Caught my husband out, advice and opinions really needed

[angrybear]

Hi, I am so mortified and devastated by this situation that I have had to name change for this post. I am a regular mumsnetter but so very embarrassed.
I have been with my husband from school and we have been married for 14 years, have 3 children and are currently unexpectedly pregnant with a 4th. He has always been my soul mate and I would (did) trust him with my life. Over the weekend I discovered by accident that he had to put it bluntly w*ked himself off on line infront of another woman!! This woman is known to us both and not liked very much by me before this incident. Needless to say the script between them was fairly explicit. I can find no evidence that this has happened before and he of course swears that it hasnt. We have a decent sex life and often experiment with new things. She really, honestly isnt the type of woman he would normally be attracted to, she is very easy and that is not me being bitter.
I need to know how to get over this?? Do I give up on my marriage as a result of it?? I have my children and unborn baby to think of but how can I ever trust again?? I love my husband with all my heart but how will I ever know that nothing more has happened?? That it won't happen again?? I feel sick and my chest is tight. He has offered to go to counselling with me, that he will do whatever it takes.........I just dont know what to do

Don't rush in to anything. Give yourself a day or two to rant a bit then sort out counselling. And listen to him.

So are you saying that he's had camsex with someone you both know?

How do you know he's not having an actual affair with her? Has he handed over his phone, his phone bills, his laptop and passwords?

How did you discover this?

O Angrybear.....so sorry. What a life changing, heartbreaking thing to have happened to you. Like the other poster said, you need time, lots of time for this to sink in. You will have a load of questions and will want a load of answers. A lot of talking needs to be done and you need to know if this is just cybersex or if in fact it is an affair. Just because you think she is not his type, doesnt mean that he isnt seeing her. He will say whatever it takes at the moment but you need time to process. Doesnt have to mean the end of your marriage .

Thank you for the replies.
Yes, I am saying he had camsex with someone we both know and I guess the problem is I don't know if he is having an affair. I discovered it when I went to use skype and the conversation had not been deleted. There are no other records of any other skype calls. When confronted, he knew exactly what day it had happened on (was a fair few weeks ago) and that I had been at work. I only work that particular night once a month. I think I will ask him for his passwords. I know it sounds dramatic but I really feel like my entire life has changed. If it was just that one episode then maybe at some point I could get over it but how do I know?? I have thought about contacting her to get her version but realise that she may also bullshit as she owes me nothing and has nothing to loose.

I can relate. DH did something stupid over a year ago, I have completely lost all trust in him. I dont know how to get it back either. I dont think we can ever go back to the way things were, we just have to redefine our relationship.

I always think that, when faced with this kind of shock, you should ask the other person to step out for a while. Let you get your thoughts together. All the time they are around they are influencing your thinking and that can lead to some compromises that you later regret. Send them away for a few days and it not only gives you some space to collect yourself but it also emphasises to the guilty party exactly what they are on the verge of losing.

Wouldn't contact the OW.... your problem is with the man that promised to be faithful to you.

You are in shock right now, but you are right things will feel really different, because he has broken your trust and whatever happens you will always remember this, whether you forgive him or not.

I'm not going to join the 'leave the bastard' bandwagon that will envitably show up on this thread - no one can tell you what to do with your own marriage

Dont let him turn the blame to someone else though

• None of this was your fault - even if you were busy/unattentive etc etc
• It also wasnt all her fault - if shes single, she can do as she wishes, hes the one who made the promise to you.

I'd agree with whats on this thread and let the shock soak in before you make any big decisions

You have your thoughts and feelings towards the wrong person. She is a type he fancied or he wouldn't have done it. To put it politely he is easy. Is she married? He is the one firmly in the wrong towards you not her.

Also don't think he won't BS you because he has everything to lose.

If you only work 1 evening a month that is a pretty good cover for it being a one off. They won't have just logged onto cam and got off, there would have been build up.

Acknowledgement of interest. Agreement to take things further and exchange of details and planning to do this the one night you work.

Ask for his passwords but don't be surprised to find any contact gone.

So sorry for what you're going through angrybear. I think it is highly unlikely it was a one off. The possible advantage of asking the OW is that you could try and find out if he is lying, just in case they haven't got their story straight. eg, you could tell her you know everything, and then see if she gives away some information that you don't know.

He is cheating - even if its online which is unlikely since he knows this woman in real life. It does not matter what she looks like - its the ego boosting attentions that he is attracted to. He made the choice to cheat not her.

Your only chance of saving the marriage is to ask him to go away and give you space to process your thoughts. He needs to feel the consequences and loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters.