Why do I just attract toxic friends?

[HerLordship]

How do I go about finding decent ones?

I've recently bought a book about different types of toxic friend, and I can honestly say that every friend I have fits well into one or more of the categories.

My friends do things such as:

Always being too busy to see me despite having plenty of time to see other people. Cancelling plans in favour of other people. Telling me they are ill and then going out with other people

Expect unlimited support from me when they're having a bad time, expecting me to be outraged if anyone crosses them and to 'side' with them. Not giving me any support when I need it, and 'siding' with anyone except me. Recent example is a friend who has been very needy recently and who I've offered a lot of support to. The other day she was round here after school with her DD and my DD said a girl who isn't very pleasant in their class had hit her that day. Friend just sat there and said nothing, yet it if was her daughter that had been hit she would expect me to be outraged.

Behaving like a frenemy; nasty comments, cutting comments, little digs. Talking to me sometimes and not at others.

I probably have 10 friends and like I said they all seem to fit into categories in my book about toxic friends. I can't think that any bring anything to my life, they all just seem to use me.

[colditz]

Do you have to do what others say?

I understand what you are saying, it must have been very uncomfortable, but perhaps they knew something about the day she had had that you didn't know?

Maybe I am oblivious to all the pele who genuinely hate me, but I just don't seem to sense the waves of dislike from people that you seem to sense?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP you have read a book about toxic friends. May I suggest that you now read some books about boosting your self esteem and learning to be more assertive.

[HerLordship]

No I know I don't have to do what other say, but it was very awkward. I don't know what was going on with her, but I don't think there was any excuse for her behaviour really. However I think had I said Things back to her, they'd all have thought worse of me for replying than they did of her for being a cow in the first place. But I have no one in my life that would make excuses if I behaved badly and just overlook it. How they were with her kind of illustrates more how I described I feel in my first post

[badtime]

Is it possible that you think you don't deserve to be friends with the nice people? I know I do that sometimes. If there is someone I think is a bit of a pain, I have no problems calling them etc, as I am not bothered if they don't like me.

I think you need to start only being friends with people you actually like.

I struggle with actively trying to be friends with people (I was also bullied at school, but I have come to terms with the fact that most people won't get on with me particularly, but that's okay, as it would usually be the people I wouldn't particularly want to be friends with anyway).

[HerLordship]

I will do, Dione. I'm on a roll with self help books at the moment. Sort of....

Yes I think so bad time. Nice people always seem to have all the friends they could possibly want/need and have no room for others.

[badinage]

I was on another thread the other day about friends and one of the main problems the OP was having was trying to make friends in groups that were already established.

Getting to know people individually is often better; that way if you form a group you'll have lots of allies or if you join their established groups from time to time you know at least one person genuinely likes you.

What pools are you fishing in? If it's the playground, are there women you've never spoken to? What about a class or a hobby group? Women at work?

[something2say]

I can relate to a lot of this, and the phasing out of that phase of my life coincided with my feeling better about myself. It was like a seesaw, nicer friends who I'd had for years just outdid the less nice friends!

From what you have said, I would advise you to watch people's behaviour more closely prior to becoming friends. For example, you say you are nice and decent, yet you are friends with people who have slanging matches at the school gates. I used to be friends with someone who did things like that. I myself would not dream of doing so. The problem was, I dropped my standards and made friends with someone who is hurtful. I would have been better not getting in there in the first place.

You say you are a people pleaser, that isn't going to work with friends because it is basically a dishonest position.

[something2say]

I have found that taking time to make friends is also good, too much too soon smacks of desperation. Maximise the friends that do work, and be careful in future xx

[sweetpud]

I understand where you are coming from and it really does make you question yourself. I have two close female friends and both of these have let me down at times in the past and left me feeling hurt! I don't even see them that often anymore, just regular texts mostly, but hopefully if I needed them they would make an effort. Sometimes it seems like its out of sight, out of mind, and at other times with my oldest friend, it seems she contacts me only when she need something. I do know more males than females though, and maybe I get on better with them!

[LadyBigtoes]

I have a book recommendation for you OP - I'm so NOT a self-help book type but this book did absolute wonders for me.

A Woman In Your Own Right

[HerLordship]

Thanks all, and thank you ladybigtoes, I've just ordered that book on eBay!

[Fillyjonk75]

I would suggest trying not to worry about having friends at all or whether people like you and spending time getting to know yourself as a person, what you want to do for hobbies and work and building your self-esteem and self-confidence and becoming more content in yourself.

When you come across as happy in yourself and reasonably confident people gravitate to you, whereas if you are shy and defensive, or appear needy people tend to back away. Perhaps also book some sessions with a counsellor about the bullying at school and the relationship with your parents. Make sure you find the right one though and don't be afraid to change if it isn't working.

Also keep chatting and making online friends, it's a great way to practise for real life contact, you get more time to think before you communicate, and you can actually meet people in real life this way.

[HerLordship]

Good ideas, fillyjonk, thank you

[HerLordship]

Just thinking aloud really but what I also find is I make friends with people, but I never seem to move any further upwards in their valuation of our friendship. For example the friend I mentioned earlier has a group of good friends, and I am always second best to them, and on the outside. She won't talk to me if they are there, or if she's with me at the school and they come over then our chat is cut off.

[2rebecca]

In some of the posts you're sounding a bit needy and paranoid. I suspect you're trying too hard and not being discerning enough about who you are friends with. Also I think as you get older most people don't have loads of friends. the women I know with lots of friends always seem to be falling out with them so maybe it's the nature of women who surround themselves with friends that they fall out alot and don't take the friendship that seriously.
I'd get involved in clubs/ hobbies you enjoy and make friends through that, and stop viewing people as friends who will treat you badly. they aren't friends they're acquaintainces. most of us don't have many good friends. All mine live over 3 hours away and I'm not atypical of women of my generation who went to college then moved about a bit. I still have people locally I socialise with and am never bored (but can be antisocial and not want to go out much).
I think you need to accept that people not liking you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you as well. Some personalities don't get on. Most people have people they avoid. if you don't that's maybe how you've ended up with some dodgy friends.
It's upsetting if you really like someone and they don't like you, but I'd concentrate more on enjoying yourself and deciding what you want to do rather than seeing having a friend as a goal in itself. In general happy people who enjoy life and don't care if other people like them or not attract more people than those who try to find friends and fit in.

[HerLordship]

Thanks 2rebecca. Can you tell me where I sound needy and paranoid? I'm not being rude asking that, I am just interested, to help me see where I am going wrong :)

[colditz]

Ok, I'm going to be very honest here.

You sound needy and paranoid when you say that four people on an online parenting group ignored you. Most people would either not notice or not care. You sound needy and paranoid when you talk about a boy at high school saying "fuck off and die" - seriously, kids are vile sometimes, do you honestly think he was a nice boy who was provoked into irrational rage when he saw your face? Or is it more likely that he was generally an unpleasant little twat?

You seem to take things very personally, and most of the time, things are not personal to you, they are personal to the person doing it.

I have a very good friend like you, and she's lovely ... But she's tiring. Because I have to constantly reassure her that X isn't ignoring her, Mr so and so wasn't giving her bitchy looks, nobody cares if she said something a bit embarrasing at a party five years ago etc etc.

It is because you are so sensitive that you are a caring person who listens to your friends, but it is also the reason you are upset right now.

[HerLordship]

Thanks colditz. If the fuck off and die had been just that I think I'd have been fine with it, but combined with the other things I did find it hurtful and difficult to deal with

I agree I am sensitive, I find it hard not to be though....

[colditz]

I'm sure it was hurtful and difficult to deal with, but it was also a very long time ago. Sweetie, move on.

[Gintonic]

I started reading your thread because I have had quite a few toxic friends in my time. At points I have wondered what I have done to deserve them. But I have either ditched them or distanced myself. Nowadays I have 3 or 4 really good friends, but they live far away. I have lots of acquaintances who I enjoy meeting up with but they are not close friends at all.

If I can offer my perspective, I agree with the poster who said you are perhaps being over sensitive - I am not excusing the bad way people have treated you, but perhaps you are letting people push you around a bit, and assuming that people don't like you because they don't "stick up" for you?

For example, you mention the night out with the group of mums, one of them started slagging you off. I have known lots of people like this, basically their tactic to make themselves feel secure and popular in a new group is to pick on someone who seems less confident or different and try to turn the others against them. They do it to establish themselves as "queen bee".

The fact that others did not stick up for you does not mean they agree. If they don't know you well, why should they stick up for you? They were probably embarrassed. The best way to deal with someone like this is to make a joke of it or tell them they have had too much to drink and are being embarrassing. Then they realise you are not an easy target. Perhaps if you had persevered with that group you would have found out that the others thought the nasty one was a complete b*tch?

I am not saying it is easy - it isn't - but don't assume that everyone is like this or that you have to put up with horrible friends.

[HerLordship]

I guess I was just disappointed that not one of them pointed out her behaviour was appalling. Which it was, regardless of whatever her circumstances/problems are/were. Just for someone to say 'that's not very nice'. I know if I was in their situation on a night out I would hate the unfairness of it and would speak up, even if to say I didn't want to hear vitriol being spewed out constantly about someone.

I am sensitive, however I do seem to come across a lot of people that seem to take an instant dislike to me. I am quite quiet, maybe that's why? I try to be louder and more chatty but unless it's with someone I know well I just can't be.

I know I need to work at my self esteem and confidence, and also move forward and phase out some of the toxic friends. I spoke to DH at length about it all tonight and he, like many of you, cannot see why I have anything to do with them. I know deep down I am afraid of being left with no friends at all. To me, having no friends = failure/nasty person. I know that's not the case but I can't help feeling it

[badinage]

I don't think you're being unreasonable expecting the other women at that meal to say something in your defence. I can't abide people who stand back and fail to tackle bullying, which is what it was. But if something like that had happened to me, it would be the quickest and easiest decision that none of those people were worth friendship. This is perhaps what people mean by suggesting that you could be more discerning about the company you keep.

I really would stop trying to infiltrate established groups, try talking to other women on a one-to-one basis and start fishing in a bigger pool than the mum groups or sports teams.

What might really help if you start building up your confidence and assertiveness so that you can effect a different demeanour to the one you're probably showing right now. It sounds like you're attracting bullies who can literally smell your fear and neediness and are exploiting it to make them feel better about themselves. Bullies never even try that with women who have the air about them of not being messed with, so confidence and being self-assured is key, as is standing up for yourself and others when people are just plain rude and nasty.

[springyhop]

If you are being 'sensitive' then it is no wonder when you went through pure hell during your teens. You had an extremely bad time. Bullying absolutely destroys people. If someone had a physical injury that made them 'sensitive', everybody would understand it and allow for it. Your injuries are invisible but no less debilitating.

I would recommend therapy and also getting into the community of people who struggle with similar difficulties because of awful experiences in the past eg support groups. It is a huge community. imo of extreme bullying when I was young, I have had to do a lot of work to address the damage it did to me.

I am also sorry to say that bullying has followed me around, as it seems to have followed you around eg the netball coach (what a cow ) and the awful woman at the school gates and your pitifully horrid 'friends' who couldn't care less about you because they are rabid takers.

You say I've done so much for her/them - but why, when they are ignorant pigs? Being nice to people won't get them to like you, it just attracts bullies or ignorant takers who will bleed you dry and throw away the husk. Have you heard of the saying 'pearls before swine'? That's what you're doing when you lavish love, care and attention on people who totally don't deserve it because they have not given you a drop of the good stuff the entire time you've known them.

therapy was good for me in addressing the awful bullying I endured throughout my childhood. I am a changed person but it didn't happen overnight. I value myself and have a very low tolerance for shit. I truly would rather be alone than with the dismal people I tolerated as 'friends' but were nothing of the sort. Learning to properly love and value yourself is at the root of good friendships.

I found it very painful to read of the vicious bullying you endured when you were a child from your peers as well as your parents - who should have been in your corner at that very, very painful time but instead piled in with more bullying

[HerLordship]

Thank you badinage, springyhop, and readersdigestive.

badinage, I think you are right. I probably do give off an unconfident demeanor then I attract nasty people and people that are just out for what they can get. I totally agree about the bullying too. I just couldn't bring myself to be friends with any of the women any longer after none of them spoke up for me. I didn't want them to say much or make a huge scene, but basically just to tell the horrible woman to stop saying things or that they didn't want to hear her tripe.

springyhop, sorry to hear you went through bullying too. It's absolutely soul destroying isn't it? I think I shall have to look into some kind of therapy. I think my sensitivity comes from having to tread on eggshells all the time at school just to fit in and protect myself really. It's hard to get out of that mindset. I remember one girl at school who at the time I classed as one of my better friends, used to say things on Mondays like 'If you're nice at school this week and can prove you can be a real friend, I might let you come into town with me on Saturday' and I'd be all grateful that at least there was a chance I might be able to go. Then I'd watch as she'd openly invite other people, and I'd try really hard all week to be her friend, only to be told on the Friday afternoon that no, I couldn't go, but not to take it personally as she liked to have lots of friends, not just me!

readersdigestive, your description of some of the people that have attached themselves to you is exactly like the woman that got angry when I tried to phase her out! Wanting contact with me all the time, most days really, but only to talk about her and her problems and issues. Not caring at all if someone else has any problems and basically just wanting an audience for her car crash of a life!