When you think you're doing ok and the t**t blindsides you

[TurnipCake]

...and it can be the smallest thing, like seeing a photo of them looking happy with the person they cheated on you with.

Rationally, I know that like attracts like, so the pair of wankers are in good company. I also know that life is going really well for me, job is great, I have great friends and family, travel lots etc

So why does it feel like taking a small bullet? I guess right now, I just need to feel like I'm not alone, because the humiliation, hurt and sheer mess of what happened has made me feel pretty down.

[Background: Wasn't with ex long, bout 6 months, but long enough for him to cheat on me at any given opportunity (example, on my night shifts) with colleagues, one in particular. He then dumped me the minute he moved to a new area, citing that he preferred the company of the OW. I have dealt with many unpleasant things, including rape, but this has been one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I cut contact with him, dusted myself off, got the therapy I very much needed, but unforch some photos came up on a newsfeed of a mutual friend.]

Hi Turnip - I didn't want to read and run.

I just wanted to say I completely recognise the feeling of being blindsided. And that feeling of knowing, rationally, that you don't want him, that you're fine and happy but... it's just still a kick in the teeth.

The only thing I have found is that time softens it. Such a cliche I know, but it's almost like you get this instant emotional reaction and then need the time to process all those rational things your head is telling you.

And then the time between these 'bullets' gets longer and longer until suddenly you see something and realise actually, no, you're not bothered. You recognise that a few weeks/months ago you would have been but now, you honestly are not. And you re-examine your feelings just to check and then, phew! Relief!

It will get better, you will get there chin up

Thank you, I really needed to hear something like that

No problem, glad if it helps just a little. Take extra care of yourself for the next few days and have a few treats to spoil yourself a little

I've been doing just that over the last few months following the break up (we spent most days together, and I lost touch with myself a bit). Tonight I used some really nice face creams and chilled out with some classical music. I doubt I'd be doing those things if I was with my ex, probably fretting about his next infidelity or gulping down half a bottle of wine

The idea of time healing is helping - 3 months ago I would have been much more upset and angry, 6 months ago? Inconsolable. So it's good to know I'm making some progress!

I love being able to be more, well, girly I suppose. I can sit in front of the TV I choose giving myself a foot spa and pedicure - with ex here I would have had to be listening to the football or watching something he chose.

I can have scented candles and flowers in the house, I can wear perfume and can leave the washing up overnight if I choose! I can have fairy lights over the headboard and embroidered bed linen.

So when I do have a rare pang, I literally remind myself of these seemingly small things and it does ease up. Sometimes if I recount the big area that impact my life (great job, friends, family etc) it doesn't work as well because I kept those throughout the relationship. It's the little details I lost and in finding joy in them I'm finding myself again.

And take credit for making progress, and for noticing/acknowledging you are. Sometime when these things hit its easy to become a bit overwhelmed but the fact that you can recognise that you are feeling it less shows that you are moving forward.