Mean brother and Mother's Day issues - WWYD?

[Bossyoldersister]

I am wondeirng how you would react to this?

I rarely see my mum on MD like lots of other families because I live 300 miles away. I send her flowers or a present by post, and sometimes ask my brother - who lives 4 miles from my parents- to buy her some flowers which is better value than doing it online etc- and I send him the money in advance. One year I did this he let me down- went into M&S and said he 'couldn't find the flowers'-WTF????

He does nothing except give her a card. He thinks MD is 'commercial' rubbish. I have tried to explain to him that it is actually a day noted in the church's calendar- Mothering Sunday- and our mum used to be quite active in the church until she got older and less able to sit on hard seats for ages- she's now almost 86.

I feel that by the way really though, because my feelings is he should bury his own ideas about 'commercialism' and do something for her which she'd appreciate. He doesn't have to spend a lot.

If I put him on the spot this year and ask what he is getting her for MD he willsay. "Errr- nothing- just a card- it's all commercialism', and if I try to convince him otherwise it will just fall on deaf ears.

To give you some background he is late 40s,lives alone, never had a partner, - longest relationship ever was 6 months- and has very no idea of what it's like to be a parent.

Is there ANY point me making any comments to him on this subject? My mum won't say anything- but I am sure she is always disappointed.

WWYD?

I'd say you're wasting your breath.

It's not nice and I hate people who plead commercialism at every single event when it means something to the other person.

I bet he doesn't buy her flowers or something any other time of year either, does he?

My brother is exactly the same.

No point whatsoever. You won't change his mind by now.

My brother is disorganised and chaotic. He will make the effort to buy my DM presents but generally no thought goes in to it at all. I have on a few mothers days sent flowers from both of us. I know I will never get the money back but it is worthwhile for me to do it knowing how much it will mean to my Mom, getting flowers with all of our names on.
Maybe worth thinking about for your moms sake?

Yes he doesn't buy her flowers at any other time. For her birthday she gets a cheque or an offer of a day out which she rarely wants as her health is not great now.

What really annoys me is that they ( the parents0 still help HIM out- when he has flu they'll drop shopping round for him, look after his dog when he is at work late, and evidently he has asked our mum to help him choose new curtains for his house as he doesn't know what to do. TBH all of this makes her still feel useful- but you'd think he would show his gratitude.

He is so mean it's incredible. He is not badly off by any means and, don't get me wrong, I don't think you measure love in pounds and pence, but he is not very generous with presents for them at any time. I bought them a radio at Xmas as part of theri presents, for £30, and he freaked out saying it was a lot to spend.

I think part of all this is that he has never had kids, or a relationship, and it's partly lack of emotional intelligence- but it still really annoys me.

Yeah, I think you're describing my brother, actually.

It's frustrating, but you're never going to change them. Just make sure you do nice stuff for your mum and bring up any sons you have to not be entitled knobs.

They are knobs then.

Thing is mum is pushing 86- there's not a lot of time left for him to salvage this- and he won't, I know.

No, its no point at all in making any comment to him on this subject because he also won't thank you for doing so. Their relationship is perhaps more complex than you realise.

His relationship with his mother is far different to the one you have had with her to date. Some women do enable their son in the way you describe, it only makes him behave even worse and doing that for him does not make him think any better of her. You as his sister too was likely trusted, well more likely left, to get on with it and you are also seen as "more capable". You have likely never had the levels of help/enabling that he has received.

I don't think it's complex at all. he's being an arse and without a partner around who might kick him into shape so to speak, he just doesn't get how to behave.
He is totally selfish and yes, he is enabled.

But she is ooooooooold! I just want to tell him to man up and buy a fucking bunch of flowers- not complicated no matter what the psychology is.

Why should it be up to a partner to do something about it? Why put the responsibility on women?

He is 40. You are not going to change him.

"he's being an arse and without a partner around who might kick him into shape so to speak, he just doesn't get how to behave.
He is totally selfish and yes, he is enabled".

You have the selfish, arse and enabled parts right. What you perhaps do not want to acknowledge is your mother's part in making him this way, she chose to enable him as she did. She created this problem by enabling him to the hilt. For all you know she is quite happy not to say or do anything wrong by her darling boy.

No woman in their right mind would want to have a relationship with your brother if he behaves like this. He also chooses to behave like this and should also not be regarded as a project for some poor sap to try and rescue and or save.

I think you have over staed the bit about a woman needing to sort him out.

What I mean is that if a partner witnessed his behaviour she might be shocked and that might spur him into action, rather than me his BOS having a few words.

I just find it incredible that he sees what I do for my mum and he doesn't do anything remotely like that.

yes, she is to blame in a way but at 86 she's not gonna change now.

On the other hand I don't think you can lay all the blame at her feet. He is an adult who has a brain and choices. He's not a child- he's 50 next year.

If you can't shock him into action, I can't see why a partner would.

I don't understand why you think he has to do things your way. He is a grown man and it is up to him whether he gets your Mum a mothers day present or not. Likewise how much he spends at other times.
If glut Mum is disappointed then it is up to her to sort it out with him.

You mentioned parents plural upthread, so I'm assuming your dad is still alive? If so what does he say about this? If your mum is being accused by folk here of enabling this behaviour, surely your dad is equally if not more to blame if he was your brother's male role-model in life? (Sorry, bit of a soapbox of mine about women constantly being blamed for men's behaviour, even in their dotage!)

I'd be pissed off with a brother like this, so I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in feeling the way you do, but I think any likelihood of change on his part must be slim at his age. If he has any regrets in later life, it will be on his own conscience. Think all you can do is carry on giving support and buying treats the DPs would love in their old age. I probably wouldn't rely on him for anything anymore either.