When your parents don't get on

[Mendi]

As in, when you are well into adulthood yourself.

My parents have been married for nearly 40 years. I am 37! I am divorced with 2 DCs and have always viewed this as my most awful failing. Partly because my parents have always been married, and until the last 5 years or so, reasonably happily so (it seemed).

My dad is in his 70s and my mum in her 60s. Dad is quite deaf and doesn't really like going out to parties or restaurants as a result. Mum is very gregarious and needs to be centre of attention a lot. A very glam granny who loves to have lots of people around her.

Dad I think wants a quiet life and to settle in to the pipe and slippers years. Worked hard all his life to support his family and would now quite like some peace and quiet.

Both my parents can be quite sharp with each other and neither is the innocent party. But my dad is particularly grumpy and will close down any conversation he takes exception to so abruptly as to clear a room. If I am there or my brother js, our instinct is "ok, good night, nice to see you". I think my mum finds this hard but I don't know what else to do. At other times my dad can be fine but my mum can be incredibly rude to him or about him in his presence. It's all quite toxic.

From a selfish point of view this is very sad because I had a happy childhood and I want my parents to carry on being the married couple I want to believe it's possible to be after so long together. From the more objective point of view it seems they are just not compatible anymore. They don't want to do the same things and they don't want to please the other by doing something they don't want to for the other's sake. They just co-exist and tolerate each other.

I don't know what I'm asking really. Just, I want to be supportive without siding with one or the other. My dad would never discuss any of this with me anyway but my mum complains bitterly about it all the time and deep down I know she is very lonely. I am a single mum with a full time job which keeps me out of the house for 12 hours a day and so I can't just meet up with my mum whenever I want to spend time with her.

Is this a common situation when people reach this age?

Hi not sure what to tell you expect my parents are married 45 years and they are eachothers world sounds lovely right WRONG try living with two people who cant see an one other than eachother . It sounds like your parents are very different people who now retired find it hard to spend time together . I think you just need to keep your head down and let them get on with it unless they ask you for help.

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't do much. Let them get on with their lives and solve their problems themselves as I don't think there's much other people can do on a practical level.

Your mum seems to be asking for help, though, from you and your brother. I'd try to call her regularly, listen to her, support her and understand her as much as you can. Let her know you are there for her, even though you're busy. But also let her know that you love your dad too. So the whole situation doesn't turn into a war where people take sides.

Maybe you and your brother can take your mum out for a meal. She'll be happy to feel loved and supported, and that in turn will make her feel less lonely.

I agree with Betty about you not doing much to intervene between them. However you can help facilitate their desire to live differently perhaps?

Can your mum do stuff on her own and will she? Encourage her to join clubs and get out. She can be a glam party 60 yr old without him and will be happier for it.

Once she's said once DH doesn't like parties etc so I've left him in peace when people enquire where he is, she'll find it easier the next time!

Invite her to yours, rather than going to their house.

Neither is wrong and once they stop trying to be what the other wants, it might get less toxic

" but my mum complains bitterly about it all the time and deep down I know she is very lonely."

My DM does exactly this and I think it's very unfair to bad-mouth a parent to a child. So much so that I've stopped her doing it, even though I realise that sounds heartless. Your parents' marital problems are their own, not yours. You should not be expected to take sides or have to listen to the fall-out.... that's a job for friends or counsellors. If they are 'grumpy' in your presence you are entitled to tell them to stop sniping. You are not responsible for your parents' happiness.