Why do I just attract toxic friends?

[HerLordship]

How do I go about finding decent ones?

I've recently bought a book about different types of toxic friend, and I can honestly say that every friend I have fits well into one or more of the categories.

My friends do things such as:

Always being too busy to see me despite having plenty of time to see other people. Cancelling plans in favour of other people. Telling me they are ill and then going out with other people

Expect unlimited support from me when they're having a bad time, expecting me to be outraged if anyone crosses them and to 'side' with them. Not giving me any support when I need it, and 'siding' with anyone except me. Recent example is a friend who has been very needy recently and who I've offered a lot of support to. The other day she was round here after school with her DD and my DD said a girl who isn't very pleasant in their class had hit her that day. Friend just sat there and said nothing, yet it if was her daughter that had been hit she would expect me to be outraged.

Behaving like a frenemy; nasty comments, cutting comments, little digs. Talking to me sometimes and not at others.

I probably have 10 friends and like I said they all seem to fit into categories in my book about toxic friends. I can't think that any bring anything to my life, they all just seem to use me.

[HerLordship]

Thank you Grinkly and brettgirl2

brettgirl, I think assessing them as to whether you like them is a really good idea. I will have to start doing that.

I've been pondering tonight, and have decided to leave the online group I mentioned earlier in the thread. I do feel that there are several people on there that do ignore me all the time. Everyone else seems to get on well, respects each other, and makes an effort for each other. There are several alpha female types that get all the attention. None of them bother with my Facebook photos or statuses yet they are all over each other. If I comment on their stuff I get ignored, or replied to as if I am a nuisance. I think they must pick up on my 'wanting to be liked'. Anyway, I figure that I don't have to see any of them in real life, so I will be leaving the group and deleting all bar two group members from my Facebook friends. I think it will help my self esteem in the long term, as I don't think they will ever change in how they treat me as they have got into a rut of scapegoating me in a way and just ignoring me. I'm ashamed to admit this but I even cried on Xmas morning this year when I put on pics of my children opening their presents, and not one of them commented or liked anything, yet they were all over each other and saying how lovely each others' kids were.

I love forums and meeting new people online, but I think I shall start afresh and join some other ones

[MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson]

I haven't got much to add to the excellent advice already given, OP, but just wanted to say I have felt the same way in the past, and have recently come to the conclusion that I would prefer to have no friends at all than a load of fake friends that don't treat me well. I always try to treat others as I wish to be treated myself. Unfortunately many people don't live by that rule and just seem to take pleasure in treading all over others.

I've really taken a step back from a lot of friendships lately, and I find if I do that, and give off an air of not giving a shit whether someone is my friend or not, people do seem more drawn to me. I am quite a self conscious person at times but I am working on not letting it show! People pick up on that kind of thing, and will use people that are like that, or bully them.

[MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson]

I just wanted to add that with regards to the ignoring on the group you go on, I would just ignore those people right back! In fact, I would make a point of being as chummy and as sickly sweet as possible to everyone else, and try to exclude those that have tried to exclude me.

[Grinkly]

when I first meet someone I start by assessing whether or not I like THEM rather than their opinion of me

Thanks for that Brettgirl - can't believe that it has never occurred to me to do that, just shows how ingrained the lack of confidence can be.

[Grinkly]

I've really taken a step back from a lot of friendships lately, and I find if I do that, and give off an air of not giving a shit whether someone is my friend or not, people do seem more drawn to me

Ha, MrsMange I can believe this is the case too.

Some useful advice for you Herlordship.

[Travel1234]

I think that everyone to some extent has gone through bad friendships.

Friends should be a support system that are willing to put you ahead of themselves when you need them to. If they are unwilling to do this for you, they are not a friend.

My suggestion would be to reflect on the relationships that you have valued throughout your life. Perhaps this is a familial relationship, a childhood friend, or a neighbor. What qualities did this person have that made you feel like the relationship was genuine? These qualities should apply to every friend you have in your life.

I would like to note that the "friendship game" is complicated, and that it's possible to have good, close friends while also feeling like other friends you have are one-sided. I would tap into the friendships that are a give and take and drop the friends that do not give you the time that you deserve. If you feel like any of the friends that are bothering you are worth keeping, I would talk to them. It is better to say something and have the relationship be a bit uncomfortable than to sit on festering, unpleasant feelings.

I really wish you the best of luck. Just remember that you have incredible self worth and that your friends should know that!

[Windmillwhirl]

We all know what red flags are. Ignore at your peril. Same for people that only attract abusive men. Stop giving second, third, fourth chances. It beggars belief the treatment some people ignore, gloss over or minimise. On some level you have to take responsibility for who you keep in your life

[ISawyouinTescoyesterday]

I usually attract users or people who are my friends for months then suddenly turn nasty and accuse me off stuff. I literally don't trust anyone anymore.