Nothing, absolutely nothing, to say

[rufussmum]

I have written on here before about feelings of depression when I am with DH for the weekend (he works away Mon-Fri). I make up my mind every week that I won't react or say anything that will make me feel bad about myself but today (Mon) I feel absolutely terrible.
My DH finds it difficult to sustain a conversation for long and never has anything interesting to tell me about his week away, or else he 'forgets' the week's events. Once the evening TV comes on he will happily watch for sesveral hours without saying a word. In the car he will drive in silence for hours if I don't say anything and it is very hard to always be the one who starts conversations.
I feel that he isn't really 'with me' most of the time, we just pass a couple of days together then it's Monday again. I become so down and frustrated that I end up getting angry and upset and generally behaving like a total cow. Then I hate myself so much I have terrible Mondays. Today has been gruesome.
I think there is something about being with him that results in me feeling like this although he is a good man.
His previous wife suffered with depression all their married life and was hospitalised several times because of it. Not blaming him by the way.
Anyway, have posted on here before so am just venting really. Feeling lonely and isolated I think. Thanks for reading.

Pretty normal for the men in my life (family that is not partners).

Am trying to thing what me and DH chat about and it's the DCs and maybe an email he has received from someone I also know and ermm, hmmmmm, not much else. Oh, I said did he fancy cottage pie for tea this morning and he said 'Sounds fine', still thinking......

Oh, he does like explaining things to me eg how to remove the filter from the washing machine (as if I didn't know after 30 years of housework), and very very very slowly explains how to do things on the new laptop (incensing) .... that's about it really.

What has he said when you've explained how you feel and told him what you need from him? Is he interested in working with you on this?

Just says he is 'not a talker'.

DP and I can drive in silence in the car. Do you do anything or go anywhere at the weekend? Cinema? See a play? Was he more chatty when you first got together? Do you talk about current affairs? Gossip Duscuss family?

Fair enough. But he's not the only person in the marriage.

Can't he at least meet you half way?

If not - what's the point in even being married?

when did it become like this?

agree with Hecate. He can't always have been like this surely? If so why did you marry him? (Honest question- not trying to mock you here).

He has always been much the same but when DS was younger it didn't seem to matter so much. Now there's just the two of us I think it's me who has just got more exasperated over the years. As we've got older the future looks increasingly bleak.

But you must find things to do. It is probably better to be with someone who is not dependent on you for companionship than someone who sticks to your side constantly.

And if you start going out more he probably won't find being home alone much fun and start doing stuff too, then hey presto you have things to talk about.

I know the adverts show happy older couples cycling off into the sunset but I don't know any like this, most have different interests.

I'd say try to find fulfillment in other people or activities if you can. Try to meet up with friends for conversation and chatting.

I'm quite chatty and enjoy talking and listening to people, and have found it hard over the years to live with someone who doesn't do small talk or just simple conversation. He has a sense of humour though, so now every time I say something, I try to say something that will make him chuckle, take the piss out of him for being grumpy for example and that's how I can get him engaged a bit more.

I've become depressed in the past an awful lot of times when my husband has been like you describe yours. It's like you feel no connection, no bond with each other. It's a very lonely place to be.

He's changed a lot, very slowly, but his mood has improved a lot in the last year. Try to think about what is causing him to be like that. Is he unhappy at work, at home?

Thanks for the tips everyone.