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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Backstabbing mother

6 replies

dampsponge · 05/03/2013 23:42

Sorry this is long and quite ranty. I swear could write a book on this woman.

So I found out off my younger brother that my mother has been bitching about me behind my back all while being nice to my face. Now I always knew she was a two-faced cow as she does this with everyone. She's the sort of person who hasn't a nice thing to say about anyone. So all this doesn't really surprise me but it's just pissing me off all the same.
I'm pissed off at the fact I have to put up with her and play happy families while she slags me off to family and neighbours or anyone who will listen.

She says I'm lazy and clumsy. Tbh I'm 36 weeks pregnant with my second and pretty fucking knackered at the moment. I suffer with sleeping problems but I'm certainly not lazy. Bit rich coming from a woman who actually does nothing but sit in front of the tv all day every day watching Jeremy Kyle and Home & Away (she even has her own massive ass groove in the sofa). She wont work and complains she can't get benefits (my dad works).

My house is either too clean or filthy. Her house is covered in cat piss!
Anything I buy is a "waste of money".

Apparently I can't be trusted with anything. Say if I'm borrowing a DVD off someone she'll tell them not to trust me because I'll destroy it. Confused
I'm also a bad mother to my 2 year old and can't look after him properly and I wont be able to manage a second child.
My OH will be going back to work probably a day or two after I come home with baby. This witch thinks this means she can come round to my house every day when he's not here and take over.

She hates my OH. He's never given her a reason to. She's also been slagging him off calling him all sorts of horrible things. Saying how him going back to work is neglecting his family and new baby.

The latest is she's been taking money off my brother claiming she was giving it to me for some sort of baby-related emergency (and telling him to say nothing to me about it for fear of embarassing me). All a load of bullshit. She's been keeping the money for herself.

She's been trying to keep myself and my brother separate. We're quite close to each other. Him and my OH get on great together and she seems to hate that. She doesn't know we communicate online a lot. She's been saying things to him to try turn him against me, tells him not to hang around me, not to tell me anything etc etc. I honestly don't know why she is like this. We're not fucking criminals.

Myself, OH and my brother were out together yesterday. Mumsie flew into a panic about this when she found out. As soon as my brother got in the door she was giving him the 3rd degree. Why was he with us? Where did he go? What did we do? What were we talking about? Then off with the slagging again.
Then the next minute she's smugly talking about mothers day and "what will they get me?". A big fat NOTHING is what.

To my face she's all nicey-nice and going on about the new baby and how excited she is. I would love to just cut her out for good but I can't because then there's my brother and my dad (who is under the thumb) and I'm still close to them. Cutting her off would probably mean not seeing them anymore either.
It doesn't help we live quite close to each other so avoiding her would be very hard. I actually have to pass her house most of the time.

My brain is just fried from all this. Seriously how do you deal with someone like this? Part of me was hoping she might've changed a bit, at least towards me but obviously not!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2013 07:21

You realise you're on shaky moral ground to complain about someone who backstabs.... by slagging them off behind their back here?

Sounds like the pair of you need to have an honest face-to-face conversation with each other, air your grievances, get it out in the open and stop 'playing happy families'.

HecateWhoopass · 06/03/2013 07:29

I would get everyone together, including her, and lay out all the lies she's told. And put everyone straight. In front of her.

Your brother also needs to stop allowing her to talk like this. "Stop it. I love my sister, I don't want to hear this."

Why is she unchallenged?

You don't HAVE to be nice or play happy families. You can tell her that you know and that you are pissed off.

If she chooses to cut you out, then that's not something you have control over, but it doesn't mean you have to pretend she's not doing it. It means that you have to be prepared to accept her tantrums.

And if she slags everyone off all the time to everyone - the neighbours will have her measure anyway.

I have known people like her and I have been under no illusions.

You have to choose whether you place more importance on keeping the peace or on attempting to stop her behaviour. I don't think you can have both.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 06/03/2013 07:52

Cogito, what a stupid thing to say. There's a huge difference between anonymous venting and advice seeking, and telling people who know you that you're a lazy, bad person.

And I don't think it would do a damn bit of good to sit down and talk with this woman. She's toxic. Talking to the brother, yes, but not the mother.

Walkacrossthesand · 06/03/2013 08:01

OP, is your mum ever critical to your face about you, or is she only critical about people (not just you) behind their back (I'm thinking Catherine Tates grandma character, 'worra fucking liberty!!) ? Is she critical of your DB to you? I'm a bit Hmm that your DB is relaying all this to you with a bit of relish. Surely, if she says bad stuff to him that he knows she doesn't say to you, he's the one who can challenge her about it, and vice versa.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/03/2013 08:02

I agree with Katy. I dont see the OP as backstabbing. Just really hurt and fed up.

And there really is no point confronting her. She will just turn it all round and make out that you are attacking her and isnt it awful.

Tell your brother that he should check with you before believing any of her nonsense again. Spend more time with him so he will realise its her being the two faced liar.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 08:52

If the OP is backstabbing then everyone who posts on this board is.

I've a mum like this. The thing where she tries to control your personal relationships with other family members through her. It's called triangulation and it's classic behaviour in toxic, controlling parents.

Haven't got time to post much now but will have a look back later but your Mum sounds thoroughly toxic.

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