 100% in control... then he has much less capacity to wind you up.

The key thing to remember about a knob like this is: no matter what he says, he is not in charge. You do not have to obey him. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like what you say or do.
So first, set the CSA on him. He won't like it? So fucking what, his opinion is unimportant. Then take some legal advice re contact, set out a reasonable schedule etc and, as Snorbs said, refuse to discuss it other than by letter or email. If this man becomes aggressive, or turns up at your house to cause trouble, call the police and they will come and remove him.
You get to choose what happens. You can just block and stonewall his attempts to annoy you and minimize your communication with him, and gradually you will be able to see him as the inadequate tosser he is, and regard his antics with mild, amused contempt. Best of luck.

If it makes you feel any better ... me too.

I'm never cross except when dealing with my DS's father. It doesn't take much. I can be raging within an instant. I think it's because, despite the nine years we've been apart, I hate him more now for what he did than I ever did - because I understand it and can see what he's trying to do.

Don't get me wrong I'm rarely angry these days - maybe once or twice a year. It has reduced over time.

I do all the things that Snorbs suggests but the simple fact is that when he tries his weazley EA ways with me I feel cross and really do wish him dead, painfully.

It will get better over time. Detaching is the right thing to do. Not relying on him is the right thing to do. Asking for things by email is the right thing to do. Singing "You're a knob, you're a knob" in your head when dealing with him is the right thing to do.

The day my son turns 21 I will throw him a party. I will buy all his friends a drink and celebrate his coming of age but in my head I will be singing and dancing because that's the last time I will ever have to deal with co-parenting with the knobber

I think you feel angry partly because you feel you have no power or control.
Take it back.
Court order for contact don't let him mess you about.
C.S.A for child support.
Apart from that don't engage with him at all, you don't need to.

As well as all the other great advice on here, start detaching. Develop some.stock phrases to counteract him when he tries to change plans or make you justify yourself. And just keep repeating them. Or you could just deal him via text or e-mail. At least that way you get to rant in the privacy of your own home and get to think about your reply.

God I hope there will be an end to this. I know I need to take control, I have to stop defaulting to my abused reactions. He won't agree to fixed contact, solicitor advises as he has no fixed work hours that a judge would allow the ad hoc arrangement to continue.

I have recently contacted the CSA, his reaction was to insinuate I abuse DS and he'd apply for custody. He's just a nasty prick.

I'm ok if I can avoid seeing him, if he sends me a ranty e-mail, I reply with a neutral one, he refuses to read it! (bollocks, he does read them but he's got no comeback.)

I just don't like the anger I feel around him, i feel it gives him the upper hand, he can continue to portray me as a mad bitch, (me and his ex wife, his dad, his daughter and various other individuals who see though him).

I'm currently singing what a knob, what a knob in my head - off for a run, should feel better soon....