Getting through the rollercoaster of emotions when a relationships ends...

[cappuccinodays]

I guess I am looking for support. I am not new to relationships ending, after being with ex 13 yrs and getting divorced, I know the pain. However i ended a relationship which was not right at all for me recently, it dragged on far too long, he was totally in love with me, but I couldnt do it :-( We kept splitting and getting back together, although never officially, some emotional abuse and 1 incident where he grabbed me. My ds has not witnessed anything, all he has seen is me probably looking miserable :-( however i do try to counteract this by us doing lovely things together.
I feel so alone again and dont feel ready to "get out there" feel like i dont know who i am or where i am going. Am annoyed with myself for getting to this place again. I also worry if he comes back, because of the way i feel i wont be able to stay strong, but i know i have to. The low moments are awful, i think i have gone into denial and overdrive but it is the only way i know how to come. I dont want to breakdown... Im not ready to cry about it yet either..
any advise please?

For what its worth You have my support, I have been there and went back with my H for another 15 years because i felt scared to be alone/not strong (mainly because he told me i would never cope etc!).
If its what you really want dont let him get to you, stay as strong as you can because if like me you know you will be back to square one in a few months if you go back with him, you will really kick yourself because you have to go through it all again.
Can you borrow a dog and go for some long walks? I find that a good way to sort my head out...or do some things that you love and havnt done because of ex?
My H says how much he loves me but i dont believe that people who love each other treat each other so badly!
Be strong! Your child deserves to see and have a happy mum x

thanks cat,
the new relationship was only 2 yrs, but has never really been official... i simply cannot keep going through this over and over, what a waste of a life and time? i really wish i could get to the bottom of why i do it... I love him but know i cant be with him, so does that mean i really love him or is that rubbish? or the wrong kind of love? Im probably not over my marriage as I met dp when i was getting divorced.. (it wasnt an affair, we were separated a long time)

I think you're at the stage where you need to be thinking more about your life as an independent woman rather than as part of a couple. After a 13 year relationship it's easy to think of yourself as 'we' rather than 'I' and the single life can be disorientating at first. So when the next likely candidate comes along it's quite easy to slip back into old habits, just with a new face. Then you're in a familiar setting, you're 'we' again, but it doesn't feel right... I think it's pretty common.

So I'd suggest that you go all out to leave the dating game to one side, drop contact with the latest guy and instead form new friendships (with either gender), pursue new activities, go travelling, learn new skills and develop yourself as a person... as many fresh starts as you can manage. Once you've got to know yourself properly & value yourself I think you'll make better decisions about whether to share your life with someone new or not. Give yourself a full year to do this. No rush.

thanks ces, very good advice and have just having a few tears after reading your reply. When i met dp, i felt in the right place, i was ready. Ive maintained my independence whilst being with him, not made my life all about him but he wanted commitment, i never got to that stage and the more he pushed the more i couldnt get there..I wouldnt say i slipped into bad habits, i was aware, although i think he did, but i do know what you mean. thanks for the reassurance this is common.. I didnt realise.

I am worried about the future, i feel sick. I worry about him and i feel ive lost my best friend, or my "hope" for the future following divorce. You are right, probably a year, but i would love another child, Im running out of time :-( it isnt going to happen is it

You never know what might happen - so thoughts of future children (or not) are best actively banished.

Yes, you may need to experience the really bleak days; the emotions need to be felt to be processed and eventually dealt with. Over time, they intrude less and become less sharp.

But you also need to guard against becoming so overwhelmed you cannot function. This is why counselling might help, or indeed RL friends - especially if you can find one who you know is sympathetic and supportive but is also prepared to be bracing from time to time, and remind you to make decisions, take control of your life, plan a future, try new things.

You will already be stronger than you think.

scaevola
i know they need to be felt, the emotions, i have been blocking them out for a long time, probably because i couldnt face facing them.. I always begin to, then we get back together for a short period, them i am back to the start.. Yes i know i need to keep an eye on myself that i dont get overwhelmed with them as i NEED to function, Im a single parent, I need to get to work.. bearing in mind this was on Sunday, maybe i am doing ok to write a sentence....

I think your last experience has been more useful than you think. Being pushed for a commitment and feeling under some pressure to find a father for a DC#2 is quite a lot to resist but you seem to have done really well on both counts. I'm the mother of one DS as well. If f I'd started earlier and chosen more reliable men I'd have probably had more but I don't see it as a thing to regret... would have gone the sperm donor route if it had been that important. :)

thanks ces, i know i know... i simply couldnt do it with him, too many red flags etc but i just so wish it hadnt turned out this way.. Now i just want to get over it, the not being able to think straight, ups and downs, conflciting emotions are hard to deal with. I am mainly using distraction.. and denial. i dont want him to come back, i just want to get over him... we have no ties together but i almost feel like i have been in a marriage together....

dont have much to say today but thought if i cant offload here, then.. where? Feeling low, thinking about mine and my ds future and when i am going with it... I would love to get a new job, but i am frightened to make changes and dont know where to start, had a crap 5 yrs, apart from my ds, those bits have been/are the best.. my confidence is seriously at rock bottom, where i almost feel like i want to run and hide at times and just avoid people.. how on earth do you start a recovery? especially when you dont have supportive family? I really dont know how i keep going sometimes as i cant think very clearly, it is kind of off and on.. the clarity i mean.. help?

" how on earth do you start a recovery? "

Start small. A new job may be too big a first step but I'm sure you can think of some much smaller, more achievable things that you could cut your teeth on that would give you a sense of satisfaction. Plant a seed (either figuratively or literally), do something fun, be impulsive, do nothing .... You're in that very enviable position of only having to do things to please yourself. Barring your DS you don't have to take anyone else into account or ask anyone's permission. Total freedom can be a little disorientating it's true but, whatever you feel like doing, however trivial, you can do it now.

One of the things I did to get over a break-up was go travelling. Made me feel quite adventurous booking a solo trip and turning up somewhere like Shirley Valentine!

thank you ces..
i am fed up being back to "this place"- the pain and hurt. It is making me question everything about myself. I know it is lovely sometimes, the feeling of freedom to do as I please.. it comes in short windows of time, as of course i have my ds.. but i feel lonely, yes i do have friends i can turn to, but i dont want to? maybe i am withdrawing a little, as my confidence is shattered. i loved xP, i tried, i also loved exH. Why do i end up with men who belittle me.. xP you could almost call it emotional abuse :-( he also hurt me physically, so was was i drawn back? I dont understand, it just doesnt make sense, logically does it?
I'd love to go travelling, but money is short at the moment and i am restricted to school holidays and would take ds with me. I really dont know how i can live my life the way i have being. I am actually wondering if i will ever be happy again? really. I dont want to go to gp, Ive been there done that... maybe this is one of those days like scaevola said, i need to feel the pain to process everything :-(