Feeling sad, am I so disliked?

[sweetpud]

Today I am feeling very low and im not sure how to get out of this. To cut it short,I have a feeling that people don't want to spend much time with me and its starting to make me think that maybe I'm not a nice person after all. I lost my mum a couple of years ago and then my dad a year later, and it was a difficult time for me but even though we are not a very close family, I see my brother and sister-in-law about every 2 months or so. The contact became more important to me because they have a 4 year old son ( he was only young when my dad passed ),so it helped me to spend time with them all, and get sent the odd photo etc. My husband has a very strong bond with our nephew, they used to be just like best friends, and we go and have a one night stop over maybe once every 5 months or so, as they live some distance away. My brother is always busy, so you have to generally make an appointment to go visit and most times it is just for the day anyway. They do visit us aswell but will never stay over, there is always some reason not too. Last year they came visiting the area for a weekend and stayed in the next town. It was a bit embarrassing telling my friends that they were not actually staying at our house, but were a couple of miles down the road! We have had one short break with them, just after my mum passed, so wasn't really a good time for any of us. My husband keeps asking when we can all go away again as a family, as they have a holiday home in Greece, and there seems to be excuses each time. We tried to arrange a holiday and overlap a day or two last year, as they had a weeks holiday just before we did, but oddly they couldn't get certain day return flights home cheap enough, so we arrived late one evening and they went home the next morning! The usual things are said like we will do something next time but doesn't happen. They went away for Christmas and just before they went said, "oh you should have come with us", its really good, I thought to myself we wern't asked! When we last visited them we asked if they fancied a couple of days away in Greece and my brother seemed keen but when he asked my sister in law, she said well we will have to see because she has to arrange things at work, which I fully understood. They came here for a visit a couple of weeks ago and told us they are having a short holiday in France next week, taking my sister in laws parents, then they are away for easter with all her family. They have then booked a weeks holiday in Greece, and get back the weekend my husband and I go on a short break by ourselves, so they must have sorted work but decided not to suggest the trip after all. It wasn't even mentioned to us even though we had asked. When they told me all this last week, it put me on a downer, and I didn't tell my husband it all until they had gone home, I feel so upset, and just want to keep crying over it all. They even said to come to theirs in a couple of months and we will have a night out, but it felt like a consolation prize! They live right by all her family and my nephew sees them all the time, they have many breaks and holidays together, so it makes me wonder, My husband is a lovely, kind and caring man, does anything to help everyone so I am thinking it must be me and I don't know how to deal with this now, I feel so sad as I'm left wondering what is wrong with me. It not as if this is all a recent thing as simillar things have happened in the past aswell. I don't know what to do as its not exactly going to go away, and I feel there is no one to talk to or advise me., I always thought that I was a kind hearted person, who got on ok with most people, but its made me question myself. Please advise me as I'm so torn that I don't really want to visit again that soon, especially if we are only tolerated for a short time. I feel ashamed aswell because my husband thinks its odd, and thinks that maybe they don't like either of us that much! Please, what do I do?

Be happy with who you are. Other people can be weird, even ones we love. You can't choose your family.

Just because one set of people are like this doesn't mean you are disliked. I'm a bit confused when you say your husband and the nephew are 'like best friends' but yet you only see them every 5 months?

I think you should just accept it and maybe spread your net wider. There will always be people you get on better with. Try not to take it so personally..

awww

Its not you OP, its them

I read you are orphaned, and I think you really want to cement your family with your brother. But looks like he is lazy, and his wife is not as bothered as she has her own family

Its not you, its them being a bit crap

focus on your lovely DH and friends, and dont see it as a slur on you x

My husband is a lovely, kind and caring man

Think about it, why would he want to be with someone difficult, odd or unpleasant? you're none of those things! You have friends, unfortunately sometimes in life our friends are more dependable than family.

Honestly, I say this with love, don't ever waste time figuring out why other people behave thoughtlessly, rudely or unkindly. SIL is maybe a different peronality type, she and DB have their own circle of friends, she thinks you have DH and doesn't get why she should have to include you and yours in any treats. You can still keep in touch, still send DNephew little presents or souvenirs, but don't dwell on what you can't change.

Do make new friends, brush off any lingering hurts or slights and hereafter, any interaction you have with DB and his family will be a bonus.

Perhaps your SIL and Brother don't have much time in their own due to other commitments and so there are certain times that they want to be just them?

Our little family love meeting up with people but DH works away a lot, and sometimes we just need the time on our own.

Maybe they are just not that good at explaining this?

Completely agree with Iwillorderthe food, If they are very busy they maybe want to spend holiday time with just immediate family. TBH, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with any of my ILs or my DB and his family as it would take too much effort. ( ) very honest indeed!

I'm sure it's nothing personal as well. It sounds as if they spend allot of breaks and holidays with other people (who may not take no for an answer as graciously as you and your DH) and perhaps they are just trying to have a bit of time alone.

My ILs have a home abroad which they spend about 3 months a year at, and are constantly asking us when we are going to join them. DH and i love the sun and flying abroad but have never accepted their offer because we don't want our one annual holiday to be a 'share with the parents' one. They are lovely people and we like their company - but i'm sure my MIL thinks it's me just being stand offish but that isnt the case at all.

Sounds like it is nothing personal, but SIL has a big family of her own, so sadly probably doesn't need you in her life as much as you need her. Can you talk to your db or sil or both about how you feel? Even if it is embarrassing, could be worth it if they then becomes more considerate.
Xx

Thank you everyone for leaving me some replies, it helps me to mull it all over in my head. We wouldn't expect to spend more time and every holiday with them but I think its a bit sad when we have been asking for quite a while to spend just one, and they agree, but then go with SIL's family or friends instead. I think something isn't quite right with that, as its happened a few times now. I will admit to being a suspicious person anyway, but find it a bit strange that they arrange their trips away when we carn't possibly go, and then say oh we thought you were away next month or whatever, not at the same time as us! I know for certain that this is mostly down to SIL, as my DB doesn't really do the bookings, plus he has made suggestions for us all and then it doesn't happen, its like dangling a carrot, asking things like would you like a trip to Canada etc, then they end up going with their friends instead. I have always got along with my SIL, but now and again i've seen a slightly different side and its made me wonder all the more now as I sit here remembering certain things, and its not just a couple of times. We have been put off visiting sometimes and even told we couldn't stop over once or twice as "things are a bit stressful" for whatever reason. We only visit every few months anyway, and always with advance notice, Which is understandable. One Saturday we offered to go and stay over night as it was my Nephews party on the Sunday, and I offered to help with the food, as I love baking etc. I was told no, its too stressful a time and that the Saturday afternoon was for friends only and the Sunday was for Family! I agree with most replies on here, and I think Mowzer sums it up, but I feel torn, because I feel that its not going to be the same anymore. I will defo not be asking to spend any breaks or holidays together in the future, and I feel that i no longer want to stay overnight either. I would like to say to my DB, is there some reason for all of this, or wouldn't he find some of it strange if it was him, I probably won't though because I think it would cause some damage, that may not be able to be repaired. I feel sorry for my OH as I think he thinks that its him they don't like or something! :-(

You get that though with some families, they are close then one member marries and s/he gravitates to their new in-laws. Sometimes it's deliberate, sometimes it's just how it goes.

I didn't like to say this in my first post but maybe it is some clash of personality, maybe your DB or your SIL don't have any fondness for your DH? Just a thought. It may be that they can't very well voice this for fear of hurting your feelings.

Does your DH have family, do you see much of them?

Hiya, maybe you are right, who knows but I would think its more me thats the problem, just a feeling I get. My DH does have a small family who live about 50 miles away and we keep in touch quite regularly. We only see each other now and again, but if ever there is a family problem, then we are right there for each other. Can I ask what you would do in this situation? Am I right to not stay over anymore, and let them wonder why for a change?

That's kind of cutting your nose off to spite your face though; if they ask you over, you're not pushing in. Starting to think if there were any possible way you could raise this in a very calm, low-key way with your DB, on your own together. Casually, sort of off-the-cuff, "It's so nice seeing you and the family, I wouldn't want to suffocate you but DH & I miss seeing you more often", that's probably not right and I'm sure other MNers will have ideas but if you're this upset it might be worth considering.

Can I go right back to your introduction, something you wrote,
I have a feeling that people don't want to spend much time with me

When you said "people" was it just your DB and his wife or do you worry about sustaining friendships in general?

It may be that seeing your db and dsil every 2 months is just too often for them - nothing to do with what you or your husband are like.

You were right to pick up on what I wrote above, generally the main problem is with my DB and SIL, but I do feel let down by my friends now and again. I have a dear friend who I think the world of but she has let me down a few times and lately it has felt like I am only useful if she needs anything. I think with the family problem, I only really have two options, one is to try and raise the subject with my DB, if I can, or second, I bite the bullet and just get on with it! Generally I feel a bit poo about everything right now.

When I was young I used to think friends were for life. I have kept in touch with a couple from school and others from uni. We live 100s of miles away from each other so we're not able to call on one another in a spur-of-the-moment "Let's grab a coffee" or in a crisis.

Relocating meant starting afresh, having DCs helped meet others, quite often not a lot in common other than having DCs the same age.

I do have local friends, during school holidays we might exchange a few texts but the understanding is, we do our own thing, families come first.

Like yours my parents are no longer here, nor are my PILs, so when other people do stuff at weekends or Bank Holidays, we are left to our own devices.

At present I don't work so don't have colleagues to see or socialise with. Maybe you do?

I think it's healthy to do stuff, meet other people so you're not entirely reliant on DH. If you aren't over-burdened with family like me, you have to look elsewhere. Have you tried doing something new, sport or hobby or activity, possibly art or a choir? voluntary work? join a church? The trick is to meet new people, some will be acquaintances, one or two might become friends.

I see how this is upsetting, its very difficult being the sister or mum of boys sometimes when they are as one poster above suggested 'integrated into their DW/DP's family.

I love my SiL dearly and have spent some great times with them, but its very rare. She and DB spend 99% of their free time with her family enjoying meals out, concerts, shopping trips, holidays. Its just how their life has always been.

Its not you at all I'm sure.

Last year they came visiting the area for a weekend and stayed in the next town. It was a bit embarrassing telling my friends that they were not actually staying at our house

YOu are over thinking this imv. I hate staying with rellies because I am a poor sleeper and often up through the night so being at someone else's where I don't feel I can prowl about/ go on the computer / make myself a cup of tea at 4am puts me off staying. Plus I am used to a kingsize bed so someone's put me up is a nightmare for me. Also I like getting up early, having to lie till late morning to fit in with others is a pia. Also I feel more relaxed staying with my DSis than my very nice Dsis in law, just do, Dsis and I were brought up together so naturally we are more at ease and she also prowls around at 4am . so sweetpud don't overthink this.

I would go to Greece and stay nearby the DB and Dsil - say 'maybe we can meet up for lunch one day' . That arrangement I would really enjoy with family members. Having them stay with me I would not.

I am so glad I found this site, you have all talked so much sense and it has helped me to feel a bit easier about this mess! I must say to you DonkeysDontRideBicycles, that it sounds almost like you know me, as you are so spot on! I do worry for my OH because he is my best friend and I love spending time with him but on the same score it does scare me that I am a little too reliant. I think this is why I decided to get off my bum and do something. I do work but only one day a week, its one long shift and I generally get along with everyone there, but am not close pals with anyone. I am also waiting on my CRB form as I have already applied to do some Vol work. Thanks again all of you for taking the time and helping me along. :-)

It isn't the done thing as an adult in our culture to admit to feeling let down or lonely, for fear of being thought needy or clingy. I don't think it's unreasonable to hope for family support but it comes down to that precious commodity, time.

I'm sure as the other posters said upthread, it's not you, try not to dwell on what you feel is lacking, focus on areas which you can influence.

PS Lots of topics to stroll round on this site, I find the Baby Names topic in the Becoming a Parent section and topics in the Pets section particular oases of calm! .

I'm like Grinkly, I like my own space and find staying with family quite hard work. My DB & SIL think I'm odd, but I don't want to sleep in a single bed, or queue for the bathroom, or wait until I'm offered a cuppa and some brekky when I've been awake for hours before everyone else! Its ok occasionally, but given the choice I'd rather stay nearby in a hotel than in someone's spare room and if they don't like it, I'll go home!

Is it possible that they did not want to stay with you because they prefer their own space? I am a bit like this to be honest. I am not too keen on staying at someones house as its just a bit too close quarters for me.
Sometime people find it hard to relate to people when they are bereaved. Not knowing what to say etc. can be hard. I'm sure its not you that is the issue. I agree with Donkeys, the site is great to find support. Its sometimes hard to get the support you need in RL.

It sounds like your sister-in-law is very very sorted in terms of friends and family. You on the other hand seem as if you're not. She has probably always been very popular (and probably quite spoilt?), and therefore does not appreciate how hurtful her false promises are for you.

You sound too relient on them for company. It sounds as though they don't want to spend as much time with you and your husband as you do with them. This doesn't mean they dislike you, just that there are lots of other things they want to do.
I don't think not staying with someone is a big deal. They visited you, if they're more comfortable staying where they have more space that's fine, I'm not sure why you're discussing it with your friends. My parents came and visited and stayed at a B&B as there was no room for them as all the kids and stepkids were with us. I didn't discuss this with anyone and my parens enjoyed having the evening to themselves.
Start looking for other things to fill your time and accept that your brother doesn't have as much time to spend with you at the moment.
Why is your husband so keen to go away with your relatives? Why can't the 2 of you just enjoy holidays together or go on an activity holiday where you meet other people if you don't want to just be together.
You go on about your nephew and are on mumsnet are you a mother or trying to be? If you want children in your life have you thought about being a brownie leader? Many groups are desperate for leaders and you do sound as though you're a bit bored with your husband's company and needing to widen your social circle so you're less needy re your brother and his family.

I hate that I'm going to sound rude here, that's not my intention, I'm just going to offer my honest impression (which could be misguided) from your posts. You sound a bit too needy, overbearing and a bit odd tbh, I need to have my own space and someone who get's offended and embarrassed (??!!?) because we stay elsewhere when visiting, complains about having to 'make an appointment' when visiting ('just' for a whole day!!) and who is constantly trying to take over my holidays would drive me nuts.

Just back off a bit, focus on your own life, your own holidays etc... stop worrying about what other people are doing and don't try to force relationships, let them flow naturally. Change your own attitudes, lose the desperation and get interested in your own thing. You'll be happier, people will like you more and your brother and sil will be able to enjoy your company without the constant pressure of demands from you. Wait for them to invite you to Greece and if they don't, leave them be!

You sound like a lovely person, don't put yourself down, if they disliked your company, you'd never see them at all. Lot's of lovely and otherwise fun people turn others away by being too 'full on' and needy. You just need to understand that the more you try pull them toward you, they more they will be inclined to push you away.