Brother being a wally about my new boyfriend

[winnie123]

Hello All,

I need a vent - hope you don't mind!

I came out of a terrible marriage last summer, found out DH had been sleeping with other women for 7 years and my whole world blew apart for a while. I feel like I have been fighting constantly to keep myself sane while continuing to work and bring up my two DCs as a single mum - it hasn't been easy but I'm finally in a much better frame of mind and trying to move forwards with life!

I met a man 3 months ago and it's going really well - I feel valued and attractive for the first time in years! The trouble is my older brother just won't accept that I have a new partner and it's making me feel miserable. He has basically cut off all contact with me, he has refused to come to my youngest DC's birthday tea party next week and he won't speak to me to explain what the issue is. I have no idea what I've done wrong, I'm just trying to enjoy life again. To make matters even worse, I found out yesterday that he's arranged to meet my soon to be ex DH for drinks this weekend. He has not wanted any contact with my ex since we split and I feel that the only reason he is meeting him is to spite me!

I am so confused by what is going on and really feel like my brother is punishing me for starting a new relationship. I don't want to fall out with my brother for so many reasons but I don't know how to fix this.

Thanks if you made it this far!

This is bizarre behaviour! I take it he knows what your ex did.. why do you think he doesn't want you to move on? Does he know the new boyfriend?

How are relations between you and your ex now? Was he close to your brother before?

Strange!

Your brother has decided his loyalties lie with your ex rather than you & I'd be pretty pissed off about that as well. In the circumstances, it sounds as though his lack of contact and refusal to attend parties etc is not a bad thing. Wouldn't want a traitorous arse like that anywhere near me or my family.

How disloyal your brother is

What is your brother normaly like?
Can any other members of your family speak to him and tell him what an utter, utter twat he is being?

"I don't want to fall out with my brother for so many reasons "

He's clearly fallen out with you. If you go chasing after your brother, making peace, building bridges and tolerating this kind of shitty treatment all you'll achieve is a total loss of self-respect. Does he have some kind of control over you? Money? Job? Do others in the family know what he's up to?

Smiling that you called your brother a wally, I use that word all the time.

Leave him to it, he is being a wally. Wrt your dc's birthday anyway. Try not to let it get to you.
My uncle still sees my dad, my parents divorced 30 years ago. It annoys my mum, but they're friends and have been for a long time, It's not in anyway to spite my mum.

Sorry that your brother is being a dick wally. Some people can't bear it when others are happy and would rather others were having a crappy time so that they can feel superior, or offer their wisdom etc. I can't understand why, but I have experienced it (albeit on a much milder level) with certain people in my life lately.

The only reason I can think of in my case is jealousy, not only because I have a happy, loving and fresh new relationship, but also because I spent more time with other people while I was single, but now I spend most of my free time with my DP. I try not to be 'that person' who dumps all their friends when they get a new man, but its inevitable that once you're in a relationship, your spare time is split. Could this be an issue for your brother?

Like others have said, its not really up to you whether or not you fall out with him, your DB has already made things difficult between you by his odd behaviour. If he would rather spend time with your ex than you, you're better off without him in your life, this doesn't need to be a big feud, just don't bother chasing him or changing to suit him.

If he truly loved you he would be happy for you and, while he may still see your ex, he would also be taking time to get to know your new man and spending time with you as a couple.

Ok giving the benefit of the doubt about your new man, has your DB met him and just didn't like him? If so, could there be any reasons for that?

Or is it that your DB's at heart a bit of a misogynist tosser who thinks that women should put up with all sorts of crap behaviour from men and he thinks your wanker ex is hard done by?

Either way, I'd confront it and state your views assertively, pointing out that your private life is actually none of his business. Doing this doesn't have to escalate into a 'falling out' it simply puts up a marker and a boundary.

Thanks for the moral support! DB hasn't met the new boyfriend so it's nothing personal against him, it appears to be the fact that I'm in a relationship at all that's bothering DB. Ex and my DB were friendly and went out together occasionally but since our separation last summer they haven't had any contact, or at least until yesterday (which happened to be the same day I'd invited DB to my DS's birthday tea).

I have no idea what is going on here! He is happily married and has his own DS so I don't think it's jealousy driven behaviour. I'm reluctant to talk to other family members as I don't want to drag them into the mess, I think my poor dad would find it very stressful to know DB and I are not on good terms.

I am quite cross that DB contacted my ex, the timing of just suggests that it wasn't because he's missing ex and seeking out his friendship, I think he is simply meddling in my life. I am sorely tempted to turn up at his house and confront him over his behaviour but I think this will just result in angry words. Perhaps I'm better off just ignoring him until he calms down about whatever it is that's made him so cross? Or should I send him a text telling him how hurt I am that he's trying to meet with ex when he should be supporting me? Aaaargh, stupid family dynamics!!

Unlike parents, siblings are pretty easy to avoid. I'm guessing you don't spend a lot of time visiting each other so it's probably no big deal if you distance yourself for a while. If you don't think it's just a coincidence (birthday party clashing with previous arrangement to meet your ex) and he's contacting your ex for effect then it would be a mistake to tell him he's hurt your feelings or annoyed you... because that's possibly the effect he's going for. Don't give him the satisfaction.

I would find a subtle way to get this to the rest of your family however. A man that chooses to hang out with someone who cheated on his own sister for 7 years and walk out on his own nephews/neices .... that's a pretty crappy excuse for a man. Family should always come first.