What would you do? I need to be strong and leave

[WhatTheWaterGaveMe]

Hi

Looking for some advice about my relationship.

I don't trust him a lot; always found calls to his ex girlfriend which he would strenuously deny. When I was about 8 months pregnant I opened an old phone to use and there were texts he sent (whilst I was pregnant) basically telling someone he missed an intimate part of their body. I went mental and wanted to split up but somehow didn't, I was a couple of weeks from giving birth and he manages to twist situations....

We had another massive fight in October because I found an old sim card and again he'd recently been calling an ex girlfriend which again he denied - said he threw that sim card in the bin ages ago and he has no idea how there were recent calls on it.....hmmm.

Fast forward to now. I went away for a few days with our daughter. I have found out that he called said ex girlfriend whilst I was away and asked to meet up with her. She said no so I know he didn't meet her but point is he tried; and why? ALSO....he is calling her off this sim card that he said he threw away.

He is totally denying everything. He has no sim card and he has never called her.

I know this because...very very sneaky of me but I used someone else's Facebook account to message the ex gf pretending to be an old friend. Gradually I got information out of her including about my OH and she messaged this "old friend" saying he called me at the weekend trying to meet up (when I was away).

I also called this sim card whilst I was away and it rung...then suddenly it was switched off afterwards.

I know I have been sneaky in getting information but that is how much I don't trust him and I was right!

Cue massive argument when I returned yesterday. Denying everything.
I wanted him to leave etc etc
I went to bed early with DD and he is still here. He just starts doing normal things (cooking, cleaning) trying to act like nothing happened.

I feel so, so weak right now.
He obviously cannot be trusted at all.

I need to be strong and make him leave. He is not English and in his culture it's very shameful to break up with someone, especially when you have a child which is why he's trying to stay and making this harder for me.

Would you leave your oh for this?
I am so angry. I am so upset. I hate him so much. I feel so weak right now.

Haven't spoken to anyone in real life because I feel so humiliated.

I would confide in someone in RL - you need support and remember that the shame is all HIS, not yours so hold your head up high. He made the choice to cheat not you.

I also would start finding out about your rights:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

I would ask him to move to the spare room/sofa and stop doing his chores (cooking, shopping, washing etc) - hopefully he will then want to move out without fuss.

I would definitely leave my oh for this, and I would tell everyone what he has done. You have nothing to be ashamed of, all the shame is on his head.

I think you need to get yourself some RL support if you're to get this man out of your home and out of your life. So what if he's not English? When in Rome etc. You may feel humiliated by this experience but I'm sure friends and family would be very sympathetic regardless. Personally I would take DD, go stay with friends/family and tell him you want him out by the time you get back. Good luck

cogito I wasn't excusing his behaviour because of where he's from, I just think that's why he's making this harder.

We're not married, we live in a council property which is in my name. Only thing we would need to sort out is childcare. I am a teacher so financially will be fine.
I'm not sure what he will do; he is a bit unhinged (in my opinion) and has often said things like if you leave me I'll disappear you'll never see me again. Apparently the shame/anger of splitting up will override him wanting to see his daughter? Then when we've had rows before he's been all you won't stop me seeing her (which I never would anyway). So I really don't know how he will react.
We had a huge argument yesterday and he was crying and screaming - when we've had these arguments he tries to turn it around to make him the victim. Denying everything. I'm just not having it this time.

Often he has said well I will do a lie detector test I will prove it. So now I have said ok, do one. Prove me wrong. If you can do that and it shows you are honest then we will try to get over this. He says no why should he do that, he would rather leave than do that (obviously because he will fail) so I said ok leave. I feel so cringey talking about lie detector tests

He was just about to take our daughter and my mums dog to the park, he asked if I was coming and I said no, I'm in an obvious bad mood so he asked why, I told him I am still not happy and I am not happy that you are pretending things are ok when they're not. I said I want you to either prove to me that I am wrong, or be honest and admit this and we'll talk about it. He blew up and said he will not admit anything because there's nothing to admit and he will not do a lie detector test so he said he is leaving, I said ok leave then.
He has taken our daughter to the park (they were ready to go) so I will see what happens when he gets back.....

I hope you can discuss it with him, but it looks like he's just not willing to talk about it. Do you think that talking to him will help though? he's obviously not willing to change and just keeps repeating the same behaviour and trying to hide it. I'm not surprised you resorted to sneaky tactics to find out what he's up to, it seems you had to.

You can't really legislate for emotional blackmail. If he chooses to 'disappear' and never see his DD again then that's entirely his call. Not much you can do about that. Neither is all the Drama Queen crying and screaming stuff about lie-detectors and so on.

Keep him to his promise to leave... My guess is that it's all just empty threats and he's hoping you change your mind. Rather than seeing what happens therefore, take control. What would you actually like to happen next?

If you have caught him red handed then yes get him to leave. It's painful but better in the long run. Good luck x

quavers No I don't really want to talk about it, I just want to make him admit it. Even if he admitted it (and I said give me that sim card) I would never trust him so either way there's not really a relationship).

cogito you are right, is it empty threats. He thinks that I will calm down and change my mind. They came back from the park and again he was trying to act like normal. I carried on with DD's dinner because it was getting late, am currently feeding her in bedroom. Want to have it out when she's asleep; we had bad arguments yesterday all in front of her and in the car and I don't want to keep doing that. I don't want to be with him; I despise him right now. I can't ever imagine looking at him the same way again. I'm just going to repeat what I have been saying to him.

OP, is there any danger at all that he could take your daughter out of the country if you split up?