How to deal with this?

[flowerofthehour]

Have nc for this, am a mn regular although haven't posted on this board before.
I have a male friend who I am very close to, have been for years. I have to say at this point that the relationship is and always has been purely platonic, I am happily married with two gorgeous dc.

We live miles from each other, but visit when we can. DH gets on with him well, and we've always got on with previous long term girlfriends. Me and the kids went up to visit him over half term, and I was looking forward to meeting his new girlfriend.
The problem is, she seemed to take an instant dislike to me. It started off with catty comments, things like 'I didn't realise how old you are,' and coments about my clothes and hair, but then developed into nastier behaviour. In the end we left a few days early to come home, I made an excuse about DH coming back from work early (he works abroad) so my friend didn't know why.
Since then, I haven't phoned him much, and he's now asking why. When I do speak to him she's in the background trying to get him off the phone. I'm so upset about this, he's my oldest friend, like a brother to me, but I just don't feel I can be honest with him about this

You can be honest, of course you can. The main person to have been honest with, I would have thought, is Little Miss Insecure Bitchy Pants. :) Should have (metaphorically) slapped her down at the time rather than running away. However, if your friend is asking you a straight question, the respectful thing would be to give him a straight answer. 'Left early because I'm afraid your g/f made me feel very unwelcome'. Then it's his problem to fix.

Thanks Cogito. I wish I could have said something to her at the time, but I'm not very assertive, and although now I can think of a thousand things I could have said, at the time I just wanted to get out of that situation.
I know the best thing to say to him is what yo've said, but I don't want to cause problems, I feel like I'm interfering.

I actually think you did the right thing in leaving. A confrontation on your first meeting would have been really awkward and would hardly have made for a fun few days. She clearly feels very insecure about your relationship with her DP. I suppose the only options are telling your friend the truth or skirting round the issue and that would probably mean distancing yourself. These are really tricky situations because your friend is kind of conflicted in how he approaches it. I suppose you could just meet up without her being there in the future if he is happy to do so.

How awful. I'm not surprised you left early. Did she say any of these things in his earshot?

I think you have to be honest with him, he will be more hurt if you weren't. You don't have to be nasty about the gf but just honest with how you felt, and you say you want to still talk to him etc and maybe find a time that suits when she is not around.
She may not be around for a long time but maybe she will.
She obviously has HUGE jealousy issues with you. Don't let her destroy a friendship.

No, nothing within his earshot, I think it would have been easier if she had as at least then he would have known there was an issue. She seemed quite temperamental (shouted at him a fair few times which didn't endear her to me!) and I don't like confrontation.
I think I have to be honest with him too, but don't want to jeopardise (sp?) our relationship.

I should think she manipulated the situation so that he was out of earshot when she was especially nasty, because this sounds overt and not open to misinterpretation at all.

There are two options here but both carry risks. One is that you're honest with your friend and tell him how uncomfortable and unwelcome you felt - and why. But counter that with reassuring him that this in no way changes your feelings towards him and your friendship, just that you'd prefer to see him on his own while he's in this relationship. He's then free to make a decision. Some very weak men give up their friends, but if they do they are at fault.

Or you say nothing and fudge refusals to invitations that involve her presence, in which case he might think you've gone off him and that it's got nothing to do with her.

Seeing as you've got on well with his previous partners (which I'd suggest you point out) maybe he will see that this is personal to his girlfriend and based on just that and nothing else.

Call him when you know he's alone (lunch break?) and tell him. If you want to continue the relationship with him YOU HAVE TO.

Imagine if for some fucked up reason she behaves this way with all females in his life but no one says anything to him.....he'll feel sorry for her and not understand why nobody seems to like her.
If you tell him, and I think someone above made a good point about you liking and getting on with his previous partners, he can't ignore it and will maybe look at her in a different light, start watching her behaviour, open his eyes etc....

If you don't say anything then that's jeopardising the relationship between you both - how many refusals of invitations can you give before he starts to think it's him that you have a problem with.... Or before she starts with 'see I told you flower is jealous of our relationship' or whatever toxic claptrap she wants to spout from her bitchy mouth.

Out of interest - what do you think he would do in your position? Tell you or stay quiet?

See, I know if he was in my position he would tell me straight out, he's always honest with me, so DonDon and others, you're right that I'm not being honest if I say nothing.
He has just texted to say hello, and I know he's away with work this evening, so it would be a good time to catch up. I also know he's going to want to know what's up, so I was thinking about saying something along the lines of that his girlfriend didn't seem very happy to have us in the house. I've been going through what I'll say in my head but I just feel so awful as I don't want to cause problems.

Flower That sounds like a good start to the conversation, see what he says but I think you're going to need to be brutally honest with him - tell him exactly what she was saying and what made you leave early. Like I said before - stress the point about past GF's and that you (like usually) really tried to make an effort with this one. I'd also ask him have any of his Ex's commented about you negatively before? - if not then this should alert him that something's very amiss or at least give him something to think about.
Write it all down before the call if you have to.
At the end of the day, he should know that you have his best interests at heart.
It's normal in life that there's some people we just don't like or get on with but the difference is normal people will at least try and be polite, welcoming to a guest etc... she had a jealous, bitchy agenda and it certainly doesn't sound like she even pretended to try.
To be blunt - fuck her! she had her chance to (even pretend) to get on with you and she blew it. Be more concerned about your relationship with him - if you say nothing then you'll eventually lose him anyway or at best have a telephone relationship.
Even if he decided to stay with her after he finds out what she's really like, if he values your friendship he'll continue to see you without her.
You sound like a lovely friend btw.
Good luck with the call x

Thank you DonDon :)
I have just spoken to DH, he's pointed out that he told me to talk about it with my friend last week and says I listen to Mumsnet more than him .
So, one DC in bed, one story time and then I'll make the call - will let you know the outcome :)

It's done.

He did ask straight away what was up, so I told him that I didn't feel his g/f wanted us there. He then asked if that's why we left early, and so I said yes. He was really upset, and said he wished I'd spoken to him there and he would have done something.
I said I didn't want to cause a problem, but he said he knew I would never try to do that. He's going to talk to her when he gets back tomorrow.
Not sure if I feel better or worse having done that

Brilliant - Don't doubt that you've done anything wrong in telling him, he's your friend and by the sound of it - a good one at that.

:) @ your DH he's probably right

Oh well done. You've done the right thing and it's great that he acknowledged that you're not an unreasonable person who takes irrational dislikes to people. He will have realised how difficult the situation was for you and I should think he did pick up some vibes which might now crystallise into recognition.

Sounds like you have a lovely friendship.