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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stress! My BIL and SIL are coming for Easter

18 replies

BettyBlueBlue · 05/03/2013 06:37

I will try to make it as short as possible: I have "no" relationship with my husband's brother and his wife. This has upset me over the years as I feel that we should have at least some kind of relationship, preferably a good one.

I've always felt they don't really want to include me in their lives. They've turned down invitations to my DS's party, never included me as friends on Facebook even though other close family members were there, turned down a invitation to meet when they come to London. Left me sitting by myself on their wedding, not included me in their photos. I just feel they don't want to know me and I've no idea why, as I've only seen them a few times in my life.

Now we moved into a bigger house, and my DH has invited them over the Easter weekend. I know I will find the stay stressful and I'd rather they didn't come but, of course, I will have to be nice and friendly and probably do all the running around preparing food, drinks etc etc. The thought of it is beginning to stress and upset me a lot.

They have 3 DS's and we have 2 DS's and of course I want the children to bond and have a good time and good memories for the future.

I can't ask my husband to cancel now. What can I do to make the situation more bearable? These are not people I'd choose to spend any time with, least of all a whole bank holiday weekend.

OP posts:

SilverBaubles33 · 05/03/2013 06:48

Maybe then see it as a chance to build a relationship with them for your DH and ds sake. You don't have to love each other madly, lower your expectations, do as much as possible in advance (cook and freeze, rope in DH to do beds, shop etc; they are his family) so you're not stressing, plan a few nice trips out (local child-friendly activities, places of interest, even cinema?) so you've got lots to do and chat about and just see how it goes.

The main thing is for you to relax and detach. They are your DH family, not a massive important job interview! They'll either join in and be great fun or they'll be as stand offish as you describe, either way it's nothing you can change. All you can do is not let their behaviour spoil your weekend. Their problem not yours.

Good luck!

PurplePidjin · 05/03/2013 06:52

I'd want to know what the fuck dp thought he was doing!!

I think you have two options - grin and bear it and seethe inwardly; or go ballistic at how disrespectful your husband has been inviting people without running it by you first.

Or, bugger off to a hotel/friend by yourself leaving him to do everything...

diddl · 05/03/2013 07:28

Well for one thing-husband would be doing the hosting for his guests.

I'd concentrate on trying to get the children bonding, I think.

How were you sitting by yourself at their wedding-where was your husband?

aurynne · 05/03/2013 07:37

I agree, I would be happy for them to stay as long as my DH was the one cooking, cleaning up and driving them around to places.

SanityClause · 05/03/2013 08:52

Do you feel that, now you have a nice, big house, they finally think you are worthwhile to know?

I do think you need to discuss the extra work involved with your DH, and make sure you arrange beforehand who will be doing what.

Also, speak to your DH about how it has upset you that they have excluded you in the past, so that he doesn't expect you just to "roll over" now that they have decided they do want to socialise with you. That is, you expect them to now make an extra effort to make up for the rudeness in the past, rather than just pretending it didn't happen.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/03/2013 09:43

Given what you've told us, they'll be coming to nose round. You have nothing to be ashamed of, yourself, your DH or DCs. It's your home, it doesn't have to be showroom smart. Check any dietary restrictions beforehand. Have plenty of loo roll, towels.

Don't prepare anything 'fussy', make sure you are not spending the whole time rushed off your feet catering for them. Get DH on his feet too, fixing drinks, fetching snacks so you don't feel consigned to waitress/cook.

They're your guests, they're not your betters, so don't feel you have to go out of your way to make everything perfect.

BlueberryHill · 05/03/2013 09:44

Does your DH agree that that have excluded you in the past? Are you sure that they did so? Reading your OP is sounds as though they have, I'm just trying to see if it was crossed wires and misunderstandings?

If you are sure that they have, your DH needs to understand your feelings and support you (not just in the work involved in the visit) but also emotionally and back you up if they start to do it again, they are his family and he needs to make sure they aren't rude to you.

Agree with a previous poster, focus on the children, there are enough for it to be a legitimate excuse to have a break from them. I do that with my ILs, when they start to piss me off I look after the kids, no one can say that I am not being welcoming etc, I just have my hands full.

Good luck, it could the same again, in which case no loss, or you may start to develop a relationship with them.

I have had a dreadful relationship with my SIL in the past (to the extent that I nearly cancelled my wedding to DH in the UK and wanted to get marry abroad so that they didn't come - it was bad). We are on better terms now, we have been away with them for a week, but I am very careful and keep enough control whilst still maintaining a relationship with her. DH agrees with me, most of the time, and we agree an approach together that we are happy with. This is really important for me his acknowledgement that his SIL can be difficult and was wrong in the past.

Original poster

BettyBlueBlue · 05/03/2013 13:09

Thank you so much everybody for your kind replies and views.

Just to answer some of the questions, at their wedding, DH, then boyfriend, was just pissed out of his head trying to be sociable and nice to all family members. I wanted to dump him soon after that, but it was one of those situations when you give the guy a chance. He's a nice person and has a lot to offer both as partner and parent, but that time was a crucial incident in our relationship.

They live far away, up North, so they don't come to London often and we don't go there either. My DH is terrible at keeping in touch with people, and to him, there's nothing wrong with that.

I just feel uncomfortable around them, don't feel they're my family and tbh don't have any motivation now to make the effort.

I'll follow your sound advice and try to make the most out of a bad situation by involving myself with the kids, plan activities and food in advance.

I told DH he should take responsibility for the hosting, but I know in reality I will be the one doing most of the running around.

OP posts:

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 05/03/2013 13:52

If it helps at all, I find that when stuck in such family situations, where my nerves would get the best of me, I try and imagine that I am Dr Livingstone observing a new tribe in their own (if i am visiting) or unfamiliar (if they are visiting) settings.

It takes the emotions away somewhat and being more of an observer actually helps me to work out the dynamics and fit in better.

Good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/03/2013 13:57

You and BIL and wife are probably unknown quantities to each other, the person in common is your DH. In fairness presumably their wedding was a few years' ago, has DH calmed down a bit since? Maybe get in plenty of soft drinks as well as alcohol.

It could be a building-bridges event, it may just be a flash in the pan. Try not to anticipate too many concerns beforehand. Hopefully the weather will be kind and the DCs can play outside. Any nice local park you can go for a stroll?

Catsdontcare · 05/03/2013 14:09

I would be civil and polite but I wouldn't bend over backwards to build a relationship with them. Let them make the effort. My SIL is like this towards me, I guess we've just never clicked. Now I think of her as a casual acquaintance and will engage in a bit of small talk but don't go out of my way to engage her.

I would put yourself in charge of doing activities with the children to ensure yours and theirs are having a nice time which makes it look like you are keeping involved but not having to deal with SIL and BIL very much.

PurplePidjin · 05/03/2013 15:28

I told DH he should take responsibility for the hosting, but I know in reality I will be the one doing most of the running around.

Then you either spend all your time doing this hiding in the kitchen so you don't have to talk to them how i survive Christmas with my family or you sit firmly down and, when asked where dinner/cup of tea/clean sheets are say "Oh, hasn't dh organised that?" in tones of sunny astonishment

Grinkly · 05/03/2013 17:06

Is it Sat to Mon or Fri to Mon or Fri to Sat or longer???/

If it is just a couple of nights then should be good if the DS's ages are suited for play.

Draw up a plan (with DH) eg Sat am trip to park by DFs (possibly DSIL) and DSs. Lunch (sandwiches) Sat pm DSs play on bouncy castle which you have hired, you and DSil to shops. ? bbq for tea. Sunday am easter egg hunt in garden, pm off to the beach. back for fish and chip take away.

If they want to go to zoo/ adventure park etc make sure you book before hand as everywhere will be mobbed at easter.

Have a contingency plan for bad weather (maybe just consisting of having suitable coats wellies for guests). Make sure you have maps on how to get to places. Look online for things on in your area.

Grinkly · 05/03/2013 17:10

Oh, and get lots of wine in for post bedtime which with 5 DSs will prob be 11pm anyway

Original poster

BettyBlueBlue · 09/03/2013 21:52

Cheers all for the tips. The wine post bedtime will definitely be on my list :)

OP posts:

googietheegg · 10/03/2013 10:08

THB I think you have created a mountain out of a molehill. It doesn't sound to be like they have excluded you at all, and if it has happened it's only through normal life rather than them trying to offend you.

I may be too personnally connected to this situ though as my sil decided everyone hates her (for such reasons as sending a text to say thank you for a birthday present) and it is such hard work keeping her happy I've given up.

Original poster

BettyBlueBlue · 10/03/2013 11:15

Good point, googie. I'll try to see the situation from their perspective. I think maybe my expectations were too high.

We shouldn't expect people to behave in certain ways, but when you get that from some people or you see other people having a good relation with their in laws, it sort of makes you wonder.

OP posts:

googietheegg · 10/03/2013 18:36

You took that well Betty! (great film, btw) I wish my sil was prepared to think the whole mess might be even possibly a tiny weeny bit to do with her and everyone else didn't just enable her...but there you go!

Maybe let yourself think it might be you expecting too much for a set time period (a month or so)- don't tell anyone, just have it in your own mind - and reassess after a month then see if you think it might be six and two threes of they are simply a bunch of wankers.

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