DP was looking for escorts to 'get back at me'

[SurLaLune]

I found his internet history full of sites for escorts yesterday. There's no recovering anything after this, really, is there?

We'd had a big argument at the weekend, after which he said he was sick of me and of us fighting and wanted to split up; however, he later said he wanted to try and work on our relationship and we were trying to patch things over.

He says he was so angry following the argument that he went and looked at Adultwork profiles and was considering paying for sex just so he could tell me he'd done it, knowing it would be a dealbreaker for me, and so it would mean a very clear, final break-up - but then he reconsidered, realised he loved me and didn't go ahead with contacting any escorts. But clearly forgot about his browsing history. On the one hand, I want to believe him - his behaviour can be impulsive when angry. On the other hand, I don't think I'll be able to trust him again and would always worry every time things were tricky or we'd fallen out that he was off out buying sex. Part of me wants to forgive him and accept that he chose not to go ahead so didn't actually do anything so very bad, only looked at some profiles; part of me just wants to leave with my self respect intact.

Earlier today he was in tears, saying he loves me so much, has been an utter idiot, can't bear to lose me, wants me to forgive him, he'll go for counselling and he'll never do it again. I've said I want some space to think and sort my head out and have taken my things into the spare room. Since then he's seemed a bit more distant - as though he's annoyed I won't accept his apology, give instant forgiveness and let life carry on as normal.

I shouldn't even have to think about it, I know, he's betrayed me disgustingly, and I should say I want us over for good. But he's my best friend and I love him. And despite my hurt, shock and disappointment I think what I really want him to be doing is begging outside my door for me to take him back and telling me that he wants me. That he did that only very briefly but had now stopped bothering is almost as hurtful as his betrayal. That makes me sound so self-centred and princessy :( I'm sorry.

I think getting my feelings into words has been a relief. I think I'm just in need of a bit of hand-holding to help give me the strength I need to reach what I know deep down is the right decision.

Sending hugs OP. And you certainly don't sound princessy or self-centred so no need to apologise at all. Is there someone in RL you can talk to? I'm afraid his story doesn't sound even remotely plausible. He was looking at escorts because he either sleeps with them regularly or he will do so in the future. You deserve better! However, relationships are complicated and it's up to you where you go from here. I'm sure there'll be lots of others along to offer there support. Take care of yourself. Men really are twats aren't they?

Um, hate to say it but if he were in any way a worthwhile person, paying for sex should be a dealbreaker for him.

Says a lot (and none of it good) that that's his first idea of how to do something to really hurt you. With seemingly no inkling that the reason it would be a dealbreaker for you would be because it meant that he was a vile disgusting misogynist pig.

He seems to be ok with that part of it.

He's telling you who he is, so listen and dump him.

Thank-you.

He knows how I feel about paying for sex and the sex industry and men who feel entitled to buy a woman's body for their own pleasure. That's why he thought it would be the ultimate thing to hurt me with, I 'm sure.

I think I'm struggling with him not actually having gone through with it - that perhaps I can convince myself that this means he's not done anything wrong and carry on together.

But then I remember that he doesn't seem to think I'm worth the effort or bother of begging forgiveness and trying to talk to.

They always cry when they get found out.

Even assuming his story is true, the fact that after the argument he set out to try and hurt you is a red flag IMO.

I do believe that people reveal themselves during arguments.
If they can still be loving, although annoyed or angry, is a good sign.
If they try to hurt the other, it can only get worse. :(

Why are you giving this tool any more headspace ?

Just dump his sorry arse

How could you ever respect a man like this again? Playing stupid games to hurt you ?

These are the actions of a man that is supposed to love you

I have heard little as childish and pathetic as this...you are correct, there is no going back and if you do, you are as stupid as he is.

Since then he's seemed a bit more distant - as though he's annoyed I won't accept his apology, give instant forgiveness and let life carry on as normal

This shows you the worth of his tears, doesn't it?

Get wise, honey. Twats like your h only shed the crocodile variety and are about as likely to change their spots as a leopard.

How old is the internet history you refer to? I somehow doubt he came across the Adultwork site after last weekend's quarrel.

What an odd and nasty thing for him to do god knows what's going on in that head for him to jump onto AW after an argument.

If you do decide to make up, op, won't you be worried about having disagreements in the future if the way he reacts is to buy sex?

Did he tell you that's why he did it after you found his browsing history?

Yeah right

It's far more likely that he's been using prostitutes for a long time, got careless with his history deleting and this is just the first time you've found it.

Find out his user name and password and search the site for earlier activity. Ask him to give you his credit card and bank statements for the past year or so while you're at it.

No-one behaves like this after an ordinary row. Would you have thought to yourself after your row "Ooh I know. I'll start browsing a sex site that I've never heard of or used before and look up blokes to buy. That'll teach him a lesson."

Wake up and see this for what it is.

I agree, if you confronted him about what you found and he was racking his brains for an excuse, blaming it on a row would seem a perfect choice.

How convenient for him.