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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is SHITTY BEHAVIOUR, RIGHT?

25 replies

GhettoMermaid · 04/03/2013 23:06

Hello. Namechanged as STBXDP knows my login.

Horrible, shitty fucking year. XDP and I broke up in January after drifting apart since the birth of our DD in 2010 and my severe PND which followed. I sought help and have been managing much better recently, but have needed to make a lot of lifestyle changes in order to do so.

Sadly our relationship wasn't going to survive and we agreed amicably to split. We are currently living with XDP's inlaws as we moved here so he could attend college and save money (XDP is 30, so not a 'young' student). He assured me D and I could stay as long as we needed and that there was no rush for me to leave.

Despite the amicable split the responsibility - both financial and physical - of moving has fallen to me despite him working full time and paying minimal rent to his mother. He won't help me at all, as he claims I don't HAVE to move out. He seems quite happy having us both here sleeping in seperate bedrooms.

I have been applying for jobs in my hometown and trying to seek accomodation (not easy as single mum on benefits :( ) and really been trying to keep positive. Found out in January that my DFather is terminally ill, so looking forward to being closer to family.

So not the ideal situation, but not the worst. On the positive side it gives me room to save and look for work without panic.

Only last week XDP changed - became bouyant and happy and just 'different'. It was the morning after a night out (he came in at 4am) so the devil in me checked his phone. I know, I know, right?

He's seeing someone. It seems to be early days, lots of arrangements to meet, ego stroking, lovely little messages to each other, all that shit.

I can't explain how it made me feel. Flushed and sick. I don't love him, I don't want him back. I just want him to wait until we have FUCKING MOVED OUT before he moves on. Is that unreasonable? He doesn't know that I know, obviously. They have a vague arrangement to meet tomorrow so I will see what he says then.

I just feel shit. With my dad, and no money, home or job and a wonderful little DD who deserves brilliant things in her life I just. Feel. Shit.

OP posts:

MerryMingeWhingesAgain · 04/03/2013 23:09

That is very rude and shitty and thoughtless. Just rude.

But what a catch he must be, living with his parents and his ex and their mutual child. He won't be bringing her home for tea anytime soon.

squeakytoy · 04/03/2013 23:24

It sounds like a really stressful and cramped situation. Is there no way you can move back to your dads?

Darkesteyes · 04/03/2013 23:33

The cynic in me tells me he wants you living there because he thinks theres a chance he will not have to pay Child Support or a very minimal amount.

Original poster

GhettoMermaid · 04/03/2013 23:38

Hi all, thanks for responses.

I am just stunned. I feel like the last rung of my support has been knocked from under me. I feel winded.

I guess one good thing to come from this is that I will now be more pro-active in finding job and house as can't live like this, I really can't. Thing is, it is difficult to find house without job etc etc. Arrrrgh. Like an ENDLESS CYCLE OF SHIT.

squeaky My Dad is dying - he is currently having intensive chemo. I can't move DD and I in with him and my ma, it's too much for them. Toddlers take up a lot of room for such small things, and they're very germy.

Darkesteyes He already pays child maintenance as he has withdrawn all other financial support. With all his spare money he is saving from not having to pay rent or bills he is being very careful to only pay me the bare minimum required by law, the shit.

OP posts:

Darkesteyes · 04/03/2013 23:40

Yep Thought as much. Arsehole!

Original poster

GhettoMermaid · 04/03/2013 23:50

Darkesteyes :)

I just feel so trapped. Am I really meant to sit here while he goes and knobs someone else? Does he really think that is an acceptable way to treat me?

Prick.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 05/03/2013 01:26

Whereabouts in the UK is your hometown? I'm not asking for the name of it, as such, but is it in a particularly populous area or out in the sticks and is it in England, Wales, Scotland or N.Ireland?

Original poster

GhettoMermaid · 05/03/2013 07:56

Hi Izzy it's in the South West - not in the sticks but quite rural. We moved from a city where we had plenty of friends though and I really miss them now so considering moving back. But then will be far away from DF.

OP posts:

Original poster

GhettoMermaid · 05/03/2013 16:05

Bumpity

OP posts:

Hopingtobehappy · 05/03/2013 16:26

SOrry this probably isnt what you want to hear, but what else should he do? you are not together and it looks like there is no way that you will be getting back together, so why shouldnt he see someone else?

I had this with my Ex before he moved out, we had been separated for months and I started discretely seeing someone, he found out (by looking at my phone as you did) and he went mental with me !

Was I supposed to live as a nun for the foreseeable?

There is nothing to stop you from moving on as well OP :-)

Xales · 05/03/2013 17:15

You are in a shitty situation which I hope you resolve soon, however I agree with Hoping. You are separated, you shouldn't have looked it is none of your business.

He hasn't brought her back and had noisy sex all night long with you in the next room. He has kept it away from you, the house and your DC.

Like you say you are also benefitting from staying with his parents as it give you a chance to save. Shitty as it is someone decided that % of a non resident parents salary was an acceptable level to give over to support a child Nice as it would be for him to offer extra many don't and many fight to even pay that little.

He should however be spending equal/fair time with your child so that you get a break to recharge. If that is not happening you need to make it happen as it will have to when you do move out and get your own place.

I hope you get out and get some breathing space soon.

OneMoreGo · 05/03/2013 17:26

I'm afraid I agree with Hoping as well. It sounds like a very hard situation though, and I sympathise hugely. Really hope you can get your own place soon.

Original poster

GhettoMermaid · 05/03/2013 17:47

Thanks for all your thoughts. I do totally see your point - I guess I just find it disrespectful not to wait until DD and I are gone before hooking up with someone else. Also I'm struggling with the idea of him hiding things from me - I haven't had to deal with that before. I suppose it always feels weird when your ex meets someone else but I'm usually physically much further away so don't need to see him constantly texting and sneaking off.
I don't have any friends nearby as they all live further away so thought would get a more objective view here - I feel very claustrophobic currently!

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 05/03/2013 19:15

hopingtobehappy that is a deeply insensitive post. If he was pulling his weight to support the OP to move out, then it would still be quite tactless of you.

So sorry for you ghettomermaid - what a pig! Have you got any help with your search for accommodation? I don't think living with your inlaws and your ex who is already dating yet wants to keep you there, can be considered very far from homeless. Hugs to you. Keep believing you will get away, and won't you be thoroughly well rid of him x

Branleuse · 05/03/2013 19:20

i dont think its particularly shitty tbh.

kittybiscuits · 05/03/2013 19:23

Crikey I think I must be reading a different post to some of you...

ClippedPhoenix · 05/03/2013 19:35

It can't feel nice OP but to be fair your aren't together anymore.

I've known many people who have had to stay living together for a while for financial reasons and found other partners whilst doing so.

balia · 05/03/2013 19:36

I'm with hoping. They've split up. He hasn't deliberately set out to upset OP, he's probably hiding it so as not to upset her - she snooped - and if she'd posted that HE was keeping tabs on HER by checking her phone, I think we'd have very different posts. Ones mentioning 'gross invasion of privacy' for example.

Maybe you could see this as a good thing? A spur to get you moving on, sorting out your life, as it does sound a very awkward situation.

Turniphead1 · 05/03/2013 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

GhettoMermaid · 05/03/2013 21:29

Hi again all - this thread has really given me some perspective so thanks for all your replies.

balia It is a bit of a shove for me yes, and will hopefully lead to me making some firmer decisions about my future. At the moment things are very 'easy' and that makes it a bit too comfortable for me. Well about from this, obviously.

I have to say I wouldn't have done it to him - and I can see that others have, or would, so that's not a problem. For me the break-up has to be both mental and physical whereas I think for him he dis-attached quicker and easier, allowing him to do what he does.

You're right though, in a way he is being as considerate as possible in a hard situation although it pains me to say it, and looks like I'm just going to have to keep my head down and get out as soon as we can.

OP posts:

Turniphead1 · 05/03/2013 21:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/03/2013 00:48

Sorry but I'm another one who thinks he has every right to start a new relationship and that he is actually being quite courteous about it by keeping it a secret from you. His sex life is none of your business.

His meanness with money is a separate issue and I would suggest a quiet word with the CSA once you have moved.

sheffieldmum99 · 06/03/2013 04:26

I think you are understandably conflicted with everything going on. While it may be true that it is up to your ex what he does, some of the posts here seem a little harsh, when everything that's happened is recent history and suffering/recovering from PND is hard enough in itself!.

Your priorities are your baby and YOU! An ex-partner moving into another relationship (even if it is a fling - and statistically men can/do move into a new relationship a lot quicker than women) is going to be a bit of a kick, especially so soon after a break up. But deeeeep breaths about that...

Don't feel bad about how you are feeling, you are handling a lot at the moment...don't let this (ex seeing someone) drag you down. Take the positive points from some of these messages to help you get through this, move on and move out (in all ways).

Are you in or can you join any local mum and baby groups? May be get a chance to get out more for yourself - especially as we are now (hopefully!) moving into spring :-)

Take care

Thumbwitch · 06/03/2013 04:35

I understand your feelings but also think that he is within his rights to meet someone new now that you are no longer together. You only found out by snooping, he hasn't rubbed your face in it.

However, the financial side of things is shitty on his behalf and he's being an arse about that. Hope you can sort out a better level of support for your DD.

Sorry to hear about your Dad, that's really rough as well :(

Hopingtobehappy · 06/03/2013 11:08

'hopingtobehappy that is a deeply insensitive post. If he was pulling his weight to support the OP to move out, then it would still be quite tactless of you'

Sorry if it came across as insensitive, I was trying to put it across from the other side, where I have been.

In fairness, they are separated, they owe each other nothing with regards to their 'relationship' and its a bonus as far as I am concerned that he is considering her feelings, hopefully that means they can have a good relationship for the sake of their child going forward.

I went out of my way to ensure that what I was doing in my own time did not impact my children or my Ex. I was very hurt that he felt it was OK to snoop on my phone and then have a go at me for it !

It sounds to me like the OP's ex is trying his hardest to NOT hurt her! if he was flaunting it in her face I would feel very differently, but he isnt.

As the OP said there is no 'date' set for her moving out, so I can understand how difficult it all is, but I stand by what I said, I think they should both be attempting to move on, as long as feelings are considered all around (for the ex's and the child) then I dont see what the problem is :-)

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