Should I look elsewhere for sex?

[Jangled]

Have namechanged.

I'm so confused, can't see the wood for the trees. I have been happily married for 21 years. I love my dh wholeheartedly, I respect and admire him. He is the bravest person I know with the most integrity. I know that he loves me.

Dh is severely physically disabled and beyond kissing we do not have a sex life. It drives him mad that he is unable to do anything for me. Physically he feels nothing, but emotionally he would still like to be able to make love to me.

I have convinced him that the lack of sex means nothing at all to me, and that I am absolutely fine with the way things are - and for about eight years I truly was. But over the past year or so I have begun to sorely miss, well sex to put it bluntly. I think this possibly coincides with being peri-menopausal and with my hormones running riot!

If I'm being totally honest I'm not sexually attracted to dh any more - my feelings have changed so that I feel very protective and tender towards him, but nothing beyond that. I have seen him suffer so much (lots of horrible hospital procedures and operations) that I want to care for him and look after him, but I can't see past that. So even if by some miracle (and it really would be a miracle) something happened that meant we could resume our sex life, I don't know how it would work.

If I told dh that I was missing sex it would crucify him, and I'm not willing to do that. But what is the alternative? Do I just put up and shut up? I have tried satisfying myself, both alone and with dh, and it's something but no longer enough for me.

There is someone I know very slightly, who I see very irregularly - once every six weeks maybe, sometimes much less. I am attracted to this man, and think there is perhaps a slight frisson between us. It's difficult to tell because I don't know how to interpret the signs any more. I'm so distracted that I'm at the point of contacting this man and asking him if he's married. I can't actually believe I'm even considering offering myself to a virtual stranger who may very well tell me bugger off. I haven't even kissed another man since I met my dh 24 years ago.

Please help me work through this. Should I just accept that the physical side of things is over for me as it is for my dh? And please don't think too harshly of me, I think badly enough of myself as it is.

I have to go out for a while so forgive any lack of response on my part for now.

I would advise using one of the dating sites for married people: you want someone you can rely on to be discreet. Ignore all the bullshit about the 'sacredness' of marriage. Your feelings are just as important as those of your H, and the best option here is a discreet fling for you.
Unless you want to leave your H, telling him how you feel hurts him to no purpose: he can't do anything about your feelings, so why distress him with them?

Bullshit.

It's not about the 'sacredness' of marriage. It's about the 'sacredness' of personal integrity.

Advising a woman to become a cheat and a liar with a man who is also a cheat and a liar assumes that personal integrity is not important to the OP. Not everyone is like that.

Spot on badinage.

Honesty is hugely overrated. There is no virtue in telling people things that will make them unhappy when there is no way they can improve the situation. People who make a big deal about their own honesty and integrity are best avoided as what they mean is 'I am self-righteous, tactless and lack empathy.'
The OP needs a break and some fun and joy in her life. It's better than she gets what she wants in a discreet, safe fashion than that she makes her (very sick and disabled, remember) H miserable by telling him what she's up to.

A discreet fling will make her life easier to bear and probably make the marriage happier, as well.

I'm with SGB , Jangled. You have healthy needs that you have relegated for a long time. You obviously love your husband very much, and are looking for a compromise. I think you would hurt him unnecessarily if you talked to him about this - if he has no physical capacity to be sexual, where can this go? Be discreet, be safe, value yourself and do what you need to do. It's very easy to judge this situation, but you unless you have walked this tough path, it's too easy to generalize about fidelity and marriage vows. OP, you have one life to live x

Can you be sure that feelings wouldn't come into it?

What happens if you fall in love?

I would say that meeting someone on a married site who is in a similar boat and doesn't want to break up their family would be preferable to a bloke you fancy an who may fancy you.

FFS it's not about people who make a big deal about their honesty and integrity. It's a personal thing. I don't assume the OP wants to lie and deceive her husband and assume less that she'd want to have sex with someone who's also married. In fact, in her OP she speaks about whether she should ask the man she knows if he is married, which implies that would be a possible deal-breaker for her. Some people have far more personal integrity than to want to intrude on someone else's relationship and so sex with single lovers only is their boundary. Likewise, I don't assume that her husband would prefer to be lied to rather than to have the choice about his response. Some people would rather turn a blind eye, but many would not.

Not everyone can enter into a sexual relationship with someone else and completely divorce their feelings from the encounter, with collateral damage sometimes being caused to themselves personally, their relationship and the other people they are having sex with. People are not all automatons who regard sex as just about scratching an itch.

Her husband will know if she's sleeping with someone else. He's disabled; he's not daft.

I think he's being selfish. He knows she wants a sexual relationship. He would if the positions were swapped. He knows the relationship has changed and that they are friends and she is a carer. Of course he knows that.

OP, you have to be honest. It would be so much worse for him to suspect you were with someone else. Think of the number of women on here who just know something is wrong. You will change if you sleep with someone else. You'll be guilty, excited, happy, flushed. You'll notice what you wear. You'll be distracted. Could you really have him look at you and wonder, but be physically unable to find out whether you're with someone else?

Do you ever have a break from him? Do you get the chance to holiday alone or spend weekends away? Are you with him all the time?

Have just read through, and I do thank you all for your replies and opinions.

I simply don't know where to go with all this. I honestly do love dh with all my heart and would do all I could to avoid hurting him. This is why I don't think I could bring myself to tell him that I now want sex, having spent a considerable part of the last eight years telling him (and meaning it then) that I was fine with our situation. As some of you have said, telling him how I feel will achieve nothing other than to pile guilt on his head which I won't do. I don't want our relationship to end, I do realise I'm very lucky to have what I have. Oh I just don't know.

The other man thing - yes, totally stupid idea. I don't know his situation anyway and wouldn't be prepared to intrude on and ruin someone else's marriage. It was just one of those options that I kept going back to in the dark of the night when I was wondering what to do.

On balance, I think for now I will do nothing. I have a lot to lose and I feel guilty even contemplating sleeping with another man, heaven knows how I'd actually go about doing it. Whoever mentioned conscience has obviously met mine! And practically as well, circumstances dictate that dh and I spend almost all of our time together so when I'd fit in this imaginary affair who knows! I'm making out here that I have a life of total drudgery - it's not nearly that bad. I do have friends I see when I can and go out of an evening sometimes, and there is a lot of laughter between dh and I. But no, no real breaks from him or holidays (but I don't want them either).

Still very confused but grateful for all your responses. I'm going to namechange back now and do some more thinking.

You sound absolutely lovely. But unless he's one of those men who think that women's sex drive is less than men's, or that your sex drive is lower than most people, I'm sure it's crossed his mind that you are just appeasing him when you've said you don't mind. It's possible that your sex drive has increased of late because of hormonal factors and this is perfectly normal in older women. Maybe your husband doesn't realise this and thinks that sex drive is a constant thing?

If you could find some way of discussing this in a non-threatening way, I think it might provide some release for you and could pave the way to considering other options. It doesn't have to be a once-and-for-all conversation; more a series of them. Good luck.

Again, I'm in agreement with SGB.

Calm, quiet, considered, discrete liaison's could allow this couple to continue to live their lives as they are - happily married and caring for one another.

As for 'tell him'' - are you crazy? Op told us it would drive him mad and crucify hubby, so why do it? To inflict further pain? The man didn't choose to become disabled, so why punish him further?

Good luck Op.

The thing is, it would be extremely difficult to just 'have sex' wouldn't it? You would probably end up having an affair then have all the guilt associated with that. What if you fell in love? You might want to leave your partner. You could try a friend with benefits thing but, if you are like most women on here who have posted about this (including me,) you are in danger of getting too close and getting hurt. All the emotions involved in having sex elsewhere will get in the way of the close relationship you currently share with your husband. Having said that, I completely understand your dilemma.

OP, best of luck and whatever you choose to do, remember that you matter just as much as your partner does. WHen one partner, or one family member, is seriously ill, disabled or has some form of SN then it's very common for the whole household to have to revolve around that person and his/her needs. It is absolutely essential that the other people in the household get some time and some space to do things for their own benefit, to have some fun, and some time off from the caring role. There are plenty of bucketheads who are not in your position and not likely to be who will peddle a load of crap about your duty and your integrity and all this stuff which tends to translate as 'You're a woman. You exist for other people's benefit. Suck it up.' They will tell you that martyrdom is 'rewarding' (while knowing that they are not in your position).

Whatever you decide, you are not a bad person for having needs and wanting to get them met.

Of course the OP is not a bad person, but neither is her husband. The OP has clearly explained that up until recently, she was telling her husband the absolute truth about not minding about their lack of sex life. If he'd disbelieved her and projected his contrary beliefs on to the situation, that would have been unreasonable. This doesn't sound like a bad marriage with a selfish husband. It's just that something's changed (as sex drives and attraction are wont to) and he doesn't know that. Integrity has also got fuck all to do with expecting women to suck it up. Just the reverse in fact. Integrity in this situation means not expecting the wife of a married shagger on a dating site to just suck up the fact that her husband is having secret sex with another woman. It certainly doesn't mean that the OP should suppress her needs but there might be ways to do that without lying and hurting others, including possibly herself.

Quite, her husband is not a bad person.

And he is, crucially, a person.

Not just a burden. Or a millstone around her neck.

The patronising way people are talking about him as though all he needs in life is to be condescended to and cajoled into thinking his marriage is happy while his wife lies to him and has sex with other men is horrible.

He deserves the same respect now as he ever did.

A friend of mine was in your position Jangled. She went without sex for 16 years until 5 years ago when her DH passed away. She remained true to her marriage vows but since becoming a widow, she has met someone with whom she has a full sexual relationship and they are now buying a house together. She is 61 and thoroughly enjoying her new life. I think she does regret those years of no sex, but is happy with the choice she made under the circumstances at the time. No real advice for you really, I honestly don't know what the best course of action would be but wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

Lots of people who are single don't even get to have a sex life, it's a want not a need or a right.
Marrying someone for life means that you stay faithful to them, that includes when times are tough due to circumstances like op's , her husband hasn't chosen to deny her a sex life, his sex life is over too - that must be really difficult to face.

I don't know how someone who truly loves their spouse or has an ounce of compassion or empathy could look at themselves in the mirror after cheating and lying just to have sex, you would have to be incredibly self centred and emotionally detached - and of course, your spouse would know, unless they were mentally impaired.
And not one perosn is saying she shouldn't cheat because she is a woman I'd say exactly the same for a man in her position.

noones entitled to have sex. cheating makes your entire marriage vows meaningless

While no one is entitled to have sex, it seems to me a fundamental human right to be able to seek it, if you want to do so, and not to be prevented from doing so by someone else's whims or superstitions.

I don't think 'whims or superstitions' adequately describes a monogamous partner's expectation that their spouse will not lie to them and have sex with others without their knowledge.

Yes everyone has the right to seek sex, but with that comes the responsibility to be honest about it. Just as the OP's husband exercised his responsibility to frequently ask his wife over a period of 8 years how she felt about the lack of sex. It's not as if this man has blithely assumed that as he's unable to perform some sex acts, his wife was content with that situation.

This is why this very nuanced and difficult situation gives me hope for the OP. They obviously have a loving relationship where communication is good. I'm hoping that the next time this conversation arises, the OP can be as honest as she was before when she said it didn't matter.

An obsession with rights and a disregard for responsibilities doesn't work in a mutually supportive and respectful relationship, of any kind.

Not having had to cope with such a difficult situation as you OP, I wouldn't dream of judging you for having perfectly natural feelings, and I hope that you take care of your own wellbeing at least as much as you take care of your husband.

Could you explain some of what you are feeling to your husband, in the sense that you would like to have more of a social life? Perhaps you could apply to local charities for respite breaks/support groups. I hope you aren't isolated. I just think perhaps instead of doing something drastic like embarking on a fling, you could take baby steps towards having more of a life of your own.

Also, I know someone mentioned it flippantly, have you tried relieving your sexual frustration yourself? It's funny but I think some women would sooner have sex with someone than touch themselves! I was single for 5 years while taking care of my terminally ill mother, and my 'self-love' time may have saved my sanity! You could fully explore that area, so to speak, and see if it helps at all?

A friend of mine is in this situation, after many years of looking after her increasingly disabled husband she has sought a lover. She is torn up about it, but the lack of any physical intimacy ( he is also obsessed with his train set ) was driving her mad, and she was always short tempered and miserable to her husband.

They are both in their sixties, and she has effectively become his carer, and will continue to be so until he dies, so that is the level of her commitment to him. She cares about him very much, but having a lover, who she meets every few weeks, has saved her sanity and marriage. She is 64 and having good sex and some attention she needed.

She advertised in, I think the Telegraph, quite deliberately to not meet someone in her locality..she called it the "fifty mile rule"

I have sympathy for SGB's stance in this situation. I don't believe the thought never crossed OP's dh's mind that his wife was being deprived. He might even be expecting the 'talk'. But if he effectively has no choice but to let OP have her affair or lose her, why hurt him in the process. If I were her dh, I would prefer not to know.

The question for OP is ... can she be discreet, can her sex partner be discreet. Can she stop things progressing beyond the mere physical and occasional contact. Married websites sound like the way forward.