OW's treatment of my children....

[cahu]

I have posted occasionally over the past 5 years since i divorced, mainly regarding my XH and his, I have come to realise, toxic girlfriend.

In a nutshell, I married my boss, who had been married before, had 2 children with him, was a SAHM but he was a high earner so no issues with money.

He has a narcisstic mother and is quite spineless and always only really looks out for number one. Anyway suspected him of affair, he gave me the script, and 4 years and a lot of stress later, a lot of it caused by his OW confronting me in shops, driving past the family home, and eventually banging on my front door screaming........ I called the police and my solicitor wrote to her etc etc.

I moved into my little house with my 2 DD who were 11 and 6 at the time. The affair was with his ex wife who he is still with although 6 months after we moved out he was begging me to take him back, so it was obviously apparant she wasnt the love of his life after all!

My DD's spend alternate weekends with them and the atmosphere is often strained I am told. There have been issues over my younger daughter being left out as she has a DD who is acouple of years younger than my older DD who lives with them.

Anyway the nasty remarks under her breath are beginning to piss me off. I hear it from DD who is now 16 but who also never wants me to bring it up with XH as she says it makes it too awkward when she sees them. Whenever I have he questions them intensly about it and puts his puppy dog eyes on and they feel sorry for him. He also tells them it is just me out to make trouble. She will not allow him to have any contact with me, go to parents evenings if I am there etc.

They came home tonight after being there over the weekend and OW remarked she'd like to borrow DD1's leather jacket and DD2 said no I want it, to which she replied it wont fit you, you'd better borrow your Dad's! DD2 is 11 and slightly chubby with glasses and does not have the best self esteem. That is just 1 example.....DD1 is the golden girl in Xh's eyes but she is starting to see through him but still does not want me to approach him about appropriate behaviour to a young girl.

Wise ladies, please advise me.....

Bump

I'm a bit confused. Is "her" dd also your ex's? Had they already split up when you got together with him? If so, it might explain her fury towards you. Oh, hang on, I'm muddling the ex-wife with the new girlfriend.

Why can you not speak to your ex about this, if it's having a detrimental effect on your dds, and dd2 in particular? You don't have to say it comes from dd1.

I'm confused, too. Can we have a cast list?

Your daughter is sixteen - does her dad ever see her on his own? I was quite determined that my two children wouldn't only see their dad when his new partner was present. It isn't fair, in my opinion. I notice it's something he keeps up now; he'll meet them in town for a meal etc on his own and I think it does them all good.

Sorry.....his girlfriend is his ex wife..... She remarried and had a daughter after they split up. She was having affair when married to my xh with the guy she then married and had a daughter with him. My xh was her second husband.... She has been married and divorced 3 times.... My dd's are mi e and my xh's only children.

Imperial, if he wants to do anything with dd1, he has to lie to his girlfriend....that includes parents evenings when I am going to be present....in 5 years he has gone to 1 parents night and told dd not to tell OW....

I would have an open and frank chat with DD2 and say that at 11 she is old enough that if she doesn't want to go and see her dad at their house where he lives with this woman because this woman is vile she doesn't have to but if she does decide that, she needs to be aware that her dad will potentially not bother with her as it is easier and less hassle from OW to do so.

That doesn't mean he doesn't love her in his own way though nor will it change her love for him.

I would also tell your DD who is 16 that if this is affecting your younger DD you have no choice but to bring it up atmosphere or not as she should not be treated like a second class child/annoyance.

You are spot on he is a spineless shit to allow himself to be lead to treat his own child this way.

Xales, thanks for your reply. That is pretty much what I do do, they stopped going for a while before Xmas..... I just don't want her to look back on this time as no one looki g out for her, including me. The father/daughter dynamic seems to be rather forgiving....

My dad was like this, spineless. Nasty comments, let OW do and say what she wanted.

I finally got sick of it, stopped talking to him last year.

Stand up for your DC, show them that men are not supposed to treat them like this! Encourage them to say that OW can shove it, and he must see them alone.

Or he WILL lose them. This dynamic will cause devastation in their lives, it did in mine.

I've bearly spoken to my dad since I was 16 (now 24) since he didnt stick up for me with the OW. He will lose them if he doesn't stick up for them and he lets this nasty bullying behaviour continue.

At the moment he can twist them round his little finger, make everything if not my fault, their fault!

They have supposedly been getting married for the last 3 years, but it's off again and he actually tried to blame me... DD1 does not challenge him very often but this time asked how it could really be mums fault and he backed down and blamed other family pressures.

I really do not like them to be in her company now.... She was sweetness and light to them when they first met her ....true colours out now obviously. I do not understand how anyone can be mean to children....I work with children and I love them all.....

Hissy and Kryptonite........In your experience, is it better to stop contact or not and let them make their own minds up.....?

Contact will dwindle out as they get older. My stepmother used to spend the entire time blanking me if I was at my dads. She was fine with my brother but hated any female. I now have 2 brothers I don't see and I see my dad once a year if that.

If I were in your situation I would explain to XH and your DC that if they want to stop going then you won't force them to go. I would also suggest that if he wants to see them he takes them out once a week or something rather than them having to be around her.