I need a clip round the ear please

[Cinghiale]

Have name changed for this. My husband left me very recently for another woman. We have young children, I've stayed in the family home while he goes off to set up home with her and her children.

I haven't been as floored by it as I 'should' have been, because I knew a while ago that he'd been shagging someone and we were trying to work on it (or I was - genuinely). Now when I examine my thoughts I feel nothing so much as relief and release that I can move on after a hideous limbo.

This weekend he had the kids and I went to a friend's party. I went to it simply in order to catch up with friends, had a very pleasant evening, and very near the end of the night got chatting with a man who seemed really friendly. We clicked and were chatting about this and that, it all started to feel excitingly like we might be mutually attracted.

To cut a long story short, I spent the night with him (no penetration but really everything else). It was completely lovely - like a revelation after 15 years of sleeping with the same man and suddenly finding that you've actually had shit sex almost all that time. This guy was amazing.

And, of course, he was married with children. I knew this before we did anything. In my teeny tiny defence, I did protest that I couldn't go to bed with him because he was married but evidently it was a hollow protest (though it's why we didn't have penetrative sex).

I feel on one hand so 'up' as a result of the experience because a) it's a huge ego boost to find you can pull someone physically attractive after being cheated on and b) the sex was so good and exciting, but I feel quite ashamed of doing this in full knowledge of the existence of wife and children, just for the ego stroke, and frankly worried that I could end up doing it again if the circumstances arose (not with him; we won't meet again, but with anyone else who presents himself and is willing enough to flatter me for a bit).

Please give me a talking to and if possible suggest some thought patterns that will help me learn from it. I can't confide this to friends because they'd be appalled I could do it after what has happened in my family. It's not OK at all to have done this, is it?

No, it isn't OK, and I hope that no third parties know that you and he went off together.

And you do need to ensure you sever contact with him, and do not put yourself on a situation when you might end up alone with him. He might be a better lover, but he's prepared to cheat on his wife and the very last thing you need is another betrayer in your life right now.

The positive message is the realisation of how much better a man can be than your ex, even in the extremely limited definition of physical stimulation. And the realisation you can still feel attraction.

Whether it would be right for you to be looking to form a new relationship when on the rebound is up to you, but I'd say it's unlikely. A Mr Unavailable may have been fleetingly attractive for precisely the reason that he is unavailable.

Don't rush into dating, but when you do start, you do have the knowledge that you will be able to respond. Just don't confuse the unreal bubble of an illicit encounter with the process of a real relationship.

Apart from not shitting on another woman the way it was done to you, it's no ego boost to bag a married shagger is it? They aren't the most discriminating operators in the world of one night-stands and all they are looking for is someone who'll say 'yes' and who won't cause any trouble after the event.

You had sex and just because it wasn't penetrative means nowt. His wife wouldn't appreciate the difference and in fact might feel worse about more intimate acts that took place.

Best to dust yourself down and promise never to go there again. It's not too surprising that it felt good to be fancied and desired again after the rough ride you've had and in fact it might do you the world of good to have a few no-strings attached sex partners, but only the single ones from now on. You know what it felt like to be deceived - don't ever help some bloke do that to another woman and her kids. If you value your integrity and honesty, it will ruin your self-esteem if it happens again, especially once you realise it's not the ego-boost you thought it was.

No penetrative sex is still sex

What the fuck do you think you are doing ?

IMO, you behaved really badly.
You should go out and find someone who isn't attached for some sex now you've discovered how nice it can be.

OP - You fell for the oldest trick in the world! He knew that you were vulnerable and would respond to attention and flattery! He'd have had full penetrative sex, probably, unless he has an STI and had no condoms. Hope that you washed your hands (and mouth?) afterwards! Don't fall for it again with ANYONE! Feel very sorry for his wife,

Cinghiale

If you have frequented the relationship that you indeed know that you will get what you asked for "a talking to" from so many other women (including yourself) who have had their lives and families implode as a result of adultery over the next little while.

But what seems puzzling is that you are "worried that I could end up doing it again, just for the ego stroke (with someone else).

Are you worried that you may do it again with a married man or worried that you in a place where your ego and esteem is sufficiently low that you feel vulnerable to end up in bed with someone (single or married) that you will then regret and feel worse than before?

I think you are saying the former, in which case if you feel you would (safely) enjoy no strings sex then I am sure there are inumerable ways to meet single men (online, bars etc) who would be happy to oblige.

If you are saying the later then cliched as it sounds you need to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem slowly by being kind to yourself until you are in a place where you might try and meet someone for a regular dating relationship.

There is simply no reason, no excuse and - as far as I can see - no attraction in 'doing it again' with someone else who is married. Taking away the very real issue of simple moral decency, what would be in it for you? A deceitful and flawed man who at best will slink off back to his family and at worst a 'secret' that will come out and as you outline from your inability not to tell RL friends and family and shatter your already fragmented (from your separation) social circle and enable you to live up to the 1960's cliche of a divorced woman on the prowl for someone else's husbands.

Assuming your post is genuine, you know this is wrong, and whilst I am sure MN will tell you this till they are blue in the face, like most things in life, you need to take responsibility and place a clear marker in the sand as to the type of person that you wish to be, how you might wish to live your life and what you stand for. The fact that you have been cheated on does not give you special license to cheat back. But I think you already know that.

I really am grateful for your replies, and am taking each comment on board as there are some very important points.

I think I have had low self esteem in the past and though it's actually not something the split has made worse, I need to address it to ensure I am not so pathetically grateful for any attention that I do the same again. The comment about not needing another cheater in my life is bang on. As is the one about never being complicit about letting it happen to another wife and child.

I am sure that no one knows about it, and also that he didn't know my situation so he wasn't targeting a vulnerable woman (in his eyes), therefore I guess I helped let it happen.

It's not a comfortable feeling and I desperately want to make sure I do rewrite my rules to be watertight against cheaters.

Thanks again.

Shag single men.

In the aftermath of discovering my DHs emotional affair,no penetrative sex but months of lying by omission and deceit I was completely 'floored' and at times my confidence and self esteem were rock bottom.He / it made me feel old ,washed up and incredibly sad and in need of an ego boost for sure.
Not any more.We stayed together and worked things through and now I feel strong and bloody marvellous tbh.
However several months ago I ran into an former work associate of DHs who I had always got on very well with,and who many years ago had declared strong feelings for me.Nothing happened then and nothing will happen now.He gave me his number and asked to meet 'just for coffee'.I confess I kept the number for a couple of months ,and was very tempted and flattered briefly but realise now because I still felt empty and hurt.I deleted the number.
Why?Because my DH has moved heaven and earth to repair the damage he did,but most importantly he has a wife and family and I know that.And I know for a fact even one meet up for coffee he would not tell his wife about it.I just know it.I never want any woman married or attached to feel a fraction of what I felt,about secrecy and deceit - physical or otherwise.
Glad to hear you are re-writing your rules and good luck enjoying yourself with honest, single men.