Easing yourelf out of a long friendship.

[Bossyoldersister]

I've a very old friend and we used to be really close. We live about an hour away so it's not a case of popping round etc to meet.

A few months ago we had a bust up if you want to call it that because we didn't see eye to eye on something. We made up but since then I have started to see her in a new light- and I don't like what I am seeing.

Her behaviour now confirms what I thought ages back- that she is incredibly self centred and often thoughtless.

We still chat by phone but she hasn't made any effort to meet up even though she passes through my town on business quite often. If I suggest it she makes excuses why it's not practical for her- which is actually stretching the point a bit.

I've now reached the end of the line really- I'm not contacting her so often ( we used to talk 2-3 times a week, now it's maybe once or less) and I just want to step back a bit.

However, if I do I suspect she will challenge me and ask why.

WWYD- be truthful and say I've found her behaviour uncaring and thoughtless, or just make excuses about being busy etc?

I'd just make excuses. She'll get the message eventually & it's less time & trouble for you.

Sounds like the friendship is on the slide anyway.
Just do nothing and it will fizzle out gently rather than ending on bad terms.

Thanks. One of her personality traits is to be confrontational- and I am fairly sure she will ask why if anything is wrong. I've agonised over her off hand behaviour for ages but now I don't care really- she's basically a self centred person and I don't want to indulge her any more.

Just ignore her, I know it's sad when a long term friendship ends but you're not married to this woman - I'm sure you've got better things to use your energy on.

Friendships are so precious,
and there must be a lot left in your friendship as you are STILL in contact once a week, that's a heck of a lot ime,

I'd love to have someone who wanted to speak to me that often (although maybe it would take up more time than I would want to give/would we run out of things to talk about other than complete trivia?) (how do you do the crossed through line thing on MN?)

You sound peeved, but is your anger really so great that it is more important than the loss of such a long friendship with so many shared experiences? I don't have many friends (am loner ) so losing a long term friend would be a huge loss to me, it is so wonderful to have someone in your life that you can pick up easily with even after not having seen them for some time

so can you perhaps cool it a little, but still keep the friendship?

Asking why one has been dumped is a little bit different to being confrontational. Keeping an eye on what happening in one's life and having boundaries is a good thing. Of course you've known her very well and for yonks etc but if you're planning to slink off with no explanation you shouldn't make out it's a terrible character failing of hers if she asks why.

Sorry, I think lying or ignoring isn't helpful. It's incredibly hurtful to be dropped and not understand why - two people have done this to me and at the very least, I'd like to not make the same mistakes in other friendships so it would have been nicer to know and understand and have closure. It also took me quite a while to get the message to be honest, as I didn't know I'd done anything wrong (and still don't!).

When I've wanted to back out of a friendship, I've stopped contacting them as much but then sent a short, polite email to say that perhaps we've grown apart and it's best we move on, etc.

Especially as you know she will ask outright, why not just tell her? Then she gets the message instantly and the friendship is over - job done. It's simply cowardly to ignore her or lie and say there isn't a problem when there is and you may spare her hours of wondering and thinking it's all in her head and perhaps if she made more effort...

If she's making excuses not to meet with you then perhaps she is trying to phase you out too? I would maybe take a step back from the friendship, keep in contact each week as you have been doing, and don't suggest any meets and be 'busy' for a while if she suggests it. Then you can just take stock and make a firm decision on whether you want to keep the friendship or not

I'm trying to do this at the moment, I won't go into detail about why, its super complicated, anyway, you do need to be open and honest with your friend, she might be completely oblivious to her behaviour and it will eat away at you if you don't sit her down to explain why you can't be friends anymore, you don't even have to sit her down, just email her and tell her how you feel.

Some friendships fizzle out naturally, however some don't and the only way to ease your way out is to make yourself heard, be open and honest with her, but before you do so ask yourself how you would feel if you were in her shoes?

Your OP reads to me as if you're upset and angry at her for not making more of an effort. There are different ways of expressing anger: you can go the passive route and simply vanish; or you can tell her how you feel. The second choice is harder in many ways, because you will make yourself vulnerable (you're expressing a need, and you run the risk that you your friend may not be able to respond to that need); but its potentially also more rewarding because your feelings / needs MIGHT just be respected and responded to (which will have the effect of bringing the two of you closer). People can surprise you.

Personally I think its worth giving her the opportunity to know how you're feeling.

Isn't it just as possible that after your bust-up, she started to see you in a new light and has distanced herself accordingly?

The criticisms you level at her might be the same as the ones she could level at you.

I don't think being confrontational is a bad personality trait. It's something I personally respect far more than passive aggression and expecting people to get the hint.

So if you haven't confronted her and tried to resolve things, if she's a bit braver then reward that with the truth about how you feel and that you want the friendship to slide. She might be relieved.

Exactly badinage, that's why I advised making a few excuses as it sounds as if the op's friend has had enough of the op. ( sorry op ) sliding out of the friendship slowly, & without too much drama, sounds like the best course of action all round.