Why do I just attract toxic friends?

[HerLordship]

How do I go about finding decent ones?

I've recently bought a book about different types of toxic friend, and I can honestly say that every friend I have fits well into one or more of the categories.

My friends do things such as:

Always being too busy to see me despite having plenty of time to see other people. Cancelling plans in favour of other people. Telling me they are ill and then going out with other people

Expect unlimited support from me when they're having a bad time, expecting me to be outraged if anyone crosses them and to 'side' with them. Not giving me any support when I need it, and 'siding' with anyone except me. Recent example is a friend who has been very needy recently and who I've offered a lot of support to. The other day she was round here after school with her DD and my DD said a girl who isn't very pleasant in their class had hit her that day. Friend just sat there and said nothing, yet it if was her daughter that had been hit she would expect me to be outraged.

Behaving like a frenemy; nasty comments, cutting comments, little digs. Talking to me sometimes and not at others.

I probably have 10 friends and like I said they all seem to fit into categories in my book about toxic friends. I can't think that any bring anything to my life, they all just seem to use me.

[ISawyouinTescoyesterday]

I usually attract users or people who are my friends for months then suddenly turn nasty and accuse me off stuff. I literally don't trust anyone anymore.

[Windmillwhirl]

We all know what red flags are. Ignore at your peril. Same for people that only attract abusive men. Stop giving second, third, fourth chances. It beggars belief the treatment some people ignore, gloss over or minimise. On some level you have to take responsibility for who you keep in your life

[Travel1234]

I think that everyone to some extent has gone through bad friendships.

Friends should be a support system that are willing to put you ahead of themselves when you need them to. If they are unwilling to do this for you, they are not a friend.

My suggestion would be to reflect on the relationships that you have valued throughout your life. Perhaps this is a familial relationship, a childhood friend, or a neighbor. What qualities did this person have that made you feel like the relationship was genuine? These qualities should apply to every friend you have in your life.

I would like to note that the "friendship game" is complicated, and that it's possible to have good, close friends while also feeling like other friends you have are one-sided. I would tap into the friendships that are a give and take and drop the friends that do not give you the time that you deserve. If you feel like any of the friends that are bothering you are worth keeping, I would talk to them. It is better to say something and have the relationship be a bit uncomfortable than to sit on festering, unpleasant feelings.

I really wish you the best of luck. Just remember that you have incredible self worth and that your friends should know that!

[Grinkly]

I've really taken a step back from a lot of friendships lately, and I find if I do that, and give off an air of not giving a shit whether someone is my friend or not, people do seem more drawn to me

Ha, MrsMange I can believe this is the case too.

Some useful advice for you Herlordship.

[Grinkly]

when I first meet someone I start by assessing whether or not I like THEM rather than their opinion of me

Thanks for that Brettgirl - can't believe that it has never occurred to me to do that, just shows how ingrained the lack of confidence can be.

[MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson]

I just wanted to add that with regards to the ignoring on the group you go on, I would just ignore those people right back! In fact, I would make a point of being as chummy and as sickly sweet as possible to everyone else, and try to exclude those that have tried to exclude me.

[MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson]

I haven't got much to add to the excellent advice already given, OP, but just wanted to say I have felt the same way in the past, and have recently come to the conclusion that I would prefer to have no friends at all than a load of fake friends that don't treat me well. I always try to treat others as I wish to be treated myself. Unfortunately many people don't live by that rule and just seem to take pleasure in treading all over others.

I've really taken a step back from a lot of friendships lately, and I find if I do that, and give off an air of not giving a shit whether someone is my friend or not, people do seem more drawn to me. I am quite a self conscious person at times but I am working on not letting it show! People pick up on that kind of thing, and will use people that are like that, or bully them.

[HerLordship]

Thank you Grinkly and brettgirl2

brettgirl, I think assessing them as to whether you like them is a really good idea. I will have to start doing that.

I've been pondering tonight, and have decided to leave the online group I mentioned earlier in the thread. I do feel that there are several people on there that do ignore me all the time. Everyone else seems to get on well, respects each other, and makes an effort for each other. There are several alpha female types that get all the attention. None of them bother with my Facebook photos or statuses yet they are all over each other. If I comment on their stuff I get ignored, or replied to as if I am a nuisance. I think they must pick up on my 'wanting to be liked'. Anyway, I figure that I don't have to see any of them in real life, so I will be leaving the group and deleting all bar two group members from my Facebook friends. I think it will help my self esteem in the long term, as I don't think they will ever change in how they treat me as they have got into a rut of scapegoating me in a way and just ignoring me. I'm ashamed to admit this but I even cried on Xmas morning this year when I put on pics of my children opening their presents, and not one of them commented or liked anything, yet they were all over each other and saying how lovely each others' kids were.

I love forums and meeting new people online, but I think I shall start afresh and join some other ones

[brettgirl2]

People probably see me as confident, when I first meet someone I start by assessing whether or not I like THEM rather than their opinion of me. If they don't like me that's fine their decision, and there are plenty more people out there. OP your friends are a nasty load of bitches and as for the ones who sat looking uncomfortable while that vile drunk woman mouthed off omg!!!

Please believe you deserve to meet some nice people.

[Grinkly]

I had an alcoholic parent and have always been desperate to be liked and respected (presumably because my parent certainly wasn't and I didn't want to be like them).

Now, older and wiser, and with an understanding why being liked was so important to me, I am no longer so desperate and am much more at ease with people.

[HerLordship]

Good points, pancake and rebecca!

[2rebecca]

I think if you are assertive then people who just want a sounding board not a friendship will go elsewhere. That's OK, they were never friends anyway. As long as you're not being needlessly abrupt when people are being nice then I wouldn't worry. If people are cool let them be, they may just be busy with other stuff, most of us have busy lives.

[Pancakeflipper]

Stop focusing on others. Honestly people are more wrapped up in themselves than looking at and judging you.
Concentrate on you. Don't sink under what you think your crap points are, balance them with good points.

[HerLordship]

I think the best tack is to just not care about whether people like me or not isn't it? I find I often care loads about whether people like me or not, then it has the opposite effect! A friend and I had words about a week ago, well not words really I just didn't agree with her, basically she wanted me to be there for her and hang on her every word but wasn't prepared to return the favour. Now I feel like she's ignoring me. I've been making an effort with her but she's being quite cold and off, so think I shall just stop bothering and let her come to me if she wants to be friends.

[BettyBlueBlue]

I think jealousy has a lot to do with friends turning into frenemies, Herlordship.

I always found it really hard to believe that anyone could be jealous of me, since, as I said, I came into this world as the typical "ugly duckling". But now I realise jealousy might have been a element in the equation.

I think it's important to develop a strong sense of self to keep jealousy at bay. If you come across as a bit insecure, unconfident, that's when the predators pounce at you.

As Pancake said, you become stronger by recognising your strong points, accepting your weak ones. And also, try to learn a lesson from every single experience in life to become stronger.

[Pancakeflipper]

None - I worked it our myself. But lots say that type of thing.
I firmly believe you need to like yourself first. It still can feel lonely and still hurt but it gets better and better. And then you handle the nastiness better. It doesn't sting as much.

I was bullied for 2 yrs in secondary school. When I stopped wanting the bullies to like me, for me to be their friend, I went off and was lonely for months then 2 other girls found me, who had kind hearts and couldn't give a stuff what others thought about then. They were more busy with having fun and couldn't be fake if they tried.

I think I got to age when I thought "well this is me. I like this bit. Others like this bit. I don't like this bit so going to sort that but I will be truer to myself". My good points outweigh my crap points.

Don't worry about them, they aren't worth it, sort yourself our then the rest will fall into step. And any let downs - you will deal with more positively.

[HerLordship]

Thank you pancake! Great advice! Hope you don't mind me asking, but which books have you read?

[Pancakeflipper]

You have to like yourself. Recognise your strongpoints and embrace them. Recognise the weak points and accept them and try to improve them. Then you will start to be the real you. The fake people pleaser (who in all honesty is painful to be around and not much fun) will disappear. You'll start slowly by making friendships on a 1:1 basis and enjoy them because they are real equal friendships.

Inner happiness/contentment radiates outwards. Those people are attractive to others. They seem fun, caring and not fake.

I have obviously eaten several self help books. Take small steps but become the real you.

[HerLordship]

I often think jealousy has a lot to answer for in female friendships, Betty. It sounds like the people that don't like you are jealous of you. You sound like a lovely person whose done lots of good things in life. Some people can't handle others having or doing things they haven't got or done.

I think the ex friend that I tried to phase out is definitely jealous of me. Lots of nasty little digs and snidey comments. I think most frenemy-types are just jealous.

[BettyBlueBlue]

Good luck, HerLorship! You sound like a nice, decent person. Don't lose faith in in those qualities you have or yourself as a human being. Lose faith in everybody else if you must, but never in you.

One other thing your OP got me thinking about, when I was very young, I was shy, very shy, not confident in any way. I was plain looking and didn't say much. I wasn't much of a threat to anybody. So everybody seemed to like more so to speak.

As I grew older, I started to look after my appearance, went to university, worked and studied abroad. Married, had two kids.

I think a lot of people don't like you to change or challenge their views of you. I know for sure now that I've done quite a lot with my life considering where I started, and lot of people might compete or perceive me as more of a threat to their egos because of that. Women friends, though really lovely, can be competitive and insecure at times. You need to watch out for those, and keep them at bay where possible.

All best :)

[HerLordship]

Thanks again everyone! Feeling much more positive today, even though FB chatty woman seems to be sulking. Oh well, she can get on with it as I'm not going to be her listening service again.

BettyBlueBlue, so sorry to hear you've had similar friends experiences. I'm the same in groups, the person that's left out or criticised, and I think you've raised a good point in that it's probably to do with us being our own person. I'm out at the moment and posting via my phone but I'll post later with the title and auther of the book I've been reading.

[BettyBlueBlue]

So much of what you say resonates with my experience of friends. I realised only recently that the three friends whom I always considered my "secure base" in life, were not really friends at all. Just people I knew for a long time.

It was a hard realisation and I'm still grieving their loss, but I learned my lesson. The problem is that I should have never considered them "good" friends, just old friends.

We tend to idealise friendship so much, always expecting to have a high level of fulfillment from them. I maybe we did for a while, but when things start to rot in the bond, it's best to let go.

I, like you, also feel that my friends never fully support me or endorse me. And when there's a group, you bet I'll be the one who's left out or criticised. I think a lot of it has to do with being an independent thinker, being your own person, never following the crowd blindly.

My heart goes out to you when I read your story of bullying in secondary school, the toddler group mums and the netball team.

I've had a bad experience of bullying as an adult at work, and even though I managed to move on from it, the psychological scar took very long to heal.

One excellent book I'm reading at the moment for women to learn to set boundaries and avoid the psychological predators in life is "Women who run with the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

I'd be interested to know which book you read on toxic friends. I'd like to read it too.

[springyhop]

the bottom line is....

FUCK EM

If they can't stick with you then forget it. they can go fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more

I'm not being as aggressive as I sound (just using a well-worn MN phrase!) but this is the bottom line. If people can't even hang around to talk about what's important to you ffs then FUCK EM. They're not worth the breath.

You, meanwhile, are worth a great deal. The sooner you get that, the sooner people will start respecting you and valuing your friendship - and the takers will fuck off to the far side etc. because there's nothing in it for them. BRAVO, I say - it's good to get rid of them as soon as. Good to know from the off what they're about - ie me, me, me

[springyhop]

oh absolutely! You've got it in one colditz

well done HerLordship! Jolly well BRAVO

[colditz]

I NEVER do what people say, never ever. Nobody hates me for it. I have a nice friend who occasionally tries to nag me into doing something with her that I would hate, such as going to an exercise class, and I say, really pretentiously, "But DAHHHHHHLING that sounds hideous, I'd much rather throw myself off a bridge. Is that what you want? Is it? Go with Sarah, she likes getting hot and bad tempered, I don't. Yuk yuk yuk. No."

And guess what? She has to live with it, because I am not fucking going to the gym with her. She either lives with it or she can lie on the floor and have a full scale tantrum, but I don't do things I don't want to do unless I am getting paid. The end.