No contact rule

[boyfromipinema]

I must admit this is the bit I find the most painful thing about a break up, even though I know it has to be done and I do adhere to it. It seems especially tough when the person you have broken up with lives relatively near by, even though it's not likely I'll bump into her. I've been in no contact for 4 weeks now since I was dumped by my ex. Most days I am fine as I know I couldn't really have said much when she broke up with me...I told her I loved her and wanted to work things out. But I think modern technology makes it so hard as it would be so easy to fire off a quick email or text. I also find myself making excuses for her. I was reading today about people who end relationships because they fear being dumped themselves. It started me on a chain of thought about whether I had given signs that I may have been unhappy. I then come up with examples of things she may have interpreted in this way and then start to convince myself that she really loved me and was scared I'd dump her first..and this makes me want to send her an email telling her I still and always did love her.
However during break up conversation she told me she didn't love me (but liked me) and she hasn't made any attempt to contact me in a month.
This anchors me back into reality and I don't send the email.
Dunno why I'm writing all this really? I'm a bloke using a mum's website seeking solace after a painful break up. Pathetic eh?

Just to add I was in a two year relationship which my ex ended for a fairly spurious reason which most people would probably find very odd. She then said she didn't think I was right for her and we weren't compatible.

No not pathetic...it's natural that you miss your partner and want things 'back to normal'. And it's natural to go over all the things you could/should have done etc etc etc. Do stick to the NC if you can. If she's made no contact with you in a month the chances are she's met someone else but didn't tell you. Try to distract yourself by doing things you didn't get to do much when you were together, catch up with friends you haven't seen for a while etc.

Yes, stick to no contact. Give yourself a target of a week then another week and so on. And keep busy. Exercise is good, tire yourself out. Time really helps.

"It started me on a chain of thought about whether I had given signs that I may have been unhappy"

One of the reasons you want to contact your ex is that you're not quite sure why it's over. You have a lot of unanswered questions and you're clutching at straws with the old 'fear being dumped themselves' thing. She's told you that she doesn't love you and you have to take that at face value as well as on the chin as the truth rather than keep hashing up what you might have done wrong, why things changed and blah blah blah.... tempting though it is to wallow in introspection. You may never fully find out why things ended. Like any other emotion love is not a rational thing where X +Y = Z.

So do maintain the stop in contact but, at the same time, get out there and fill your day with new stuff, new people and new activities. It's the only way to get past a break-up.

'Chances are she's met someone else'...God that hurts, though I know it's probably true (she was online dating days after the break up).
Though I love her still I know I could never get back with her as she has broken my trust and this is second time she has dumped me, the first rather cruelly. On that ocassion she ignored any attempt I made at reconcilliation, only to get back in touch with me 18 months later.
It doesn't change the fact that I still miss her and I just keep thinking about her all the time which is rather annoying and something I wish would just stop.

You're bound to think about someone that you've had a 2 year relationship with. But do keep reminding yourself about the shitty treatment she's doled out. Dumping you cruelly and then getting back in touch means she sees you as the 'Sure Thing'. Just has to snap her fingers and you come running. Demeaning I call it.

All of which is even more reason to make a big effort to do other things, be somewhere else, see other people. So that next time she's between boyfriends and snapping her fingers you can tell her to piss off..... you're busy.

you're right...wish I could hate her..even a little bit.

Getting angry about this will come but only once you start thinking you're worth better. Right now you think she's the best you can do and that it's better to be with a woman that treats you like crap than to be independent. So build your confidence, work on your self-esteem, develop your values & skills, set yourself challenges and goals, be with people that like you and make you feel good about yourself. Relocate if you have to.

You're right..for some reason I do feel like that, even though I don't have too many problems meeting women.
As far as being active and busy goes, I'm pretty good with that sort of stuff. What I do, that I know is not good for me, is ruminate too much about it. I have read stuff on internet about break ups and come on here, as well as reading a self help book (which I've never done before). All great advice, but sometimes I think it also keeps the whole situation in the present and in my mind.

Exactly! So off you go.... Stop navel gazing and go climb a mountain instead.

boy your post made my heart lurch.

I ended my relationship at the same time for the same(ish) reasons.
There was no OM waiting in the wings and I've left him alone, not because I'm cold or don't care (I do) but because I felt I should. To have contacted him when I'm missing him would have been selfish and perhaps your ex has realised that she's hurt you (again) and knows she has to let you go.

I'm curious though. How did you know she's OD again? I ask because soon after we split I went online to see his picture - I may have ended the relationship but I'm grieving too. Grief makes people do all sorts of mad things boy.

I hope another perspective on your situation helps. It will get better.

I suspected she might have done as she used to do it before we met. I simply went onto one of the sites and saw her on it.
I have to say it bloody hurt.

Curiosity killed the cat.
Got myself to blame really for looking. :-(

Perhaps she never came off it OP. Both me and my ex met on site and our profiles were never completely removed!

I think you were doing what I did. Part of me wanted to see if he had gone straight onto a site again. I don't know whether he did or not but I'd have been really upset if he had, because he'd done it before too.

Thing is she did tell you why she wanted to part. It sounds as though you struggled to understand where she was coming from. But there are always signs that things aren't right.

xpost, yes my point exactly and I'd be feeling like you if I were in your shoes. So I guess we both better not look!!

I also wanted to say FWIW that it is the hardest thing to love someone who has left. It's natural (though not always helpful) to do the post mortem thing. We all do it though and it isn't easy to just move on, god knows this board would be 99% less busy if it were the case that we all just switched off our feelings.

What would your bloke mates say?

She did tell me so she was honest. I can't knock her for that. It's just a tough pill to swallow as things had seemed fine. Had a nice Christmas together. Bit of a shock. My fault though as I took her back and she had hurt me before. Guess I'm an old romantic when it comes to it.

Yes, well, romance is what it is boy. It's wonderful and exciting and all that. But it needs to evolve into something more solid, real and mutually satisfying doesn't it?

Yes I agree, which is why I'm maintaining my no contact rule as anything else with this woman would simply be flogging a dead horse for me and a big ego boost for her. She made her position clear. As heartbroken as I am I'm also a realist. I have rode off into the sunset and she will never hear the clink of my spurs or see the glint in
my eye again. I'll save that for someone special.

Good for you .

It must be very hard when you feel you haven't had closure, but I think in these situations the best thing to do would be to accept what she has told you and try and move on. Just because she hasn't contacted you it doesn't mean she's with someone else, if you've broken up then sadly for you she has no reason to contact you. You may get past this and end up on friendly terms, but it means riding this tough bit out first.

Do you have any friends you could talk to about this? Could you get away for a few days somewhere, perhaps visit a friend and clear your head a bit?

I've completely accepted what she has told me and I have respected her decision and left her in peace.
It's not closure I need, just something to heal this old heart of mine.