big row - drinking related

[newgirl]

Hi

I posted a month or so ago about my husband. He had drunk a lot at a dinner party and it had really upset me. He has always drunk quite a lot and used alcohol as a social prop and over the years it has caused terrible rows.

So in Jan he said he would not drink any more and hasn't. Last night he went out and had one pint but came back and was not with it and making stupid jokes. Not a big deal in itself but I was so angry. I feel all the problems of the past are coming back. We have been rowing today as he says I should cut him some slack and controlling. I cant see clearly on this now. I feel trapped in this marriage with someone who I dont like or respect - he doesnt seem happy either. Weve tried marriage guidance which was pretty good but this seems an issue to me, and not to him. How can this get resolved?

We got on really well for the past two months. Its one drink (apparently) but its a massive deal in my head.

Anyone with a bad habit that they want to retain will accuse those who want them to stop of being 'controlling'. If it's important to you he gives up and more important to him that he keeps boozing there's no resolution to that. Either he gives up voluntarily and enthusiastically for his own reasons or you're stuck with the status quo.

I've been in exactly the same situation btw. My ex was a determined binge drinker and never knew when enough was enough. I was also a 'control freak' & a 'killjoy' for suggesting a grown man should not neck it down like a teenager and then go insulting important people at company functions (toe-curling example). Not even being convicted of drunk driving made him change his ways. It was the tip of a very irresponsible and selfish ice-berg that ultimately led to us splitting.

(I don't buy 'one drink' incidentally)

thanks for replying cogito

god its depressing :( so sorry that you experienced this too.

makes sense what you say

If he's making silly jokes and it's obvious that he's been drinking then it wasn't just one drink.

The thing is when drink has become an issue it's usually over quite a long period of time and a multitude of related incidents, there it IS a big issue and it isn't just one casual drink. You are reacting like that to something that has caused you massive problems in the past and you instinctively realise that it's reintroduction is going to again.

You are not overreacting to this.

yes aka ef - that makes perfect sense - my strong reaction is a result of years of this

he seems to be taking it all in - reading websites about alcohol.

They all do that. Read websites, talk a good game, make big promises... even give up for a whole month or two. The bigger the row, the closer they get to being dumped, the more ardent the promises, the more 'serious' the efforts. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt unfortunately. It rarely lasts. All it takes is for them to feel aggreived about something and the "How dare she tell me I can't handle my drink" gene springs to the fore and they are back to their old tricks!

i think he needs to get to the bottom of why he drinks too much.

getting to the root of why destructive blow outs are necessary and the effect of the blow outs on everybody.

would he consider private counselling? it obviously all confidential and wont go to gp unless suicidal or risks etc.

i know its so hard, as you have been embarrassed socially before, people may have raised eyebrows etc and you have had to deal with the aftermath and bullcrap being argumentative when he is home after drinking but i think it might be best to talk to him about his drinking when he isn't under the influence but im sure you already do this. sorry that was a really long sentence.

could anyone link to to your last thread new girl?

the thing is, the action has to come from him. he needs to want to do it.

do you wish he'd be teetotal?

He's been saying he can meet up w friends and do other things - sporty etc he's said habit of drinking to make him more sociable - we've talked about that people like him more if not drinking. Have suggested counsellor - I doubt he'll go - rarely goes to gp or dentist - just soldiers on.

I shall just have to see how next few weeks go - not sure what else I can do without wasting yet more of my time thinking about this

Yes ribeno - think that wld be best - we shall see if he manages it

Its a very hard situation. I hope things do tick over ok and you both are somewhere on the same wavelength. It might take another big mess created by drinking to solve it for once and for all and he decides counselling is an option. People shouldn't be scared of counselling, really. Its not a blemish on your health record unless you are acutely unwell.

I really hope he can respect your thoughts on drinking and its impact on everyone.

Anyways, sounds like you're monitoring and will see how it goes. Good luck and hope you're not too worn out by it all.

Mumsnet has really helped today thank you - yes worn out by it but at least have place to express it