I have a question about online dating

[FrazzleRock]

Right, so I'm pretty certain I don't have anything on my profile which suggests I only want to meet someone for sex. My profile isn't terribly exciting but it's far from boring. I have good grammar and punctuation and I don't use text speak My photos aren't provocative either.

So why oh why oh why do I seem to meet the kind of men who are looking for one night stands and not a relationship? It happens time and time again.

I'm 80% certain the latest one might be after that sort of thing as well.
I just can't be arsed with it all anymore. I spend loads on babysitters so I can go out and always pay half for meals/drinks. It all adds up. It'd just be nice to know from the very beginning that sex is all they want!

I'm clearly missing the clues. Do you know what they are? I've been doing this long enough I should know by now!

Do you communicate with them before meeting? Is the conversation/text/e-mail very flirty?

I think it makes a difference if you are on the likes of POF or one of the sites you pay for. From what friends have said the people on the free sites generally are opportunists after a shag, the ones who pay for the sites seem to be more serious.

I used to use the sites and found myself in the same position as you, my messages were not flirty and I was always upfront about what I wanted. I tried both free and paid sites but met people like it on both. It got me down after a while but I do know people who have had success stories so it can't all be bad!

I met current boyfriend through pof. We were discussing this on the weekend. He said its all in the messages sent prior to meeting. He had one sex first date never seen before encounter before meeting me - he said it was obvious from her messages, yet my messages it were obvious I wasn't looking for that. I've never met someone in three years that expected shag on first date but then again I tend to do long conversations for a couple of weeks first, and make my intent known.

Exactly what sar said.
Tried both Match and POF (horrendous!) and currently on OkCupid. Mostly the same types. Messages aren't hugely flirtatious and I tend to speak to them by text/email everyday for at least 7-10 days before we meet. Sometimes a lot longer. I think I make it known I'm not into just sex.
For instance, the current one asked me about past dates. I mentioned just one of them who was clearly just after a one night stand, then I said something along the lines of "I got rid of that one after realising".
He still wanted a second date so maybe I should give this one a chance but my gut feeling is that he's also after one thing. I could be wrong but I doubt it...

It's not you. I suspect the majority of men who are OD are not looking for a relationship - some just want to chat and never meet, some just want a woman's company for drinks or dinner, and a lot are just after a ONS. They kid themselves that if the 'right' woman came along they might consider a relationship, but I think that's BS.

I found that it makes little difference what approach you take, whether you're flirty or downright prudish, if you have photos with a little cleavage, or ones with a roll neck jumper, you still get the same attitude from those men.

It took me 3 years to meet 1 man who didn't expect sex on the first date, and dump me when he didn't get it. I may have been unluckier than some, but it does show there are an awful lot of men out there just looking for one thing!

When I asked about flirting my question was really directed at the communication from the men rather than anything the OP has said or done. Do they write/text/talk in a suggestive manner? What's making you think they're only out for a shag?

I was very lucky in my online dating experience, I think.

I met my husband on a "free" site. He was a fully paid up member but I wasn't. We emailed for a month. Talked on the phone for a few weeks, then met up half way between our respective homes (80) mile journey. We went out for 5 months.... Lunch/dinner/cinema/coffee and shopping. Because we could only meet up every other weekend when my 5yr old was with his dad, it made it a long courtship. In all that time it was just friendship. After about 4 months he said "I think you don't see me as a relationship, more of a friendship". He was wrong but I'm glad he was so patient with me.

We were married 4 years ago. I have never, ever been so happy in a relationship, ever, in my life. He says the same.

Just lucky, I guess.

OP, it's not you. I went online because there were men in my "everyday" life who asked me out but with one thing only in mind. I wanted a friend first and then see what happened. I agree with you, it's a minefield "out there".

I used OK Cupid (free) and experienced a fair share of flirting/sexting/NSA sex/enquiries if I was looking for a slave etc etc. Then a few obviously married. Few strange messages from people based thousands of miles away - maybe looking for pen friends or something like that? But there were also a fair number of genuine guys I'd say. I think you can tell. Anyone whose opening gambit is 'Hi sexy' is a waste of time. Also, don't have anything to do with anyone who doesn't put up a photo of themselves on the site itself. Arrange first date to be a coffee in the afternoon...that weeds out anyone wanting to meet in a hotel, get you drunk and shag you for one night. I've also spoken to guys who complain that women on OD are looking for sex and not relationships! ha ha...as if we would!

Okcupid was the site my husband used and having read his profile the fact that he was married with 4 kids didn't jump out from the page.
Have you considered using an introduction agency instead, quite steep I believe but they do filter out the crap as best anyone can.

I met my DP on POF, after a few dates with other genuine nice, guys, none of whom seemed to be after sex straight away. I never got into long conversations beforehand, so I didn't waste time and energy becoming attached to unsuitable men or flirting by text etc, just a brief intro, shall we meet for a coffee etc and within a week you know if they're any good or not.

I think it helps if you do the choosing (I hid my profile so I didn't get messages from anyone I hadn't chosen first) and I agree with coffee dates rather than full-on evening/drinks/dinner etc.

Saying that, when I met DP, we started off with drinks in the evening, got on really well so stayed for dinner and then ended up getting a bit drunk and having a great night, staying out til 4am! But because we had both sussed each other out beforehand and knew we had lots in common, we knew it wasn't a one-off, it was the start of something amazing.

Not sure there are any giveaway signs. I suppose a cynic would say, if they're male, they probably just want sex if they can get it! But actually I think if they found the right woman, they would be happy to stick with her rather than keep looking elsewhere. As with meeting anyone, whether OD or RL, there will be those who are out for what they can get and those who are more giving, but its just chance whether you stumble across the right ones!